Page 7 of Doubling Down

I don’t know what any of it means, and I struggle to make sense of it as I try to find my way back to the highway. I took Casey’s news in stride. Before she dropped out of touch, she told me what had happened between her and Max, so the fact that she’s now a member of some crazy, secret sex club isn’t that strange a concept.

But the twins… How did this happen? My sweet, attentive boys, so curious about what would make me feel good… How did they get mixed up with that place? Not that any of us were exactly innocent, but I still think of them that way.

I corrupted them. If anything, it’s my fault they wound up there. God, what did I do to turn them into… whatever it is they’ve become?

I’m so lost to my memories I don’t realize until I pass an unfamiliar signpost that I have no clue where I am. Without Casey to help me navigate back the way we came, I must’ve gotten turned around somewhere outside the safety of the affluent neighborhood she directed us to.

The road has gotten dark and winding, with nothing but trees on one side and a guard rail on the other. I spy an overlook and pull into it to try to get my bearings, but instead of taking out my phone to look at the map when I stop, I just cut the engine and sit there, staring into the darkness interrupted by the twinkling lights of a small township in the valley below.

I suddenly feel like an idiot for running the way I did. I’ve spent the last three years trying to put the twins behind me while still harboring an unending ache for what could have been. I only decided to come home because I felt like I’d finally succeeded in forgetting that summer, in solidly locking my eyes on the future and my career after college. The NGO I intern for always hires from the pool of interns, so I’m pretty much guaranteed a spot with them once I graduate. I’m going back to California; there’s no question.

So why did seeing the twins again shake my convictions so thoroughly? It’s not like we can pick up where we left off. It’s not like I’m suddenly going to change all my carefully made plans just to fuck up the way I did after high school. That cannot happen.

I bang my head on the steering wheel, because despite all these thoughts, I can’t get the image of the men I just saw out of my head. I can’t get all the fucking questions out of my head. But it’s too late now. I ran, so I have to deal with it.

I reach for my phone to figure out where the hell I am. Just as I tap the screen to pull up the map, the rumble of an engine approaches from down the road, and then a headlight fills my rear window, blinding me when I glance in the mirror.

Just one headlight—a motorcycle, judging from the sound of the engine. But a moment later, it’s joined by a second, and instead of riding right by, they turn into the same overlook, pulling up on either side of my car.

My adrenaline spikes, and I hit the door locks and hunch down with my phone clutched in my hand, ready to dial 911. The rider on my side climbs off his bike and pulls off his helmet, then bends down to peer in through the window.

“Sarah? It’s just us. Will you stop and talk?”

It’s Jude’s handsome face beyond the glass. Turning to the other side, I see Simon peeking in the passenger window, and my tension eases, but only enough to let the earlier tangle of emotions return.

“You guys scared the shit out of me!” I smack the window, pissed now as I disengage the locks, grab the door handle, and push it open so fast Jude has to step back to avoid me nailing him. “What the fuck?”

“Sorry!” He backs up to his bike, hands raised. “We just couldn’t let you go without talking to us. I was afraid we’d lose our chance and go three more years without hearing from you. Do you have any idea how wrecked we were the last time you cut us off?”

My eyes widen. “Cut you off? You ran away and only left me a note! I never heard from you again. It wasn’t as if you didn’t know where I lived, for Christ’s sakes!”

Simon rounds the front of my car and stands by his brother, eyes filled with wonder as well as pain. It’s that look that makes my anger ebb.

“We couldn’t show our faces there, and you know it,” Simon says, his voice more subdued than his twin’s. “Neither of us were willing to call and risk having to talk to Mr. Nolan or your mom. We figured it was probably better for you if we kept our distance. I guess we just hoped you’d reach out.”

I swallow hard and shake my head, tears threatening. “It wasn’t better for me. The rest of the summer fucking sucked, which is why I left. I was a mess after that. I second-guessed everything for months. I was so lost.”

A tear escapes, and I swipe angrily at it. Jude steps close and raises a hand wrapped in a fingerless leather glove. He cups my cheek, brushing his thumb across the tear. His eyes search mine, and I find it hard to breathe looking back into those dark, anguished depths.

“God, Sarah. If you only knew what it was like for us. We never got over you. I still…” He stops and takes a fortifying breath. “I still think about you all the time. Seeing you is like a dream. You’re even more beautiful than I remember.”

His gaze drifts down from my face, lingering at the top of my bodice before dropping lower and sliding back up. His nostrils flare, and I can’t help but tilt my head into his hand the slightest bit. His touch is electrifying; I’ve spent so long wanting exactly this, believing I’d never have it again.

“Jude…” My entire body involuntarily arches closer, and the next thing I know, he’s kissing me, cupping the back of my head with one hand while he slides the other around my waist, pulling me tight against him.

He feels different, but tastes the same as I remember—like gingersnaps. His tongue teases just like I remember too, teeth nipping at my lip the tiniest amount, a trick that always sent sharp jolts straight to my core. This time is no different, and the strength of his embrace just adds to my need.

I get lost for several moments, forgetting everything. The last three years of regrets fall away entirely, and when I pull away to catch my breath, Simon fills the gap, grabbing me by the jaw with both hands and angling my head to take my mouth in a bruising, hungry kiss. I hook an arm around his neck while still holding onto Jude, leaning into Simon’s warmth while he plunders my mouth.

Jude glides his lips down my jaw to my throat, the pair of them as in sync as they ever were. He nips at my collar bone, then peels off a glove and cups my breast through my dress, molding his hand around it.

“Goddamn, you feel better than I remember,” Jude says. He nuzzles the top of my breasts and tugs at my bodice. It’s stretchy and gives easily, my fancy bra still covering me.

“Jesus, this is sexy,” he says, sliding fingers between the wide, dark strips of ribbon and my heated skin. His knuckles skim over my nipples, and he tugs the bottom of the bra down. My nipples hit warm air for a split-second before Jude wraps his lips around one, his fingers around the other. I throw my head back and moan, forcing Simon to release my mouth.

Jude pushes me backward against the fender of my car, and I’m grateful to have something solid on which to brace myself. Simon’s gaze drops to where his twin toys with my breasts. His eyes go dark and he pushes Jude’s hand aside, taking over with his mouth on my other breast.

I rake my fingernails lightly along his neck and up his scalp, marveling at the difference from the last time I saw them. Their hair was always so gorgeous, shoulder-length and thick, almost black. It’s as soft as I remember, but too short to grab hold of, so I just touch, too in awe of their very existence to stop.

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