Page 77 of Chase Our Forever

“Good thing you won’t have to miss me for long.” I press one more kiss to his lips before backing away. I’m scared if I stay any longer, I really will miss my pickup time for Dean’s gift. I leave him standing in my closet as I grab my purse from my dresser and walk to the doorway, feeling happier than ever to have the confession off my chest.

I knew he wouldn’t say it back, but even the desperate way in which he just kissed me tells me everything I need to know.

If I give him enough time, he’ll get there. Luckily, I have all the time in the world.

46

DEAN

Mom’s shoulderbumping against mine pulls me from thoughts of Liv and what she’d told me in her closet.

“You seem awfully deep in thought,” Mom notes, taking a seat next to me on the couch in Dad’s study. Clara was in here sitting at Dad’s desk, coloring a picture before she ran off somewhere with Miles and Jack. I meant to follow her out, but I got lost in my own head and forgot all about it.

I let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah. I guess I was.”

Mom crosses her legs and adjusts her dress, pinning her gaze on me. “Want to talk about it?”

I look at my feet, unsure of what I’d even tell her. My guess is that after Liv’s declaration of love, she wouldn’t mind me telling my mother, but I also don’t know that for sure. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

My mind goes back to Liv. To the happiness in her eyes. The hope in her smile. She seemed so confident telling me she loved me, and it terrified me.

Mom reaches across the couch cushions and grabs my hand. “Am I right to assume it’s something to do with Liv?”

I lift my head to look at her. A sad laugh escapes from my lips. “Is it that obvious?”

“Only because you’re my son and I know how to read you.”

I nod, running my hands down my face as I try to decide if I can even voice my thoughts well enough to talk it over with her.

She squeezes my hand reassuringly. “You don’t have to keep those thoughts of yours bottled up inside, dear. I know it’s what you’re used to, but it’s okay to let them out…to let yourself feel.”

I swallow slowly, trying not to remember what happened the last time I let myself feel. When I look at her, my face crumples.

“I promised myself to not feel again, Mom,” I whisper, worried if I raise my voice any more my words will come out broken. “I can’t feel again.”

She nods in only the way a mom can. The one that tells you she’s soaking in your words and really thinking them over. That she understands you and will love you no matter what you say. “But you do,” she responds. It isn’t a question. She can tell just by my reaction how much I’ve failed at keeping myself from getting hurt again.

I don’t answer her. Instead, I look out the window as I take a steadying breath. “Liv told me she loved me today. That she was in love with me.”

Mom’s only response is a small hum. Her fingers squeeze mine as she thinks about what to say back. I can feel her gaze against my cheek even though I don’t look over at her.

“I can’t say I’m shocked,” she finally responds. She keeps her voice cool and composed, the total opposite of what mine is when I do manage to get words out. “She looks at you with so much love it warms my heart as your mother. She looks at Clara that way, too.”

“I know. She’s perfect. It’s just terrifying. What if she leaves? What if something happens to her? There were days I didn’t think I’d survive Selena’s death. And now I’m going to open myself up to that pain again? Open Clara up to the prospect of being hurt?”

She nods, her eyes roaming the room for a minute before she lets out a deep sigh and looks at me. “I think there are two things you can’t control in life—we don’t get to decide when we die, and we don’t get to decide when we fall in love. Selena was taken far too soon. You’ll miss her for the rest of your life. You’ll love her for the rest of your life. But listen to my words carefully: You still have the rest ofyourlife. You don’t know how long that’ll be, but you can’t spend it being afraid of forces outside of your control. Selena would want you to be happy, Dean. She’d want you to fall in love again. I think we can both agree that you’ve already fallen in love with Liv. You just haven’t accepted it—that is something you can control.”

There’s a heaviness in my chest as her words sink in. I never thought I’d have this conversation. No part of me ever thought I’d fall in love again. “I wasn’t prepared to fall in love again, Mom. I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“How lucky are you, honey? To get two epic loves in your lifetime. Some people go their whole life without getting one. It’s time to allow yourself to accept the love you’re more than deserving of.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, my eyes stinging with unshed tears.

If I were honest with myself, I’d admit that my mother’s right. We can’t control when we fall in love. I wasn’t ready to fall for Liv, but I did. I love her despite all the pain of my past and all the fears that consume me. I love her so much it terrifies me.

I’m about to respond when Clara runs into the room with Honey hot on her heels. She doesn’t look twice at my mom or me as she runs right to the window. She presses her face to the window and smiles. “Daddy, it’s Mama!” she yells.

Mom and I share a look before I focus back on Clara. She hasn’t moved. Her nose stays scrunched against the glass as the window fogs up in front of her mouth.

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