Page 136 of Breakneck Hockey

“Yeah. God, how do the older players do it? I feel a hundred tonight, Alderchuck.”

Hearing that he’s feeling the same pulls the pin on whatever bravado I had left. I snuggle into his shirt, relishing in the scent of him, kinda sorta wishing he was here.

Maybe I should tell him that, but apparently my brain has some form of self-respect left. It reminds me of the last time I got vulnerable with Sutter. I am not doing that again. He wants me, he can fucking go out on a limb this time. Call me stubborn and maybe a little petty, but I dare anyone else to get that vulnerable twice.

“Should we call it then? Head to bed?” I say.

“No,” he says, a little anger leaking into his voice. “What the fuck? We said we’d hang out tonight.”

“Well, yeah, but I assumed that meant some form of fucking. You sayin’ you just wanna talk?” I’m not sure we know how to do that. Us talking usually leads to fighting, which then leads to fucking. What happens if we can’t do the fucking part?

“I’m sayin’ I just wanted to … fuck it, never mind.”

“Sutter, wait. I didn’t understand what you meant, but I’m with you now. Tell me about playing hockey for the worst team in the league.” That’ll get him going.

The glare he gives me is half-hearted, but he takes it as a real invitation and tells me all about hockey in Boston. Don’t thinkI’ve ever heard the man talk so much. I knew he loved hockey, but not how much playing for Boston meant to him. It was his dad’s favorite team.

“Dad took me to the rink every morning when I was little, like Gretzky’s dad did. He’d almost freeze to death, but he wouldn’t stop till I was done.”

“And of course, you were obsessed. You’re an obsessive maniac, Sutter.”

“Only get obsessed about the things I care about, Alderchuck.” His indigo irises bore into my soul.

Me. Sutter’s obsessed with me.

The fucking tingles, they’re back, but this time they’re everywhere, a whole bunch of them rising in my chest.

“What about your dad, Alderchuck?”

I shrug. “Don’t know, never met him.”

“But presumably you had one.”

“Presumably. Mom never told us what happened to him or where he went. It was the only thing she kept from us, well, that we know of. Stacey and I figure she would have told us someday, but someday never came before she died.”

“You didn’t ask?”

“We did. When we were little, she gave us evasive answers. As we got older, we caught on to how much pain it brought her, so we stopped asking.”

“It never bothered you?”

I shake my head. “Not really. Not like people seem to expect.”

“Right, you would have had your brother to kinda fill that role.”

I would have had … yeah. Shit. I’ve been giving all the credit to Mom and Auntie Annie, but Stacey’s been my positive male role model. Who did Stacey have?

“This was supposed to be a sexy phone date, you weren’t supposed to therapize me, Sutter.” My damn eyelids flutter,getting heavier and heavier. I don’t want to sleep, though. This conversation’s nice.

“Sleep, baby,” Sutter says.

“But—”

“I’m not goin’ anywhere. I’ll watch over you.”

Sutter, my dark knight. I smile with my eyes closed. “What would you do from all the way in … where are you again?”

“New Jersey.”

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