Page 32 of Never Say Yes To Your Boss

Except, this movie feels a lot like my life right now.

Because I did catch one of those breaks.

And it’s not just a break. I got so, so,SOlucky that I married Bradford’s brother instead of Bradford himself. Actually, okay, I guess I technically did marry Bradford. Note to self: Don’t give your future children the same name. It’s pretty confusing and can lead to things like swapping out brides later in life. Anyway, I caught thebestbreak, and I married thebestBradford.

I sneak glances at Darius over my bowl of popcorn for the first half of the movie. He’s so not into this, but he’s watching it for us anyway. He let us pick the movie, even though I’m sure he knew what was coming. He might not have a home theatre, buta seventy-two-inch TV and surround sound bring this early two thousand’s rom-com to life. Unlike Darius, Hans is totally into this.

He’s chowing down on popcorn and is dialed right into the screen. My mom and Heather are also engrossed.

I’m at the end of the couch, and Darius is at the end of the sofa, which means we’re not that far apart because the furniture is at ninety-degree angles to each other. In fact, I could reach out and touch him.

Why the hell did I shove him into the friend zone? Right. Because I’m scared. I’m scared because this wasn’t supposed to get real. It was supposed to be both of us getting something we needed, me catching one hell of a break, and then, that’s it. The movie is over after that. I was going to do something here, get a job or volunteer in something to take up my time, and in six months, I’d be kissing Chicago goodbye and heading back to Philly. I love my mom and my sister so freaking much, so I didn’t expect to have any weird heartstrings getting tugged in the opposite direction.

Darius is so close that when I inhale—if I’m brave enough to really expand my lungs—I can smell his manly, fresh, crisp scent. He’s dressed like he’s going to work even though this is totally casual, but I’ve come to realize he does the whole slacks and button-up shirts thing on a regular basis. I’m not complaining. The man has a fabulous ass. And in those pants, oh my god. Just thinking about it sets my ovaries on fire. Thinking about on-fire ovaries makes me think about kitchens and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Darius’ dark whisky eyes, soft hair, perfect bone structure, and all his muscles.

I’m starting to get uncomfortably hot, so I tune back into the movie, eat my popcorn, and distract myself like the good, responsible,friendlyfake wife I am. I’ll freely admit that I like my husband when I didn’t expect to. I think that’s a lot morethan what most marriages get because I think it usually goes the other way on that front, but I don’t have to likelikemy husband.

The movie hits its stride, and I’m lost to it instead of my thoughts, thank goodness.

By the end, my mom and Heather are both still sobbing, and Hans is wiping his eyes while not even pretending he’s not. Darius is looking around the room like he missed something, and I’m the one to jump up and turn the lights on after swiping my hand over my wet cheeks. Who doesn’t love a happy ending, right?

“You have killer sound in here,” Heather points out.

“Thanks,” Darius replies like it’s a compliment, but I know where she’s going with this.

“You know what that means? Because Ev knows what that means.” Heather nudges my mom, who is still doing a face mop-up with a tissue from her pocket. “You know what that means too, Mom.” Then, Heather studies Hans. “And you know what that means, don’t you, Hans?”

“Another death metal dance party that makes the ceiling cave in?”

“Dude, we’re on the main floor, but yeah! Who’s up for it? We can pick music videos and rock out. Oh, wait! We can do teams! I’ll go and get the cat!”

Heather is off and running before any of us can tell her not to involve the cat. Some of us would like to keep our faces from being ripped off. I’m going to make sure the little cow-colored demon feline spawn is on my mom and Heather’s team. They’re always a team because my mom hates dancing, and she needs extra encouragement. She’ll pretty much do anything for Heather; she always has. We both have. And that was long before she got sick. Now, we’re extra liable to fall at her feet or dance our asses off, or do whatever she demands, just to see her smile.

“Teams?” Hans asks in question. “I don’t know about that.”

“Okay!” Heather is back in a flash, holding the wretched beast under her arm. It seriously looks like it’s already contemplating murder, and I know they say that’s a thing with cats, but it’s seriously a thing with this cat. This cat, as Heather said before, is extra. “Okay, teams!” She swings the cat gently in her arms, rocking it like a baby, and it lets out a furious howl but doesn’t scratch her to shreds. “We haven’t even given this guy a name yet because I’m not sure if he is a he or a she. No one has been able to get close enough for validation on that one.”

I take a peek at the back end from under Heather’s arm. The cat makes a sound like it knows I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing, and it doesn’t like it, and it’s about to use its devil cat ninja skills to kick my ass, so I quickly back up. “I don’t see any furry nads.”

“He could be neutered, you know. He could have been someone’s pet at one point.”

“That’s true.”

“Anyway, we’ll give him or her a name one day. For now, we’ll just call it B&E Cat. Spelled with an actual sign. I think that’s fitting.” That settled, Heather points at my mom and Hans. “Hans gets the prettiest girl in the room. That’s you, mom.” Our mom laughs like a young girl again at that, and it’s so, so,SOnice to see her truly happy. When I left the house, we were all exhausted and wrung out from working so many jobs, being worried about Heather, and being worried about a future when we could never get out from under the weight of the past. “B&E Cat and I will be on a team because I’m the only one whose ass it won’t kick. Darius and Ev, that leaves you guys, but you’re not last and least and all that. You should be on a team because you’re married, and you need to work on your bonding.”

“Gee, thanks, Heather.” She clearly enjoys my undisguised dry-ass tone.

She shakes her head and accepts what looks like an actual kiss from the cat of hot death. “It’s alright. I’ve seen you checking him out, and you’re clearly into him, so why not dance with him?”

If it’s possible for my sister to kill me by blatantly pointing out the truth with zero tact, then it’s going to happen. “I think I’ll take the first statement over that one,” I mumble, sauntering away a few feet while my mom and Hans pair up.

“I’ll be the DJ,” Heather says, picking up the remote. She has to juggle the cat in her arms, but it hooks its paws over her shoulder and watches us all with a yellow-eyed stare of doom while she gets the TV set up. She clicks on some app and opens it, and a few minutes later, she’s got the song lined up.

“That looks like…” my mom trails off, because no, it can’t be.

Heather clicks play and points at my mom and Hans. “Go!”

Yup, it is. It’s country. My mom is frozen in place for a minute in the big living room, but Hans takes up the gauntlet enthusiastically enough. He starts doing the line dance to end all line dances, and my god, it actually looks like he knows what he’s doing.

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