Page 26 of Pawns of Salistya

‘You heard me. You treated me like absolute shit the other night. Yes, I understand this has been hard for us both and we’re limited in when we can see each other. But when we do? You call me a whore, deny me any real pleasure, and leave me high and dry without even talking. Not fucking cool, pal.’

His jaw clenched at my use of the word pal. It was a cheap shot, as I knew how much he hated it, but I didn’t care. ‘It was roleplay, Valare, and you loved it. You like being treated like a good little whore.’

‘Yes, I used to. But now – ‘

‘But now what?’ he demanded. ‘Your interests have changed now that you’re withhim?’

‘No, not because I’m with him. This has got nothing to do with him. I don’t like being called a whore or treated like one when it doesn’t feel like roleplay. You left that night without discussing things. I know things haven’t been the same over the last year. But not once have you ever walked away from me like that before.’ I wrapped my arms around myself.

‘And whose fault is it that we haven’t been the same for the last year?’ he accused, latching onto that part and dismissing the rest.

‘It’s neither of ours! This was out of both of our control and you know it! Why do you keep saying that this is my fault?’ I cried, lips trembling.

Anger filled his eyes, his tone dropping. ‘I’m not the royal here, Valare. Nor am I the one who decided to give us a shot. Youcould have refused me those years ago. You knew of the potential for your royal duties to separate us. Then you could have said no to your sister, provided another option. You could have ended us once the marriage was going ahead and saved us from all of this. But no. You’re still so choked up on my dick that you couldn’t do it, any of it. And I’m the idiot in love with you so I go along with it because I’d rather have something of you than nothing, regardless of everything else.’

True, he’s not the royal. False, I did refuse his advances and he had continued to pursue me until I gave in. True, I could’ve said no to my sister, but the result would be living a life in exile, away from mySol, V, Lyz, and Dwyla. False, I tried to end our relationship and he kept pulling me back in for more, holding our sexual attraction over me time and time again. True, he’s in love with me. And knowing that part alone made my resolve waver. Every. Single. Time.

Fuck, I could feel the tears coming.

‘Why are we putting ourselves through this then? There’s no way out of this situation I’m in. When I’m not obligated to fulfil this mission, I’ll be handling the fallout, figuring out what comes next. I don’t know when we could properly be together. You and I both deserve more than this. We both deserve a chance to have a healthy relationship that isn’t hidden in the shadows,’ I whispered, wiping away a rogue tear.

He nudged my chin up with his fingers, forcing eye contact, his face softening in a way that didn’t seem possible with his anger moments ago. ‘When I ask myself why we bother, I remember how we created our own little tree house on the Training Island. The late nights lazing under the stars, wrapped around each other. I remember you handing me cards under the table, making sure I beat Mazyr and Meredith because you know I can’t stand losing. I remember our first kiss. We were both excited and nervous, stumbling our way through it. Both pretending that it wasn’t our first kiss, trying to impress the other,’ he recalled.

I gave him a soft smile, my resolve wavering. ‘That kiss was awful.’

‘It was,’ he laughed. ‘But you know what?’

‘What?’

‘It was real. Our good times far outweigh the bad. Sometimes love isn’t rainbows and butterflies. That is why I won’t give up on us. I love you, Valare. I want us, no matter how long it takes. No matter how much I have to help you through your doubt.’

Memories of the good times rushed through my mind. We had grown up together, experienced so much over the years. I have missed it lately. Maybe once everything is over we can go back to that.

‘I love you, too. I’m sorry. I’m trying to be good to you. I’m trying to make things better. I just don’t know how.’ I broke, tears running down my face. This was the best, most productive conversation we had had in a long time.

‘Hey, hey, come here,’ he hushed, pulling me into his arms and bringing us down onto the grass. ‘It’s okay, baby, I know you’re trying. You’re just dealing with a lot and it clouds your perception of things sometimes. But that’s why I’m here, to balance you out. I wouldn’t be good for you if I didn’t call things out for what they are, would I, my sweet?’

‘You’re right. You do help balance things out. There’s just so much and I don’t know how to get out of it,’ I whispered sadly, snuggling my face further into his chest, finding comfort in the man who’s always been honest with me, always my equal.

He kissed my forehead as his hand brushed away loose strands of hair on my face. He pulled my face to his. Our lips came together in a sweet, patient kiss.

I knew it was risky to do this here, but I couldn’t help myself, caught up in memories of our times together. It felt like old times as he laid me back on the blanket, hovering over me. Slowly, gently, he removed my clothes. We made love like it was our first time. Curious hands wandering over one another, quiet giggles and gentle caresses everywhere as we immersed ourselves in one another, the world around us forgotten. It was just him and me.

‘I loved everything about that, but is it possible if you could, maybe, focus on my pleasure a little bit more?’ I shyly asked afterwards, tracing my fingers over his stomach, enjoying the aftermath of our coupling and not wanting to ruin it, but needing to say it.

‘I would if I could, Valare. We’ve discussed this though, you’re so picky and hard to get off. I try. But how long do you honestly expect me to hold out for? It’s pretty unfair of you to ask me this.’

Funny, Eliasson has no problem with it. I swallowed the lump in my throat, ignoring the unbidden thought, realising the confrontation it would bring would never change anything. Instead, I whispered a meek ‘okay’ in an attempt to keep the peace. It worked, but the moment was broken for me.

Eventually we separated. I remained on the blanket, a mixture of my emotions swirling within. I watched as he quickly dressed, leaning down for a peck.

‘I love you,’ he said, running a firm hand through my hair. I didn’t return the sentiment, nor did he wait for it. Instead, he straightened and teleported away.

I chose to stay amongst the branches, thoughts of our conversation playing on a continuous loop, the softness of our love rapidly leaving me. I was beyond frustrated that the conversation had gone exactly the way it always did. I go in knowing I have valid points, only to question myself and be roped back in with his memories of the good times we had shared. Like always, he leaves the conversation without apologising and I am left feeling like the worst person ever because I asked for what I wanted. Why can’t I learn?

My head dropped between my knees, tears streaming down my face.

The verdict is in. The biggest loser award goes to yours truly.

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