Page 35 of Love me, Maddie Mendoza

A veil lifted from my eyes. Maddie couldn’t stay still, she liked to learn new things and have activities to do during the weekends, but it has always been healthy. She went mountain climbing and took cooking classes. Maddie was full of life. And maybe her smile was the same, and the crochet tops were distracting… But I never saw her… obsessed?

“What’s up with this?” My serious tone shook her.

Maddie drew a breath, shaking her whole body and finally abandoning the needle to the side. She wouldn’t look at me but spoke the words anyway. “I started at the hospital, ok?”

“The hospital.”

“I needed something to do with my hands. I was chatting with a nurse and she told me people donated little baby hats to the hospital all the time. So I gathered I could help and, you know… concentrate on something else.”

Something that wasn’t me and my surgery. That part she didn’t need to clarify. I knew she was scared shitless when it happened. I won’t ever forget the look on her face the day after. The tears in her eyes that she wouldn’t shed. The tremor of her delicate hand over mine. I hated the injury already, but when I saw how it affected Maddie… I hated it even more.

“I’m…” I wasn’t sure what to say. To ask for forgiveness? To relate to the restless feeling?

She shrugged. “It stuck. I… I don’t have a rational explanation.”

Maddie looked up at me with those big brown eyes, and I felt myself shaking. During those days, Maddie was so adamant to be by my side. She was fearless. Her belief that I was going to be ok was the only thing that kept me going through physiotherapy.

I remembered her crocheting at the hospital while we watched daytime TV together, but I never thought much of it. So many things happened since last year. I had to deal with a huge change. Peter was in our lives. There was so much to adapt to, I guess the crochet fell into the cracks.

I gulped, feeling guilty. I had never missed something about Maddie before. And I missed two things; she was unhappy with Peter and was masking anxiety with yarn and a needle.

Anxiety that I brought to her.

I shook my head and offered a hand, which she took it right away. Without even thinking, I brought her to my lap, and she went willingly, her legs across mine, her arm around my neck as we breathe each other in.

“I’m sorry for scaring you.”

She made a whimpering sound. “Don’t say sorry for that. It was a tough year for us.”

“I don’t like you scared, Maddie.”

Her hands wrapped around me, and she captured me in a tight embrace.

“I couldn’t imagine losing you, Z. When people talked about you losing basketball and losing yourself… I got it. You always played ball, it was your life. But that’s how I felt about you. If something happened to you, I’d never be the same.”

I moved us around a little, letting her hold me and nuzzling on her neck and breathing slowly.

“You will never lose me.” It was a fact. Fuck ball, she was myconstant.

“I know it’s silly.”

“It’s not. If it was you, I’d tear that hospital apart. I get it. At least you turned into something practical…” I paused, “I mean, as practical as crocheting everything can be.”

Maddie giggled, and my heart got a little lighter.

“I don’t mind the scarfs, hats, and blankets, Mads.” I said to her. “I just don’t want you to be doing it because you are running. Just do it because you truly believe our toilet needs a little skirt.”

Maddie laughed and leaned on me. I pressed her closer. Her whole side was against my chest, and I tried to calm my heart. Why wasn’t everything as easy as Maddie and me? Why did life have to have a course, why did decisions needed to be made?

“I will calm down with it.”

“Don’t.”

“Or maybe I’ll make a big ass crochet Zeek to keep me company always.”

Not long ago, I was scared she might make a real-life crochet Peter.

Things were improving, but I said, “Don’t,” anyway.

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