Page 107 of Keepsake

Papá could barely reply. He just shook his head and looked away. No one could talk after that, and I knew it was my fault. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t ignore Sofia’s story one second longer.

She loved those kids. She was a great mother. I couldn’t breathe thinking about how broken she must have felt to leave them behind.

The kids said nothing when we told them we were going. They just followed us to the car and put their seat belts on.

My hands on the wheel, I looked ahead, lost in my thoughts as Logan faced the window doing the same. Our ride back to the city was silent, sad. Lachlan fell asleep. Vienna hummed under her breath. Dash had his earphones on.

My phone pinged with a message. I chanced a glance, and it was all there in black and white.

Paddy: One fight and you’ll never hear from me again.

I could easily say no to him, but my number was up. David wanted money to leave Logan alone. I hated he was using my will to protect her against me, but if there was ever a way to make me do something stupid, this was it.

One fight could solve it all. I could let Paddy schedule it and call his regulars. One fight to make all the money and get rid of David and Paddy in one go.

I had a reason to do it this time. I had people to look after. I had to think about the kids… and Logan. Always fucking Logan.

Like she knew of my dark thoughts, her hand came to mine on top of my thighs, squeezing it. I brought it to my mouth, planting a kiss on her palm. And then lowering it back and holding her there.

“Is tío your boyfriend now?” Vienna asked.

No, I was her ruin.

Lo,

Remember in seventh grade when you weren’t invited to Marcy’s bar mitzvah because you didn’t let her copy that math homework even after you explained you weren’t being a bitch, you were just real scared of gettingcaught?

I decided not to go, too, and we stayed at my house, watching a bunch of movies and eating gummy bears until my mother started shouting at us.

You said I was always protecting you. Like choosing not to go to the party of the most annoying girl in our class made me a hero.

I wasn’t staying behind because I was kind to you. I stayed behind because I was likeyou. I didn’t fit in either, but when you came to school for the first time, I didn’t mind not fitting in.

Being alone together was way more fun. You were bright, funny, and my best friend. You were my hero, and I thought you were the coolest girl at school.

When I met David, I should’ve listened to you. But I was in love and too young.

I was dumb. I should have stayed behind with you that night, too. It hurts me to say that because the night I’m talking about is when I got pregnant with Dash.

I love my kid, Lo. You know that. But that night, I wasn’t ready. I was just a kid, but David said we had been together long enough. We liked each other enough. He listed a bunch of reasons and I felt cornered. I thought he was right, so I went with him when I should have asked you to watch a movie and eat gummy bears instead.

So many other times I should have grabbed the phone and called you, but instead I stayed. I let him say things to me. I raised Dash in fear. I had more children because he said it was time.

I never reached out because he told me you were at Harvard and I was a joke to you. He isolated me and made me feel worthless, and eventually his words were the only truth I knew.

A teen mom. A loser. Why would Logan want to be friends with you?

I know that’s not you. You never cared about anything but me, but sometimes his voice was so loud, Lo.

Still is.

It’s always there, always telling me what to do. Always reminding me I’m not enough.

And then, I close my eyes and I rewind back to the night I should have stayed with you. I think about what we could’ve watched and how much junk food we could’ve eaten until Mamá confiscated it all.

I’m not proud of that. That’s slipping, that’s me trying to rewrite history and that’s not fair with the kids.

I love them and I want them safe.

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