Page 66 of The Pucking Fake Marriage

In seconds, I’m wailing, my sobs loud and unrestrained. I bury my face in my hands, too embarrassed to look up at my friend. She lets out a sound of sympathy, her arms enclosing me. I’m barely aware of her guiding me out of the room and into the hallway, but when I manage to look up, we’re in our living room.

She pushes me gently onto the recliner, then sits cross-legged on the floor in front of me.

“Come on now, Charlie,” she says, looking less pissed and more comforting. “Let it all out. The sooner you free yourself of it, the less it has the power to harm you.”

I blink, wiping more tears from my eyes. There’s a giant black hole echoing inside of me, one that is so damned large nothing will be able to fill it. Not a successful business, not approval from my family, not even having my ballet career back.

Onlyhim.

“What are you talking about?” Sometimes, it works to distract myself by speaking to other people. Or so I like to tell myself. “Let what out?”

“Everything you’re feeling,” Haley says. “You know, I still don’t know what happened. One second, you’re shooting each other jealous looks across a crowded restaurant and living together. The next, you’re back on my doorstep, wailing your eyes out and refusing to get out of bed. I let you wallow for a bit, but you’ve not even slightly improved. You need to tell me precisely what happened so I can figure out how to help you.”

Emotionally stable me would have balked at the idea of doing that. But Haley’s right. I am a mess, and I’m tired of sorting through this on my own.

“We aren’t together,” I hear myself mutter.

Haley scooches closer. “What?”

“We aren’t together anymore.” I look into her prying eyes. “Not at all. Right before Christmas, he was pissed at me. Because,” I swallow, “I told him why I shut him out. And he had no reaction whatsoever. He just left.”

“So, there’s a real reason? I knew it!” She glances at me and rearranges her face into a somber expression. “Sorry.”

Quickly, I fill her in on the ten-year-old tale, including Ken admitting he loved me and my ankle breaking. Haley sits wide-eyed as I conclude the story with Ken accusing Kali of planting the weights and how no one seemed to believe him at the party.

I don’t need to tell her the most agonizing part of it though, what has happened over the last four days. Ken has disappeared. There were no games scheduled over the Christmas break, and I wasn’t able to look for him at the stadium. He changed his locks, his number, everything. I haven’t heard from him since the Christmas party. Every day, I wait for Haley to leave for work and go and check his apartment.

I know now what it was like for him when I ghosted him all those years ago. And it feels even worse than I would have ever imagined. It’s a million heartbreaks in one, especially when I recall that I was too scared to even tell him that I believe him.

He’s never going to know that. Nor that I’m in love with him.

Realization hits me then. The rage I feel is directed toward one person only. I’m angry at myself for doing that to Ken. For letting go of him and never giving him the chance to explain.

Haley reaches out and squeezes my hand when I’m done with the story. “Gosh, Charlie. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t deserve your sympathy,” I say, gently pulling my own hand away. “I caused everything. It’s all my fault.”

“No.” Haley sounds so sure I almost believe her. “I can imagine how you must have felt then, tripping over the weights and knowing they were his. You were a kid anddealing with a lot. You couldn’t have been expected to have a rational reaction.”

I’m shaking my head before she even stops speaking. “That’s not it. I could have asked. I could have chosen to assume that there was an explanation. He would have. But I didn’t.”

“Why?” Haley’s question is silent and simple, but it’s one I don’t have an answer to.

At least, not an answer I can verbalize.

So, I settle for one of the foremost thoughts in my brain. “We got the restaurant back because of him. He saved me… He let me stay married to him with absolutely no strings attached. Because I asked him to.” More tears leak out of my eyes. Just thinking about everything makes me want to burrow into a literal hole and die of misery.

Or fear. Fear is definitely one of the emotions I’m feeling.

“Look,” Haley says, grabbing my knee tightly. “I know you made a mistake. Haven’t we all? But you can’t keep beating yourself up about it. You’re sorry, and the moment you see him, you’re going to tell him.”

I think of Ken’s last gaze as he looked around the party for someone to be in his corner. “I’m never going to see him again.” I know that as well as I know my own name. He completely lost faith in everyone. In ever receiving love from his family.

“You never know.” Haley gives me a quizzical smile. “This guy has been in love with you since forever. Nothing—not a single damn thing—can stop that kind of love. He can’t stay away for much longer. He’ll have to come out soon for his training and the next game.”

Inexplicably, I feel an undercurrent of fear pulse through me. Being loved like that, wholly and withoutreservations, scares me to hell. Somehow, it scares me more now than it did back as a teenager.

Haley’s phone starts to buzz loudly. She takes it out of her pocket and frowns at it. “Okay, this is like the thirtieth time the chef’s called. We need to get down there. Get dressed and come with me. Trust me, working will take your mind off things.”

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