Page 13 of Torn

In that moment, I wished I was the girl in that situation, submitting to her man. I wished I was the one being held down and thrust into as slapping and grunting sounds echoed throughout the room. I wished I was the one being controlled by the man and forced to cater to his every whim so that he could commune with the divine and reach his climax.

I knew right then and there that my body was swarming with sin. It was my most shameful secret.

The worst part was how easily it happened. How quickly the warm sensation flooded my body. It left me with a powerful understanding of how and why so many people had been tempted by lust back in the days before the cataclysm. They had all been punished, though, so at least there was that.

I had many nightmares after that day, ones in which I was being punished for lust as well. The dreams would haunt me for hours before finally dissolving in my brain as I clawed my way to consciousness, panting and drenched in sweat. Sometimes I even woke up screaming.

I averted my eyes from Elena, lest she see the shame in my eyes. She’d always been smart, however, and she caught on to my mood immediately. “Are you all right, Jolie?” she asked. “You have an odd look on your face.”

“I was just…” I grasped for an excuse. “I was thinking about the old world. That’s all.”

The lie felt like acid on my tongue, but I couldn’t admit the truth. What if she told someone else and word traveled back to my father or one of the Elders?

Elena nodded slowly. “We aren’t supposed to,” she said. “But I think about it too. All the things I remember. I dream about it too.” She hesitated for a moment. “May I confess something to you?”

I nodded. “Of course.”

“Sneaking the cake away isn’t the only sinful act I have engaged in recently.” She paused, as if to gauge my response.

My heart began to thud. I loved Elena dearly, so I hoped she hadn’t done anything too bad. Sins were punished quickly and severely here, as had been decreed by our God. For example, a month or so ago, a young woman close to our age had her tongue cut out for blaspheming. She was very fortunate, though, as she would still be able to live here and have children. That was the most important thing in our world—producing babies.

Back in the old times, girls and women had many things to worry about. Too many things. Jobs. Education. Boyfriends. Looks. It poisoned their minds and enslaved them in all sorts of rituals they needn’t have worried about. My father had freed us all from those old societal chains so that we could focus on our true calling, which was to have babies, serve men, and care for the children.

The young woman who had dared to say bad things against our God already had three children. If she’d said something worse—I dared not even think the exact words of what she actually said, let alone repeat it—she may have been put to death. She had proven her worth to our society with her fertility, though, so as long as she was unable to speak ever again, she would remain a valuable member of the flock and produce many more children.

“What have you done, Elena?” I asked, my eyes wide.

Her cheeks reddened. “When I went to speak with the Healer, I told him it was out of concern for you. I was concerned, but I had another motive too. I wanted to see him. He is nicer than the other men. I like to…” She bit her bottom lip. “I like to look at him. But that’s all I do. Look. It makes me feel good.”

For a second, my tongue was tied. I’d never felt such a flood of relief. I wasn’t the only one thinking sinful thoughts about attractive men.

“I know I’m married,” she added hurriedly. “And the only man I should want to look at is my husband or Prophet Jacob. But I—”

I held up a hand. “It’s fine,” I said. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“So you won’t report me?” Her eyes were wide as saucers.

It was difficult to know what you could tell people at New Eden sometimes, even the other girls you thought of as close friends. You never knew what someone might decide to report to the Elders for investigation, so it was usually best to keep things to yourself if you thought they might violate the doctrines, no matter how small they might seem. Elena had taken an enormous risk by confiding her secret in me.

“As long as you don’t report me. I’ve also had such thoughts on occasion,” I admitted. It felt good to say it out loud and be brave for a moment, like I used to be when I was a child in the old world.

Elena’s face fell with relief. Tension seemed to melt from her shoulders. “Thank you. I really needed to get it off my chest. I felt like I might lose my mind if I didn’t.”

“Believe me, I understand.”

“Why do you think it happens?” she asked, her voice low and tentative. “I know we aren’t supposed to think things like that about men, but I do anyway. It’s like it’s totally beyond my control.”

I hesitated. “I believe we have these thoughts because we lived in the old world for several years before we came here. We couldn’t help but be influenced by it, because we didn’t know any better back then. We still carry so much from that time. That’s why my father and the other Elders forbid us to speak or think about it. They need us to forget it all and act like proper women.”

Elena nodded slowly. I could tell she didn’t believe what I was saying any more than I did. We both knew there was something else behind our feelings toward certain men. Something deeper which stirred that fiery yearning within. Whether it was the Devil or something else causing it, I wasn’t certain. All I knew for sure was that it made me feel a soul-crushing sense of guilt.

It was filthy. Immoral. Wicked.

Despite the feelings of guilt and the knowledge of how wrong it was, I would never betray Elena. She was my friend, and it would be hypocritical of me if I reported her, seeing as I had experienced similar feelings of lust toward men. Besides, she couldn’t help her feelings any more than I could help mine. It was a flaw we had as women, natural-born sinners that we were. As long as her husband punished her enough, she would be redeemed in our God’s eyes. It wasn’t up to me to get her in trouble.

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