Page 43 of I Will Mend You

I’ve just read through this entry. I’m ashamed of expressing such blistering resentment toward two innocent children. I’ll dobetter. I’ll get help. Lyle suggests a live-in nanny to lighten the load. Someone young enough to handle the girls, because this pregnancy is kicking my ass.

Even thinking about the future makes my blood pressure skyrocket.

Maybe Lyle is right about getting extra help. I like the idea of a British supernanny, who comes in and whips us all into shape with a firm hand and a warm heart. A Mary Poppins-style woman with a knack for taming wild girls.

I’ll ask him in the morning to reach out and see if this mythical woman exists.

EIGHTEEN

AMETHYST

My eyes snap open, and I find myself back in the padded cell. My chest burns for air, and I convulse against the tight restraints of the straitjacket. The pain between my legs is as unmistakable as it is unbearable. I’ve been violated. Contaminated. Was Delta the rapist, the man who transported me back to this prison of white, or both? Either way, the hatred boiling through my veins turns to despair.

Tears sting my eyes. I just want to curl up and die.

“Amethyst?” Xero says, his voice soft.

“Do you know what happened to me?” I ask.

He hesitates. “Yes.”

“How many of them?”

“Delta, when he removed the pessary.”

He doesn’t elaborate. I don’t ask how many times or what else he might have done to me on that couch. What’s the point, when my sanity is already frayed? My breath shallows, and my heart thuds a sluggish beat. I’ve never felt so powerless, so unclean.

A lump forms in my throat, and I swallow hard, fighting back burning tears. “It’s no wonder you’re going to such lengths to track him down. He’s diabolical.”

He grunts.

“Did I say anything incriminating?” I ask.

“He knows you’re hallucinating me, but that’s the extent of the information you shared.” His warm hand lands on my shoulder. “You were trying to protect us.”

I roll onto my back and gaze into his pale blue eyes. “It’s the least I can do after what I did.”

Xero winces. I’m surprised he’s being so understanding. This entire situation with Dolly, Delta, and the others is a mess of my own making. If I had questioned him further that morning—not flown into a murderous rage—I would still be safe in the crawlspace.

“Don’t think like that,” he says.

I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to control my thoughts any more than I can control my hallucinations. My mind is still a jumbled mess. Even if I regained my memories for Delta, there’s no stopping me from dying horribly.

“Amethyst,” Xero snaps.

“What else do you want me to think?” I open my eyes, loosening tears, and rise up to sit. “My situation is futile. I’m going to die.”

When he flinches, my heart plummets. I didn’t mean to lash out at Xero. He’s the real victim here, even if he is a figment of my imagination.It’s bad enough that I killed him for nothing. Now he has to watch me suffer.

Before I can spiral into a maelstrom of despair, my thoughts are interrupted by the thud of approaching footsteps.

Cold sweat breaks out across my brow. My breath quickens. Thick bands of tension wind around my chest, making the edges of Xero’s form flicker. I skitter to the farthest corner of my cell.I can’t let him drag me to another part of the set, where I’ll be tortured or violated.

“Stay calm, little ghost. You’re hyperventilating,” he says.

I force in a deep breath, but it barely registers, leaving me suffocating. Something’s wrong. I’m having a panic attack. At this rate, I’ll die before I even reach the cameras.

The footsteps echoing through my ears become so loud that every bone in my body trembles. Spots dance before my eyes, and the edges of my vision turn dark. The pressure around my chest increases until Xero’s form flickers in and out of existence.

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