Page 58 of Kingmakers, Graduation

“You can’t imagine the darkness I lived in before I met your mother. I was cruel and violent. I hurt everyone around me. I had no control. I would have torn myself to pieces until there was nothing left.”

My father has always been my mirror, and me his. When we look at each other, we don’t like what we see.

Stubbornly I retort, “Maybe Adrik is my Camille.”

“Don’t insult your mother. Adrik is another Nero, not a Camille.”

This isn’t about Adrik. My father wishesIwas more like my mother. But I’m not. Not even a little bit.

Fiercely I say, “I like what I am. I’m not afraid to be more.”

“You should be. You think restraint is the greatest evil—while you cut every rope that ties you to life.”

I hate being lectured. Especially by him.

“You would never have taken advice at my age! You always took what you wanted.”

“I want you to be better than me.”

“Maybe I already am.”

He shakes his head. “That’s exactly what I would have said—when I was my most arrogant and foolish. Your mother changed me. She made me better. What will Adrik make you?”

I can’t answer that. My father is the only person who can silence me, his arguments even quicker than mine.

All I can tell him is the truth. “I want to find out.”

I’ve been angry, I’ve been frustrated—he stays as calm as the night around us. He looks in my eyes, steady and sad. “You won’t survive every lesson.”

He’s not here out of pride or hatred of the Russians, I know that. He’s here for my sake, not threatening but trying to reason with me.

I attempt to meet him on the same ground.

“Dad, I’m not exactly like you. We’re similar, it’s true—I struggle to be happy, really happy. You can understand that. You needed a Camille—maybe I need someone more like me. Adrik sees me how I see myself. He’s not another Nero. He’s not my mother either, but he’s not dark, he’s not isolated. He commands friendship and loyalty. He grounds me more than you think.”

This is the first time I’ve told anyone how I feel about Adrik. I haven’t said it to Adrik, or admitted it to myself.

My father is unconvinced.

“You’re saying what you want to be true, not what you could actually know. You have a dream of what you think life would be like with him … so did Sebastian with Yelena. Reality is much more cruel.”

I hate when he uses that as a weapon against me. His own worst mistake, and our family’s—an anvil around my neck that was forged before I was ever born.

My dad pushes on. “Isee you for who you are, Sabrina. I know your intelligence, your passion, your potential. It won’t flicker out like a candle, it will burn all your life. You have time, you don’t have to rush. Get your schooling. Grow up a little more. Then I won’t oppose you seeing Adrik.”

This is a heavy compromise from him—more than I could have expected. It has an effect on me.

I hug him, something we don’t do often. His arms are warmer than you’d think—not unlike my mom’s.

I feel safe with him. I feel loved. I know how powerfully he needs to protect me, and for once that doesn’t feel like chains.

“Thank you for coming out here, Dad. I’m glad I got to see you again before I leave.”

He kisses the top of my head, stroking his palm gently against my back.

“You’ll understand someday how much I love you.”

I’m torn in half, between the family I love and the man I want more than anything.

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