Page 31 of Misadventures With My Fake Fiancé

“I'm going to find the restroom,” I told Mike as I peeled myself out of my seat.

“Yoo hoo!”

Oh. My. God.

I didn't have to turn around to know who we'd come to pick up. I'd recognize that high-pitched sound anywhere. From the slight cringe on Mike's face, he knew as well. Slowly, I pasted on a smile and faced the latest Ostranski family reunion guest.

“Well, as I live and breathe. Violet, I met the nicest person next to me on the plane and I was telling her all about your book! I read her part of it from my little e-reader thingie and she said she'd need new panties before she got off the plane. Michael, I think you've actually grown taller since I've seen you last. Congratulations on your engagement!”

How did Goldie seem so bright and perky when everyone around us looked wilted and worn out? If I didn't know the woman well, I'd almost think she took uppers all the time.

I had slowly made my way to Mike's side during Goldie's outburst, not sure if I was trying to hide behind his massive size or use him as a deflector shield. He leaned down close and whispered. “Book? New panties?”

I had no idea Hell was located in the Arctic Circle.

11

“This is the smallest car I've ever seen,” Goldie said once settled in the front seat of the clown car. I was wedged into the back, déjà vu of the night before. “Michael, did it shrink in the rain?”

Goldie was the only one to laugh at her joke. Mike was crunched behind the wheel and I, the same, in the back. I had to admit tonight it was a little claustrophobic.

She wore jeans, wedge-heeled espadrilles, a black T-shirt that had been attacked by small rhinestones. Her hair was poufed everywhere except for a flat spot at the back. An airplane headrest was the only weapon I knew to be successful against helmet head. I wasn't planning on telling her about this style defect and I knew Mike wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole.

“Why didn't you tell me you were coming up here?” I asked.

Goldie turned her head toward me. “What, and spoil all the fun?”

Some fun. Even with my liquor induced stupor, I realized something important. “I called you earlier and you were helping a customer.”

She shook her head. “I was at the Denver airport.”

“But you were talking about silicone...something.” I wasn't exactly sure what. “And crotchless panties.”

Mike gave me a questioning look through the rear-view mirror as if he'd never heard of crotchless panties before. The fact that I'd said 'crotchless panties' in a sentence meant I'd been around Goldie too much.

“That was a man who had a question about the difference between a dildo and a vibrator.”

“Miss Goldie, how did the man even know you owned an adult store? Do you have a T-shirt or something?” Mike wondered, his eyes on the road.

Goldie shook her head. “I just like to talk to people and one thing leads to another. You know how that goes.”

Um, actually no.

“What about Dr. West?” I asked, referring to her husband, a Bozeman obstetrician.

“He's on call this weekend. Besides, he's not the one related.”

“I didn't knowyouwere related,” I said, yawning. It was hard to stay awake, although Goldie's non-stop chatter was doing a decent job keeping me conscious.

“Claudine's brother Bob's first wife's sister is my mother's second cousin. I'm surprised you didn't know that Michael.”

I followed as far as Uncle Bob, and then she lost me.

“No, I didn't know that,” Mike replied, his eyes focused on the road. “What's this book you were talking about?”

Oh, crap. I'd rather talk about crotchless panties.

“You haven't heard?” Goldie asked, sounding surprised.

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