Page 102 of Breakneck Hockey

“That comment you keep making about me being a grown-ass man. You’re trying not to baby me anymore.”

“I’ve never babied you, Case.”

“Yes, you have. You’ve been a caretaker for all of us in one way or another—don’t deny it,” I add when I see that he’s gonna deny it. He snaps his mouth shut. When the five of us were together—Dirk, Dash, Jack, Stacey, and I—Stacey looked after us. Making sure we had our bags packed. Making sure we got enough to eat. Breaking up bickering turned into argument. “Most especially me, though, and here I am caught up with the worst possible choice in fuck partner. You must be losing your mind every day.”

“It’s just, Casey, you do need a little looking after. In the tame-your-chaos kind of way. You need a man who can do that for you. Sutter takes your whirlwind-sized chaos and makes it a tornado.”

The tears will not be stopped, but I wipe them away quickly and glance at my phone again. Sutter’s supposed to fucking text me after he plays a game. Especially after he plays that good. He likes to gloat about it.

“At least tell me where you’re really at with him,” he says.

I flop myself back onto the couch. “We really are on a break … that he doesn’t know about, but it was so I could figure shit out. Pretty sure I decided I’m fine with how things are.”

Though, maybe he does know about it and he’s decided he’s done with me? Has our flavor worn out for him? Because it hasn’t for me. Oh my God, it fucking hasn’t for me. Still. I wish it would.

“Yeah, now. But what about when he decides he’s done with you?”

Maybe he’s decided that already. Know what? If he has, fuck him. I don’t need his stupid texts.

“It’ll probably be like the time I was addicted to that ramen place that one summer that shut down unexpectedly. I went through withdrawal, but then I tried all the other ramen places until I found a new one. Besides, I agree with you. I need someone who can calm my chaos and maybe look after me a bit. Sutter couldn’t look after a housefly, let alone me.”

Though, I kinda am a housefly with the way I buzz about, looking for food all the time.

I mean, I guess he was pretty good that day after the surprise press conference, but he was just being a possessive animal. And, well, maybe there was the time he equipped me with what he called “Betty’s friend Lucille”, which is just a sexist way of naming knives as far as I’m concerned. He was simply being crazy Prepper Sutter, though. He’s weird about that shit because … well I don’t really know, but it’s something to do with when he was little. Alright, alright, I guess he makes sure I’m amply fed after fuckfests, but that’s only because he wants more of my ass, and he knows he gets dick-all when I’m hungry. The only one I can’t explain away—or make sense of—is that time when I was at Jack’s in New York and he … well that’s the thing, isn’t it? I’m not sure what he did, just that he did something.

“Okay,” Stacey says.

“What do you mean, okay?”

“I’m gonna try not to worry about you. There’s a lot I don’t know about your relationship with Sutter.”

“I just told you about the ramen thing and?—”

“We both know you never found another ramen place. You settled for one. You fall in?—”

“Don’t say it. I’mnotin love with Sutter. I’m not gonna fall in love with Sutter.” The whole thing sounds preposterous. Saying the words feels like the way peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. It just doesn’t come out right. “Please stop worrying about me so much. Worry about you.”

“I’m doing my best. Old habits die hard. Especially when?—”

“Especially when you see that I’m getting ready for a great big fall. I get it, but even if I do, I’ll be fine. I barely even think about the ramen place anymore.”

“You remind us all, every time we eat ramen, that Kokoro used house-made noodles.”

“It’s hard to find a place that has noodles from scratchandforty-eight-hour broth.”

He sighs, reaching for the hat on the coffee table that’s still fucking Dash’s. He misses him right now, doesn’t he?

I can’t help but hate Dash just a little bit. I know that’s unfair for so many reasons, but he’s still one of the reasons my brother’s hurting. I’m another reason and so I hate myself for it, too.

“Tell me about Mom.”

“I think I will, actually, but not today. When we’re with her tomorrow. It’ll be healing for us.”

We’ll go to her favorite spot tomorrow with poutine and cream sodas. It’s tradition.

“You know, just because I haven’t found a new best ramen place, doesn’t mean I won’t. I have plenty of time.”

“True,” he says.

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