Page 79 of Better Hide

Fuck. My body breaks out in a cold sweat, and dread overwhelms me.

“Jay?” Cole watches me closely. I hate it.

I freeze. And it makes me weak.

Cole’s voice softens. “Whatever you’re going through, Jay, you can go through it with us. We’re safe. Neither of us will hurt you. Although, I might kick your ass for being insufferable.”

I swallow painfully. She’ll hurt us. I can’t give her the chance to hurt us. Not again.

Cole watches me closely. “If Jo runs, then we’ll catch her again. But if you make her feel safe, we won’t have to deal with that ‘cause she won’t run.”

Anger hits me again. Does he not see how much I’ve been trying to keep us safe? How we’ve been running from the cops this whole time so I can keep us safe? I growl, “I can’t keep the cops from crawling up our asses.”

“No.” Cole shakes his head. “Make herheartfeel safe, Jayden.”

Suddenly, my mouth is dry. So fucking dry, and dread hits me again.

I don’t know how to do that. I can’t be fucking soft. Love gets you nothing but pain.

I clear my throat. “We need to get rid of Ralph’s body.”

“See, there it is. You’re changing the subject because you’re so afraid you have feelings for her.” Cole shakes his head. “You think you can’t be soft, but you don’t have to be soft to make someone feel safe. You made me feel safe even when Pat…” His voice lowers. “Even then. You were my safe space. So find whatever version of Jayden that was, and be that for Jo. She needs you.”

Something tightens in my chest like a vice grip. Cole glances at me with those clear blue eyes, and I see it. The trust. The love.

My stomach twists, and I feel sick. I don’t deserve that look. I couldn’t make him safe. I wasn’t his safe space. I was there while he was getting abused, though I didn’t know it at the time.

My breathing gets heavy, and a hand falls on my arm. I jump.

“Jayden.”

“Get off me.” Tears fill my eyes. Fuck, this is the worst feeling ever. I need something to block it. Anything. Pure agony rips through me.

“Stop blaming yourself.” Cole’s voice is tight. “We were kids. There was nothing you could do.”

Wrong.Wrong!I could have said something. Could have done something when Pat’s attention locked on Cole. Punched him, hit, fought, anything. But I didn’t. I should have killed him. Should have told someone what Pat was doing. Anyone at all. But I didn’t. I was frozen.

All the years of feelings I’ve tried to contain well up in me, and I heave to catch my breath.

Don’t feel. Don’t fucking feel.

Suddenly, Cole wraps me in a hug. He squeezes, holding me tightly. “I love you, Jay. And I’m sorry.”

I’m trying so hard to catch my breath, but a sharp pain stabs my chest. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.

I need to tell him.

But I can’t.

Another single tear rolls out of my eye, and I stand frozen as it slips down my cheek and drips onto Cole’s shoulder.

Cole just holds me, patting my back every once in a while. Comforting me.Me. When I’m the one who should be comforting him.

Finally, I can’t take it any longer, and I shake him off.

Cole shakes his head. “I think that was worse than a beat down.”

I grit my teeth, still not able to say anything.

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