Page 112 of Freeing Hook

I hear the door creak open. Sense the light from the hallway spread in a widening ray across the floor. It cuts through the cabin and across the half of my face that’s not hidden underneath the sheets. The hearty scent of shepherd’s pie fills the air, alerting my stomach to its presence and causing it to roar in agitation.

Charlie crosses the room. Runs her fingers through my hair and tucks it behind my ear. “Oh, Winds,” is all she says.

If I hadn’t wept away every last drop of hydration in my body, I might shed a tear at her tender touch. Given my current state, I doubt my body thinks we have any liquid to spare. Still, it feels nice to be touched. I only wish it didn’t remind me of my mother.

“Remind me never to be brave again,” I say, my words muffled by my blanket.

Charlie purses her lips thoughtfully and scratches the top of my head. “I’d recommend you strike the attempt from the record and forget it ever happened, except…well, you were impressive. If you could have seen yourself like Maddox and I saw you, like the rest of the crew saw you, you’d be proud of yourself. I’m certain of it.”

It’s difficult to imagine that I came across as anything other than a muttering, delusional fool. A child unaware of her own youth. But I’m grateful to Charlie all the same. At least her opinion of me is unchanged.

“I really thought he wanted me back,” I whisper.

Charlie knits her brow. “I know.” I watch as she bites at the inside of her cheek. I know that look well enough to realize she’s trying to decide whether what she wants to say would actually be helpful. “I think he’s just afraid.”

I snort. “He doesn’t seem like he’s afraid of anything.”

Finally, she says, “Everyone’s afraid of something. Astor…he doesn’t like being controlled. Can you blame him for that? What if he just wants to be the one to decide that he loves you?” When I give her a look of confusion, she explains. “You find comfort in your Mark, don’t you? I mean, before you discovered it was split between Peter and Astor. You’re comfortable with not having to be the one to make a decision. But the captain isn’t like you. Have you ever considered that perhaps the concept of having a Mate at all bothers him?”

I shake my head. “He would have been thrilled had it turned out that Iaso was his Mate. He’ll never let her go,” I say, wincing because that’s not even what I mean. Not truly. “It’s not that I want him to have to. Of course, there’s room for him to love her. That doesn’t take anything away from me. Except that it’s my fault she’s dead. And it doesn’t matter what he feels for me, he can’t—no, he won’t—he refuses to let go of that. He believes choosing me is betraying her.”

“And who would you choose?” she asks. “If you had your pick?”

My heart sinks, and I blink my tears away, though it’s no use. When I bury my hands in my face, my ring scrapes against my cheek, its metallic brush stinging. I put it back on when I returned to my cabin. I hadn’t meant to still be wearing it. I’d only wanted to feel the weight of someone wanting me against my flesh. Now I can’t bring myself to take it off. Even now, I can feel his pull—Peter’s portion of the Mating Mark calling to mine.

“When I go back to Peter, it will be as easy as sliding into an old pair of slippers,” I say. “The power he has over me…I can’t explain it. When I’m in his presence, it doesn’t matter what I feel for the captain. Peter is always going to take precedence.”

“Because he possesses the majority of the Mark,” says Charlie.

I shrug. “Maybe. Maybe I just love him more.”

It’s a blatant lie, and Charlie knows that as well as I do, but she doesn’t treat it as one. “And you’re okay with that? Not knowing whether it’s real?”

I wince, and when I look at Charlie, my eyes are pleading for her to understand. “I don’t know that I really care whether it’s real, Charlie. As long as it feels like it is. As long as I don’t have to hurt like this anymore. When I’m with Peter, I don’t have to be…”

“You,” she says, and she sounds like a disappointed parent. “You don’t have to be you.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. “I was going to say that I don’t have to be miserable.”

“But the captain—”

“Hedoesn’t want me,” I practically scream. “Why can’t I make you understand that?”

“Did he tell you that?” she asks.

I dig my fingernails into the bedsheets. “You heard him up there. And when I first found out that he was my Mate, I begged him to tell me what he wanted. If that’s what he wanted—to remove our Mark. You know what he said?”

Charlie shakes her head.

“He said, ‘I’m sorry, Darling,’” I almost choke, laughing at the irony that this is the first and only apology I’m ever going to get from Captain Nolan Astor. “And then I was idiotic enough not to take the hint.”

When Charlie doesn’t answer, I wave my hands. “Please, go on. Spin that in a way that means something other than the truth. That he doesn’t want anything tying him to me. I’m begging you, find a way to make that somehow mean that he wants me.”

Charlie perches on the side of my bed. “I don’t think he knows what he wants.”

“I’m too tired to wait on him to figure it out,” I say. “I just want to go home.”

“And home is Peter?”

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