Page 70 of Love me, Maddie Mendoza

We did it before and nothing got ruined. It actually got much better.

How come when I pulled the thread of our friendship now, desire came with it? It never did. It was always black and white to me. I couldn’t -for the life of me- understand how a simple memory of us in the skate park had me wrestling with feelings.

I breathed in and out, controlling myself. Somewhere in my brain, I knew I couldn’t play games with Maddie.

Not that it felt like a game. When I thought about kissing her again, it made sense. Like I was finally putting in the right piece of the puzzle. I never had to hold myself from Maddie before, but the feeling of needing her that much wasn’t new at the same time.

It messed with my head. The memories, the lust, and the future. I wasn’t good with changes. The biggest change of our lives was looming, and maybe that was my way of dealing with it. Maybe if I had Maddie that way, she’d never leave me. It wasn’t fair. I couldn’t expect her to follow me forever like she did for college.

Maddie started talking about another time when balance failed her, and I chuckled, pretending to listen.

I had too many feelings. Kissing Maddie would not make her stay with me when graduation arrived. It might actually do the opposite and take her from me when our friendship got ruined.

I loved her, and I couldn’t be in love with her.

It was just a simple fact. My head wasn’t in the best place, and it was no shame. But I refused to give the thought even one more second.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I loved her. I wasn’t in love with her.

I loved her. I wasn’t in love with her.

I loved her. I wasn’t in love with her.

There, three times, maybe I’d start to believe it.

“Coffee, sugar, and milk.” I passed it to Maddie.

She looked up and gave me a little smile, taking the foam cup off my hands. Xiomara was taken for the procedure just an hour ago. Since then, Maddie has been looking at the empty wall, her elbows resting on her knees.

The chatter of her aunties beside us didn’t register anymore. The women were talking and praying, rosery beads between their well-manicured fingers. At that point, their voices were melodic and part of the background noise.

Mom was with the aunts. Between following the prayers and fidgeting with her clothes, she obviously wasn’t sure what to do. André paced. Burning a hole in the middle of the waiting room, it took calling his name three times to draw his attention. Dad was hiding in the car. Listening to the radio and waiting. He was the one who told me to get everyone a cup of coffee. Even from afar, he knew better what to do.

Maddie took a big sip of her coffee. I could bet it burned her tongue, but she didn’t show it. I was standing just beside her chair, as I felt her cold forehead resting on my arm. She leaned in, seeking my touch. I turned my palm around to take her chin between my fingers. Forcing her head tip up, I did the stupidest thing I could think of.

I winked.

She chuckled.

We stood there for a while, then when Maddie went for the coffee, her hand reached for me. I breathed better when I realized she needed my touch. When I sat down, Maddie was all over me in a second. Her head rested on my shoulder and our coffees were forgotten. The last sip went cold.

Hours went by. We sat in silence now; the aunties gone to the chapel escorted by mom. Just me and the two Mendozas remained. André leaned on the wall, unable to sit, and stared at nothing. Maddie had the same expression on her face. Her eyes fixed on a point just like her dad, as they saw many things and nothing at all.

Finally, the doctor arrived, bringing Maddie to her feet.

“It went well,” she said with a leveled voice. “We were able to remove most of it.”

“Most of it?” André’s voice was rough. It had been hours since he used it.

The doctor crossed her arms casually, she wore a serious expression on her face. “We hope to have removed it all.”

“You aren’t sure.” Maddie read between the lines.

“The surgery went well,” she said again. “She needs rest. And soon we can start with tests to see where to go from here.”

It wasn’t the relief the Mendozas wanted to feel. Maddie’s posture was tense. André looked like he was about to snap in two.

“Can we see her? Just for a moment.” The doctor hesitated, but Maddie pressed. “Even for literally a second. I just need to see…”

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