Page 114 of Love me, Maddie Mendoza

My love for Maddie thumped in my chest something fierce. I’d never be ok being her number two. She’d never go back to being just a friend to me.

“It doesn’t matter.” I insisted.

Jay crossed his arms over his chest. “Of course it matters! If you like Maddie.”

“We fucked up, Jay.” I said like I said a million times before. To my friends and to myself. “It’s fucked.”

Jason sighed, passing his hand through his short blond hair. He knew he hit a wall. It was where all the arguments about Maddie came to die. We talked in circles, pros and cons and whatever else, but in the end, it was my unwavering tone that ended the argument.

Fucked.

Jason took the crochet mat from the windowsill, feeling the material between his fingers. I watched his hand, an irrational fear that he’d damage the thing. But soon he threw at me and I caught it in the air.

“At least go to her and be honest. I think you’re making a mistake.”

I grunted. He shook his head and continued. “But if you want to remain friends, you have to be honest with her. Just start a conversation.”

I had nothing good to say to her. If I started talking, it would be about the goddamn hole right in the middle of my heart. What good would that do?

I shook my head and placed the mat on top of the table. It was bullshit.

No one touched it, no one put it in its place. It stayed there for seven days laughing at how weak I was. It mocked me.

It mocked so much, and annoyed me so deeply, I eventually snagged it and went to my car.

***

Aisha’s sister was years older, married with kids. The house wasn’t exactly close to campus, but not that far. I turned the car off and watched the homey porch.

Maddie’s car wasn’t parked in front. Chances were, she wasn’t home.

To my side, the crochet mat looked innocent on the passenger seat. I drew a breath and looked again at the suburban house in front of me. The house was beautiful, but small. Aisha’s sister had kids and not enough space to keep Maddie.

Guilt rose bile in my stomach. I shook my head. I couldn’t ever forgive myself for driving her away. For fucking up things up so royally, she had no choice but to move out.

Feeling disgusted, I turned the key into the ignition. My initial feelings were right, I had no business going to Maddie.

I planned on leaving, but before I could, Aisha came through the front door. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and pinned me with a look so powerful it worked even at a distance.

I cursed under my breath but turned the ignition off and opened the door. I brought the crochet mat between my fingers, holding on to the pathetic excuse for my feelings.

My face must have told it all because when I approached the porch, Aisha chuckled. “How the great have fallen.”

“Hey, Aisha.”

I stopped there, aware she wasn’t inviting me in. I wasn’t sure what to do with her posture. It wasn’t exactly hostile, but it wasn’t friendly either. She looked at me under that iron stare of hers, her nose upright. Her clothes were casual, a denim skirt, sleeveless t-shirt with a long, strange, beaded necklace wrapping sideways from her shoulder to the hip.

“Maddie’s not here,” she said right away.

I looked around, bobbing my head. “I know. Can you give this to her?”

And I passed the mat. The smallest circle of crochet went from my hand to hers. Maddie made something like that in one sitting. I felt ridiculous. Aisha took it from me, watching the mat like it was beyond imagination.

I cleared my throat, stuffing my hand into my pockets. “Good to see you, Aisha.” And I stepped back.

I had to go. I wasn’t sure what I expected from the visit, but whatever was; I didn’t succeed. Not only didn’t I see Maddie or talk to her, but I also gave away my last thing of hers.

I turned around quickly before Aisha could see the regret on my face. I jogged toward my car.

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