Page 74 of From Wink to Kink

There. I've said it. Let the chips fall where they may.

"And I know we're from different worlds," I continue, the words tumbling out of my mouth now. "But I want to see where this could go. Back in the real world, I mean. After the retreat. If... you are down with that too, of course."

I finally stop rambling. Ruby is silent, her expression unreadable. The knot in my stomach tightens.

"Hey,” I prompt gently. "Say something? Please?"

She pulls her hand away, and my hope plummets. "Chuck, I..." she starts, then stops. "This is... a lot. I think I need some time to process everything."

Did someone just punch me in the gut? Because it sure feels like it.

I try to hide my disappointment. "Of course. Sure. I get it."

She stands abruptly. "I'm sorry, I just... I need some air. Some time alone. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course," I say, even as everything in me wants to beg her to stay. "Take all the time you need."

She gives me a small, tight smile. "Thank you for dinner. It was so great. I just... I need to think."

And she's gone, her footsteps fading as she descends the treehouse ramp. I sit there, alone with the remnants of our dinner and the sinking feeling that I’m going back to San Francisco to the same lifestyle, making the same stupid mistakes, to ruin the only good thing I have going.

Because if Ruby’s not part of it, does any of it matter?

Part of me wants to go after her, to explain, to make her understand. But I know that's not what she needs right now. What she needs is to be fucking left alone and as much as it kills me, I’m going to do just that.

I start clearing the table, my mind racing. Did I say too much? Not enough? Should I have waited? What if she decides this is all too much and walks?

The thought of losing her, of going back to a world where she's not in my life, is not something I even want to think about. Jesus, how did she become so important to me so fast? It’s crazy.

I take my time returning to our bungalow, pushing away what’s gnawing at me. I've never been good at patience, at waiting. On the ice, I'm all about action, about making shit happen. But this? It’s a different game. Not sure I know the rules. And not sure I know how to win.

I reach the bungalow and find it empty, as I thought it might be.

Shit.

What if I've screwed this up beyond repair? What if Ruby decides I'm too much of a risk, too damaged? The idea of losing her before we've even really started... well, that’s just fucked up.

But I force myself to take a deep breath.Think rationally, asshole. She’s smart. She's thoughtful. She just needs time to process. That's all.

I lie back, staring at the ceiling, and as I replay the evening in my head, I realize for the first time in a long time, I'm not angry. I'm worried, sure. Anxious, definitely. But not angry. The usual simmering rage that's been my constant companion for years... it's quiet. At least at the moment.

Is this what peace feels like? Is this what the therapist meant about finding my center?

As the night wears on, I try to distract myself. I flip through one of Ruby's books, but the words blur on the page. I turn on the TV, but everything’s in Spanish. Eventually, I find myself on the deck, looking out at the stars, and swatting at the buzzing insects.

And suddenly, I know. Whatever happens, whatever Ruby decides, I'm not giving up. If she needs time, I'll give her time. If she needs space, I'll give her space. But I'm not walking away from this. From her. Not until she says there’s no hope. That there’s absolutely no way.

Maybe, this woman is my chance at something new. Something lasting. Something actually worth fighting for.

37

CHUCK

The bungalow door finally opens.My heart leaps into my throat as Ruby enters, her face unreadable in the dim light.

"Hey," I say, sitting up. "I wasn't sure you'd come back."

She drops into a chair. "Where else would I go? It's not like I can book a red-eye flight out of the jungle. I suppose I could go shack up with some of our new friends, though," she laughs.

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