Page 107 of Love me, Maddie Mendoza

I raised my gaze to catch Jason smiling. I kept going, “And then just right after she told me about the diagnosis. I don’t know what to make of that.”

“You think she slept with you to forget?”

God. It was even worse when Jason said it out loud. I rolled my shoulders and sat back on the couch. “Or because she wanted something familiar. I don’t know, but I felt like shit. Right after feeling really good. I fucked up, I should’ve stopped.”

“You didn’t know what was happening.”

That didn’t help. I suspected nothing would.

“Have you talked to her?” Nick wanted to know. I shook my head.

“Do you really think Maddie would use you like that?”

I frowned. I wasn’t feeling used, was I? I felt the opposite, like I used her when she was in her most fragile state. I blamed myself and looked for clues in our interactions.

The first time I couldn’t read Maddie needed to be like that? A fucking disaster.

“She wasn’t using me.” I stated. “But that doesn’t make it… right.”

Shit. Yeah, was that why I was so upset, huh? Because having sex with Maddie for the first time was supposed to be this whole thing and… it wasn’t. It was simply comfort.

“Leave it alone,” I said to them, but much more to myself.

“Is that your brilliant plan?” Challenged Nick. “Never talk about it again?”

“Yes. Her mother is more important. I’m here for whatever she needs but…” Not for that. Not anymore. That was the reason a limit had to be established.

We fucked around our limit, literally. I let things spin out of control and I let someone who was clearly going through something into the driver’s seat. But at the end of the day, Maddie and I were friends and nothing more.

I couldn’t be there for her as a distraction, not when it broke me like that. Maybe if I didn’t have all those damn stupid feelings, but I had them, nevertheless. They were loud and demanding. I had to keep them under wraps.

I shook myself at the absurdity of the situation. That was it, it ran amok; it did its damage. Now, it was up to me to get it right. And right started with not fucking Maddie anymore.

“I don’t think that’s the best…”

“It is.” I cut Jason. “We can’t be that fucked up, can we?” I scoffed to myself. “If we keep going, who knows what will be left of our friendship?”

“And not talking is the way to preserve it?” Nick asked.

“I will not put her in the weird situation of having to explain herself.” I decided right there. “Nothing good will come out of it.” No, I couldn’t make this about me. It was about Maddie and what she needed.

Silence followed my statement until Jason risked. “But areyouall right?”

No. I wasn’t happy to know I had one night with Maddie and never would again. I was crushed, thinking that what we did stemmed from her pain rather than her heart. Breaking up with Peter, Xiomara’s tumor, the end of college. It was too much and I should’ve known better. Still…fucking still. It hurt like a motherfucker.

But I wasn’t going to say that, was I?

Be strong, be a good friend.

And when I closed my eyes, after it all was said and done, I still had the memories. It was better to have her once than never at all.

Sure about my decision, I nodded at Jason. “I’m fine."

“Brown started this semester?” I asked Matt, pointing to his new small forward.

“Yeah.”

“I can tell.”

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