Page 105 of Love me, Maddie Mendoza

“There’s grace in chaos. You wouldn’t understand.”

I laughed, but she was already gone.

“She will not fall, right?” Mom asked, biting her lip, looking to where Maddie disappeared.

I chuckled. “Haven’t you heard? She’s a pro.”

Mom looked worried as I helped her load the dishwasher. Maddie was a mess at times, but she’d been jumping over to my window for as many years as I’d been jumping over to hers. She’d be fine.

I took dad’s empty plate and caught his eyes measuring me up. Out of nowhere, with no warning, he asked, “Are you using protection?”

My eyes widened while mom honest to god squeaked.

“That’s not how it is with them, Marcus.” Mom chastened him.

Dad didn’t take his eyes off me. Dad knew more than anyone that things changed between Maddie and me. He arched his brow, waiting for my answer. Mom scoffed, dismissing the situation.

I wasn’t raised a liar.

Relaxing my shoulder, I nodded. “Of course.”

“What?” mom tripped over her own feet. Dad approved. “Good.”

I dragged my feet upstairs, unable to deal with mom’s squeaks and questions.

“Maddie and Zeek?”she said over and over again. I was already upstairs when I heard dad chuckle and say, “Who else, Mara?”

Maddie wasn’t in my bedroom anymore; a warm breeze blew from my opened window.

The paperback I stole from her was still cast aside. Her scent lingered, like she was standing naked in the middle of my bedroom.

Who else?

Ilooked so intensely at the TV, my eyes blurred. Gun to my head, I had no idea what we were watching. Nick asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I remember saying yes, but all the rest of the conversation was a blur.

I remembered little since Orchid Street.

I remembered holding Maddie while she was still naked. I remember the softness of her skin and the beating of her heart. How her breathing felt after she fell asleep.

The feeling of peace twisted so easily into despair. The latter was the ivy plant pulling me into its arms. Doubt became my everlasting companion.

I constantly thought about why she would choose that day, of all the days, to finally have sex with me. And then I blamed myself some more. It was a never-ending cycle.

Bile rose in my stomach. How many times had I promised myself not to touch Maddie?

My thoughts consumed me. I couldn’t deal with anything else, so I hid.

It was stupid, wrong, and all kinds of fucked up, but the questions swam unbidden in my mind. I was back to my routine of gym and runs. Pathetically avoiding my favorite person in the world after we had sex for the first, and probably the last, time. I was wrong, but I couldn’t right my wrongs.

Nothing I had to say was worth being said. So I stayed quiet. And at that moment, with my eyes glued to the TV, watching images that made no sense to my brain, I replayed our night together just once more. Torturing myself.

“I’m going out for dinner with Aisha.” Maddie said from the door, jiggling her car keys from one hand to the other.

I shook when I head her voice, and forced myself to look at her, with a tense smile on my lips. “Have fun.”

Have fun. It sounded wooden and wrong.

Maddie nodded, biting her lip. I thought she was going to add something else. Her mouth opened just a little, but no words came out. With a stiff nod, she left, banging the door a little louder than necessary.

---