Page 64 of Chase Our Forever

I close the distance and take a seat next to her. When she places the blanket on my lap and her thigh brushes ever so slightly against mine, I don’t scoot away from the small bit of contact between our bodies.

I can’t deny that I miss her, even when she’s sitting right next to me. I barely found out what it was like to freely touch her, kiss her, be inside her, but it was enough to ruin me. The memory ofher is burned so vividly in my mind that even the smallest brush of our bodies makes me desperate for more.

I let out a loud sigh as I try to push the thoughts from my mind. I didn’t come out here to be reminded of what happened between us. Today was just a hard day, and I’m finding that I want to spend the hard days with her. Even if it’s just sitting on a porch swing with her as she reads her book. Just being in her presence calms me. It’s something I’ve come to accept instead of fighting.

Liv begins to close her book, but I reach across us and stop her. “You don’t have to stop reading. We don’t have to talk.”

She watches me carefully for a moment. The wind picks up a little and rustles her hair, blowing pieces of it into her face. My fingers twitch in my lap to reach up and tuck them behind her ear, but she beats me to it.

“I don’t mind. I was at a good stopping point.”

“You sure? I can sit here quietly. I just didn’t want to be alone.” It’s a half-truth. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be alone; I just wanted to be with her. Even sitting next to her in silence soothes something deep inside me.

She nods, carefully leaning over and placing the book on the porch.

She adjusts her position on the swing so that her back is against the armrest and her body faces mine. The way she keeps her legs tucked into her chest so she doesn’t encroach on my space doesn’t seem comfortable.

I know it probably isn’t the best idea, but I can’t bring myself to care enough to stop. Reaching forward, I grab her feet and place them in my lap. I adjust the blanket over us, making sure she stays covered with our new position.

We sit in silence for a bit. I don’t remember when, but at some point, my thumb begins running circles along the bottom of her sock-clad foot. Her toes stick out from underneath theblanket, showing off her socks that have flowers with smiley faces all over them. They fit her perfectly.

I smile, continuing to rub the bottom of her foot. When I look her way, I find her eyes already on me.

“Thank you for today,” I say, keeping my voice quiet and controlled. I wish I knew a better way to tell her just how much it meant to me that she went to such great lengths to celebrate Clara’s mother.

“I was so nervous you wouldn’t like it. Or you’d feel like I overstepped.” Her voice is timid and unsure. I wish it wasn’t like that. I wish I’d been able to be more open with her from the beginning so she didn’t feel like she had to walk on eggshells around me.

I watch her for a few moments as I try to think of the right thing to say to her. I want her to know that in the month she’s been here with us, she’s become part of our family. If you have good intentions, you can’t overstep when it comes to family. Not really. “You could never overstep, Liv.”

She gives me that radiant smile of hers that chips away at the stone around my heart. It’s so effortless to care for her…to feel stronger about her than I should.

I sigh, letting my head fall backward against the swing. “What am I going to do with you, sunshine?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you’re just too good. For me. For this world. I don’t deserve you, but I also can’t give you up.”

“You deserve all the good things, Dean.”

I roll my head to the side and really look at her. There’s a feeling that washes over me that if she stays another month or two—which I hope she does—that I won’t be able to keep things professional. Not that having her feet in my lap and feeling an intense need to be around her at all times is professional to begin with.

But I know that I can only keep pretending that I don’t have feelings for her for so long before I have to accept them. I never thought my heart would crave the company of someone else again, yet here I am, wondering if it’s possible for a cold, dark heart to come back to life.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about,” she whispers. She pulls her sweatshirt—well, actually mine—up closer to her face and folds her hand by her cheek to get comfortable against the back of the swing. She looks so relaxed and peaceful, the same way she makes me feel.

You. These days, it seems to always be you.

I keep that answer to myself for both of our sakes. I’m not ready to admit that to her. Not yet, at least.

So I go with something that has been on my mind a lot recently. “I was thinking about how I don’t know much about you. It seems like you know so much about me, but I know nothing about you.”

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder what she’s running from. I know it has to be something. There are clues here and there that tell me that she left Florida behind for a reason. I’ll never forget the fear in her eyes when she asked me not to tell her references where she was applying for a job.

I never called the references at all. They spoke so highly of her in the letters it didn’t seem necessary. Or maybe it was the fact I couldn’t get the desperate plea of her tone out of my head. I didn’t want to risk calling them and alerting whatever or whoever she’s running from as to where she’s ended up.

Liv’s eyes flutter shut for a moment as she mulls over my request. I won’t push her. If she says she doesn’t want to tell me about the life she knew before Sutten, I’ll let her brush it aside. I know firsthand how frustrating it is for people to demand you talk about something you’re not ready to discuss.

But fuck, I want her to trust me enough to tell me about her past. I opened up to her faster than I ever thought I could. I just want to be someone she’s comfortable enough with to do the same.

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