Page 70 of The Pucking Fake Marriage

“I know.” Faye laughs. “But you do.”

I’ve never been so gob-smacked in my life. Being told you have commitment issues by an international pop star while sitting at my office desk is the most shocking thing that has happened to me in the last year. And that’s saying a lot.

“What?”

“Blake told me a little about your history,” Faye confesses. “He seems to think you wanted his brother more, and that’s why you didn’t say yes to him. But that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, to me at least. Ken’s brother seems a little…toxic. Plus, Blake said you and Ken were best friends. I knew something was off.”

Commitment issues. I want to deny it, but all I can think of is what my mother said, “Exactly like me. Couldn’t settle for the nice guy. Had to be the other one.”

Faye seems to be reading my thoughts. “Take this from someone who literally ran away on her wedding day. Sometimes, we accept the kind of love we think we deserve. Growing up in an emotionally twisted household convinces us that we are not worthy. And then we settle for a subpar relationship, not only because it’s familiar and we think we don’t deserve better, but also because we know it will hurt less when they leave us.”

Faye is speaking casually, but her words cut deep, rightto my very soul. For the first time in months, maybe years, my thoughts seem to finally make sense.

I consider her theory. Dealing with the emotional desert that is my parents, living my childhood and teenage life for the sole purpose of pleasing them, yet always coming up short. Then finding a kindred soul next door in Ken, the boy I quickly got attached to because we understood each other. Dating Kali because he was safe. Turning down Ken because I’d rather never have him than possibly have to deal with losing him.

She’s right. She’s so fucking right, it feels like she just shined a beam of light into my dark soul.

Commitment issues, passed down from my mother. What a cliché.

“You look like she just punched you in the face,” Harper says with a wan smile.

I nod, too struck to even think of what to say. Thank you? You’re right? Nothing seems appropriate in the light of this groundbreaking revelation.

How could I not have known this about myself? For ten years, I thought I was running from Ken because he betrayed me. But even before the fall, I was scared. Even after learning who was really responsible, my fear is still churning in the chambers of my heart.

The problem has never been Ken.

It’s beenmeall along.

“I know it’s a lot to unpack. I had to deal with a lot of that when I fell for Blake. But to really move forward, you’ve got to ask yourself one question.”

Now I’m back to thinking that she doesn’t understand. Yeah, I might have commitment issues, but our problems far surpass that. He’s never going to forgive me for not taking his side back at that Christmas party. He’s never going to beable to look past the fact that I believed he was responsible for my accident.

If I factor in my commitment issues, I think that he may just go straight to hating me. Because a part of me is starting to think I decided to believe that Ken hurt me intentionally. It was safer to assume he did it, so that I could bury my feelings under a brick wall of resentment.

Only that didn’t go the way I had hoped. Even before last week, when I knew for sure that Ken was not the one responsible, my love for him had broken through the cracks. How could it not? While I was playing him like a fiddle—and after he found out I was using him—he’d helped me through one of the worst moments of my life, not complaining even once.

But I’ve gone ahead and ruined it now. I’m not the only person in this equation anymore. Ken’s feelings matter. I’ve hurt him way too many times. I hurt him enough to estrange him from his own family.

Things are much too complicated. I know it, even if Faye doesn’t.

“You’ve got to be really honest and ask yourself one question,” Faye repeats. Her green eyes are fixed on me; she seems to be staring deep into my soul.

“What?” I ask, in spite of myself. Still can’t help hoping that this is as simple as she makes it seem.

She pauses for a moment. “You’ve got to ask yourself if you love Ken enough.”

Of course I do.The thought springs instantly to my head as my eyebrows knit in confusion. Faye knows that.

“Do you love Ken enough to let go of your fear and chase a real future with him, even though it scares you? Do you love him enough to do something about it?”

Her words resound heavily in the silent room. I stare at her, my heart and mind churning.

Harper lets out a low whistle. “Damn, Faye. If you weren’t a successful pop star already, I’d be recommending you write a therapy column in my magazine.”

Faye chuckles. “I’ve read a few of Rumi’s love poems.”

I stare down at the floor again. For days, I’ve been on my bed, moping about Ken’s departure from my life. But I’ve never considered what would actually happen when I finally see him. What would I do? Apologize? Confess my feelings? Tell him I want to make this official? Or settle for that weird in-between place that I’ve gotten used to over the past few months?

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