Page 9 of Judging Duke

Porn paid well, though, and had helped towards paying my brother’s medical fees. The NHS could only do so much, and we’d been more than grateful for the help they’d given him fifteen years ago. But a breakthrough by an Australian doctor had meant Robbie was as close to walking as he’d ever been.

The memory of that night, fifteen years ago, was etched for all eternity in my mind. I’d been out running and had heard my brother shouting at the top of his lungs.

I’d run towards the sound, knowing exactly where I’d find him andwhomI would find him with. Fucking Duke Anders.

They were inseparable.

Even as a gawky sixteen-year-old, Duke had something about him I’d found alluring. But he was my brother’s best friend…and he was sixteen.

Okay, he was of legal age, but you’d not find me going there. Not until he was older, anyway.

But that night had put paid to any plans I had of ever coming out to him.

Those thoughts had kept me awake for years afterwards. I’d seen the sly glances he’d thrown my way when he thought I wasn’t looking. Would we have been anything?

It was doubtful, and even if I had, the chance of us being together now would be slim. We were both young. He was impressionable. I’d never have taken advantage. It wasn’t my style.

Even in the porn industry, if anyone looked young, I’d say no. No way did I want to be associated with that.

I’d started off in straight porn. Fucking women, but not really enjoying it. It took all the pills I could take to keep hard until the shoot was over. Then I’d go home, exhausted from the long days and collapse until I had to do it all again.

I was close to calling it a day when, after a chance meeting with my now manager, I’d moved into gay porn. I fucking loved it. No faking required. Well, not much anyway. There was always the odd one that just didn’t do it for me.

The more popular I got, the choosier I could be, and soon, I was running my own channel, able to pick and choose.

No coincidence I went for mixed-race men. They reminded me of Duke. Some had locs, some didn’t, and despite what he’d done to my brother, the attraction always lingered.

I’d dated a couple of guys, but forming lasting relationships was not for me. Being in the porn industry kind of put paid to that. It was difficult to find a partner accepting of my profession.

I’d been reluctant to tell my parents at first, and they were understandably up in arms when I did. I kept nothing back, but when the good money rolled in and we could get the treatment that Robbie badly needed, they’d relented. Mum hadn’t talked to me for months initially. I knew I was a disappointment, but more than that, she’d called me an embarrassment.

How could she tell her friends and family what I did for a living, she’d shouted in one of the many arguments we had when I’d returned home.

She’d tell them I was in movies, and when they asked what they could see me in, just said it was nothing big. That I was a bit-part actor only starring in small independent films.

I understood their reluctance, but I was doing it for Robbie. Dad just never spoke about it.

Robbie, on the other hand, thought it was hilarious. Typical of him, though, he saw the funny side of everything.

Even when he’d come out of his coma after three weeks, he’d joked around, making the doctors and nurses laugh. They’d been amazed at his recovery, but it was clear after a month or so that he’d never walk again.

Or so we’d thought. I knew my money had helped, and I’d do it all again. He was my brother, after all.

Now, standing in the reception of this fabulous hotel, I appreciated the seclusion my money could afford.

I didn’t need every Tom, Dick or Harry recognising me. You wouldn’t believe the amount of offers I’d get.

Sex was my job, not my life.

The receptionist, Holly, didn’t recognise me. Thank God, but it still didn’t stop her from drooling. She did her best to grab myattention, but I was here to relax, and anyway, she really wasn’t my type.

I wondered, not for the first time, what Duke looked like now and what he was doing with his life.

He’d run away from home the night of Robbie’s accident and had never returned, to my knowledge. I’d called around to his parents’ pub the day after, demanding to see him, only to be told he’d disappeared the night before.

His parents and sister were distraught, especially when he’d fallen off the grid mere weeks later. Because of me and the way I’d acted that night, I’d deprived them of their son. I’d regretted my decision, but it was his fault, wasn’t it?

According to Robbie, it wasn’t. Yes, Duke had dared him, but Robbie could have said no. He point-blank refused to place any blame on Duke.

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