Page 77 of Judging Duke

“Don’t leave me. Get in, there’s plenty of room.”

“I thought you were asleep.” I threw back the thin cotton sheet and climbed in next to him, pulling it over us. Even though the night was still warm, the cool sheet offered some respite.

“I was pretending. Waiting for you to do the clean-up.” He laughed, fully awake now.

“I bet you usually have a clean-up crew.”

“Um, not exactly.”

“Well, you can do it next time.”

“So there’ll be a next time?”

Would there? That remained to be seen. Who knew what would happen when we returned home? He might fly off to LA again, or he could never want to see me again.

“That kind of depends,” I said truthfully.

“On me or you?”

“On us both? Let’s not rush into anything. You hated me last week.”

“Who says I still don’t?”

“What the…?”

“I’m kidding. Chill, for fuck’s sake. I’ll be honest, though. It might take a while for me to forgive you completely.”

His words had the effect of drenching the moment we’d shared with ice-cold water. How could he still blame me? I’d told him, and no doubt Robbie had as well. It wasn’t my fault.

“And that’s why it probably shouldn’t happen again.” My previous high faded to nothing, wondering if we had done the right thing.

We lay silently, side by side, both lost in our own thoughts. How could I be with a man who couldn’t forgive me for something that happened when I was young?

“I don’t hate you, and I don’t blame you any more for what happened.” His voice was hardly a whisper.

“I lost everything that night, Simon.” Perhaps it was time to tell him my story. Maybe then he could start to forgive me.

And I wanted him to forgive me in his own mind so we could move on to whatever this could be.

“I don’t know what happened to you, but I know you didn’t return home often or for a long time. Help me understand.” He turned to look at me, a serious look on his face.

At least he was willing to listen.

But where to start? I took myself back to that night fifteen years ago, the fear and dread returning tenfold. I’d never forget it.

“I knew we’d done wrong. Not saying it was my fault, but I did dare Robbie to climb on the roof. You know what he was like more than anyone. Always wanting to impress and be one of the lads. If I hadn’t done that, all our lives would have been different.”

“I don’t think we’d be here in this bed, that’s for sure.”

I had to agree. Our lives would have taken a completely different turn of events. Robbie would be doing God knows what, and I certainly wouldn’t have ended up selling my body to every Tom, Dick or Harriet that had the money.

“I went home, already planning my escape. Mum asked me to work in the pub for a while, and when I heard a couple of men talking about Robbie’s accident, I knew I had to leave that night. You’d already threatened me with the police. I didn’t want to wait around any longer.”

“I was angry. My brother almost died.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” I said, hurt by his words. “But when someone you look up to and admire tells you that you’ll see the inside of a prison cell for what you did, what would you have done?”

“I have no words.” Muted chatter could be heard from the terrace below, but I felt like we were in a bubble, reliving that night over again.

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