Page 57 of Torment

“Oh.”

“I started getting my memories back around three or four years later. Then I finally remembered you. I looked for you, but you’d disappeared. Changed your name and everything. Then…” I rubbed my jaw as another sickening jolt of guilt rattled me.

“Then what?”

Desolation swirled inside me. The guilt was a dark stain on me now, an even uglier scar than the ones covering the left side of my body. How could I ever tell her this? How could I tell her how catastrophically I’d fucked everything up?

No matter what I said, I could never undo my actions. I could never take back even a fraction of the agony I’d inflicted on her.

“I remembered everything from the day I was blown up. I remembered the card and the recording in it. Your words. I’m sorry, Father, but there’s something I need to tell you. Something big. It’s about Mason Ashwood.”

“So you thought I ratted on you and told them,” Jolie said softly. “You thought it was my fault they knew the FBI raid was coming.”

I nodded. “Yes. I thought you changed your mind and betrayed me at the last minute. I thought it was your fault they went after me and my family, and I thought your father included that recording in the card so I’d know it was you who set it all in motion. After that, I turned all my anger toward you.”

Jolie nodded slowly. “My father and the Elders always recorded their meetings for some reason,” she said softly, her eyes on the blanket. “After I went to see them, they must’ve decided to mess with you before killing you. They only gave you a small sample of what I said to make me look bad.”

“Seems that way.” I swallowed thickly. “You know, sometimes I think they weren’t trying to kill me. I think they actually intended for me to survive the bombing, just so I’d have to live the rest of my life as a monster.”

“You aren’t a monster,” she said softly. “The scars are bare—”

I cut her off. “I fucking am. And I don’t mean on the outside.”

She went silent.

“For the record, I never wanted to hurt you because you ended the pregnancy, Jolie. I didn’t even know you were pregnant until you told me a few minutes ago,” I said, sitting back on the bed. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I wasn’t sure if I ever could again. “Even if I did know back then, I would’ve understood why you did what you did, and I would never judge you or hurt you. You were young and terrified, and I wasn’t there for you. I didn’t even know you fucking existed at that stage. My memory was gone.”

“I know that now.” When Jolie spoke again, it was so quiet that it was barely more than a few ragged whispers. She wiped her left cheek and looked at me. “I honestly never said a word about our plan to my father or anyone else. I wouldn’t. I… I loved you.”

I felt like I’d been stabbed between the eyes with an ice pick. I loved you. Past tense.

What the fuck had I done?

When I didn’t respond, Jolie went on, voice growing in pitch. “Please believe me. I don’t know how they found out what you were up to that day in Amiens, but I swear, Mason—it wasn’t me. Considering what I said to them when I interrupted their meeting, I’m lucky they didn’t kill me too, seeing as I told them I was with you. I betrayed them in the same way.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything as memories of inky, creeping death played on my mind. I recalled so clearly what it was like to be sure I was seeing the last thing I’d ever see. Feeling the last thing I’d ever feel. Then suddenly… light. Life. Survival.

An image floated into my head unbidden. Jolie on her knees, blindfolded and bound, surrounded by sharp blades and a towering inferno, the ground stained with her blood and tears as the life seeped out of her. That image may have turned into reality if I hadn’t discovered the shocking truth today.

I grimaced as something squeezed deep inside me. I shouldn’t have survived the explosion eight years ago. I should have died in burning agony instead. It was what I deserved.

Jolie looked at me. “So what happens now?” she asked. Her voice had returned to its earlier apprehensive state. “What are you going to do to me?”

I stood up, struggling against the urge to howl and rage, consumed by a fury toward myself, one which I was sure would ruin me forever. I went to the door and stepped out, slamming it shut behind me.

I didn’t know what to say to Jolie. I didn’t know what the fuck to do.

All I knew was that I would never, ever forgive myself.

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