Page 36 of Pawns of Salistya

‘It’s nice to know I’m capable of feeling this. Let’s be honest, my track record isn’t great. But with him … it just works.’ She shrugged, perplexed as to how this had happened. ‘For now, at least,’ she added, soberly.

‘We’ll deal with that when the time comes. But for now? Enjoy it. Life is for making memories, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone so there’s no space for ‘what ifs’. We could all die tomorrow. It’s important that we can look back on our life and know that we did the things that made our souls happy, that we truly lived. And spare me the lecture on how I should follow my own wise words. I’m working on it, okay?’ I defensively added.

‘I’ll spare you just this once. Only because I love you, my favourite hypocrite,’ she grinned. ‘Speaking of ‘what ifs’, how’s it going with your lover boy?’

I let out an annoyed groan. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about.

‘That bad?’

‘I much prefer talking about your thriving love life,’ I replied, trying for a joke that Mer saw right through. She threw me a look that screamed ‘start talking, or I’ll pull your hair harder’.

I sighed, knowing there was no point trying to distract Meredith when she was hunting for information. She was like a dog with a bone when she wanted something.

‘He brought me half-dead yellow flowers. And he hasn’t made me come since I’ve been married. And Eliasson can. What does that say to you?’ I shook my head, watching her mouth ‘oh’, understanding written over her face.

I continued without waiting for her reply. ‘He keeps saying everything is my fault. That I’ve put us in this position. The further apart we drift, the more controlling he becomes. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but he’s not the man I fell in love with. I’m going to be a sole ruler soon and won’t be able to just make us public knowledge. How’s he going to take that? Am I going to be punished for the rest of my life for things that are out of my control? I’m trying to do my best, but he makes me feel like anything I do is never good enough. Nothing is ever his fault. Apparently, he’s perfect. It’s just me. I’m the problem.’

Now who was the one rambling?

A contemplative look fell across Meredith’s face. She scratched her chin, a clear sign she was trying to work out how to deliver undesirable news diplomatically.

‘What?’ I asked, but she hesitated, clearly uncomfortable. ‘I’m a big girl. Just say it.’

‘I don’t think he’s good for you,’ she forced out, taking a deep breath to steady herself. ‘Once upon a time I thought he was perfect for you. He courted you, kept coming back despite your numerous rejections and worked on establishing a friendship with you before you … well, ended up where you’ve ended up. No doubt he’s different now. For a while I thought maybe things had just changed because of our circumstances but looking back on it, Valare, I don’t think he was ever a good guy.’

‘Oh?’ My gut churned, nausea sweeping over me.

‘Think about it. How many times did you reject him? Ten, fifteen,twentytimes? Shouldn’t that have been a red flag, that he couldn’t take no for an answer? And even more than that, every time you rejected him, his efforts became increasingly more calculated and forced. I know at the time we were teens reading romance novel after romance novel, thinking big macho males with domineering tendencies were hot. That it was someone we should look for in our lives, but are they really who we should be looking for? It’s toxic when you think about it. And because of those novels, we swooned when he chased you. Revelled in it, even. We thought it was what true love looked like, when in actual fact we should’ve called Varqel to put him in his place.’

‘Huh,’ I mused, absentmindedly rubbing my Royal Mark. That’s a lot to work through. I had been fixating on the changes in our relationship over the course of the last year trying to work out when it had started to go downhill. But I hadn’t stopped to think about what it was like prior. Were these patterns there before I married Eliasson? With my rose-coloured glasses, had I overlooked this? Mer’s words were making so many things take on a different meaning.

‘Don’t get me wrong, he puts on a good show laughing with us and being openly affectionate, all things we’ve come to appreciate about him. But there’s something … off. I don’t trust his intentions anymore. Not with you, not with us, not with what we’re doing here. You need to keep your wits about you and play this strategically because my gut is screaming he’s a ticking time bomb.’

The more I thought back on my encounters with him, the more I found myself agreeing with her. And that was scary. It meant I had to do something about it, and I simply didn’t have the heart or the space to process the situation at this stage.

‘I hear what you’re saying,’ I started. ‘I think I’ve had these thoughts, more or less. But, let’s just keep an eye on his movements. It’s not at the top of my priority list to end things with him. Not now, at least. There’s too much riding on the next two weeks to shake the boat more than necessary,’ I explained, hoping I could work up the courage to confront him after the Forum was over.

‘Oh good,’ Mer breathed visibly relaxing. ‘I’m glad you’re seeing it for what it is, Val. And I’m sorry. It sucks and … I’m just sorry it’s like this. But you deserve the type of love and loyalty you give to come back to you tenfold. And that guy? He’s not what you need. If we’re being honest – and Iloatheadmitting this – he’s like Nalu. Nobody’s got time for that bullshit.’

‘No. Nobody has time for that,’ I agreed.

I had no desire to linger on this topic of conversation longer than necessary, so I decided to circle back to Mer’s previous comment in a not super subtle topic change. ‘So, you think Xylan has the hots for me?’

‘Oh, totally. He looks at you how I envision Runaile looks at Louisah. And thoselooks? Those are the ones to chase.’ She sighed dreamily.

‘Should we not be concerned he is openly ogling a woman married to another royal? I know my situation in all of this and what my relationship status will be. But he doesn’t. It’d be damn bold of him if he were to make a play at me under Eliasson’s nose.’

Mer remained silent, contemplating my words. ‘Firstly, I can’t blame the guy for being attracted to you, and he wouldn’t be the first nor the last person I’ve seen sneak glances at you behind Eliasson’s back. Secondly, he doesn’t strike me as the person to care for what is and isn’t appropriate. I think King Xylan takes what he wants. And you, dear Valare? He wants youbad.’

Chapter 16

Itried my best to hold it in, but when Qynthia groaned for the fifth time and placed her head on the table, an evil laugh slipped out before I could stop it.

‘Why didn’t you cut me off?’ Qynthia groaned.

Who she was talking to, I had no idea. But Xylan apparently believed she was talking to him. He laughed softly, running his hands through her hair in comfort. ‘We tried, Qynth. Multiple times. What were the words you used? Oh yes, “Xylan are you worried I’m going to drink you under the table? Is that what this is about? Your male pride can’t handle being taken down a few notches?’’ ’ he recalled in a high pitch, trying and failing to impersonateQynthia.

An amused snort left my mouth as Qynthia cringed in embarrassment. She slowly turned her head to look at me. ‘You were keeping up with me. How the hell are youas sprightly as you are this morning?’

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