Page 62 of Chase Our Forever

I run my fingers over the front cover. It’s plain leather with nothing on the front. I’m not sure how it’s a gift for Selena yet, but I open it to find out.

My hands still.

The very first page is a picture of Selena holding a newborn Clara.

“Mimi said that’s me!” Clara points to the picture of her. She leans even closer to inspect it. There are stickers all over the page, some even covering the picture. There are also butterflies that were clearly drawn by Clara.

I hope Liv doesn’t notice the way my hands shake as I take in the picture. I remember the day so vividly. Selena had mentioned she thought she was having contractions all day. Finally, after dinner, I convinced her we should go to the hospital. This picture was taken two hours later.

“That bow’s bigger than me, Daddy,” Clara whispers, still inspecting the picture. I laugh, remembering how I’d said almost the same exact thing to Selena. She hadn’t cared. She loved the huge, obnoxious bow on Clara, so I did, too.

“You remember that day?” Clara asks me.

I nod, my eyes misting over the memory. “I do, sweetie,” I croak. It was the best day of my life, and somehow, when I look at this picture of Selena holding our newborn daughter, I don’t feel sad. Not the way I used to. Instead, I’m catapulted to thatvery moment and the rush of happiness I felt welcoming our daughter into the world.

Clara turns the page for me, this time showing off a collage of photos from high school and college with Hattie and Selena. There are neatly printed descriptions below each picture from, I assume, Hattie, explaining what’s happening in each photo.

I continue to turn through the pages of the scrapbook as my eyes burn even more. Eventually, a tear I can’t stop runs down my cheek.

Clara sees it immediately. “Oh no, Daddy, don’t cry. Livvy said we were supposed to be happy when we look at these pictures of Mama. They’re good memories,” she informs me.

I close my eyes, knowing more tears are bound to fall after her statement.

Just when I thought Liv couldn’t get any more thoughtful, she does something like this.

“I’m not sad,” I manage to get out through the thickness in my throat. I rub a hand over my heart, not used to the constricting feeling in my chest. “I’m just—this was really nice of you and Livvy.”

I look at Liv, taking in the moment with her. She wears a party hat with little tiny dogs with balloons all over it. Her eyes watch me carefully. A whisper of a smile is on her lips as she bashfully looks at the counter for a moment before looking at me again. “I got as many pictures as I could from everyone in town. I figured it’d be nice to have a memory book of Selena on days like today. Or any day,” she adds last minute, her tone getting softer with the addition.

I swallow. The book is open in front of me, but for the moment, I just want to look at her. I hope she can read the emotions on my face and understand I’m terrible at words but that what she did today for me, for Clara, well, it means the world to me.

She’sbeginning to mean the world to me, and it’s something I don’t think I can run from.

“This is the best gift anyone’s ever given me,” I tell her. My voice is barely above a whisper. That’s all I can get out through the stray tears that fall down my cheeks and the emotion clogging my voice.

She smiles so wide that I feel it all the way to my bones. Maybe even deeper—I feel it in my soul. I can fight it all I want, but this woman is imprinting herself on every fiber of my being, and I can’t stop it.

She’s my sunshine on a cloudy day, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed the sunshine. How much I really needed it…until her.

37

LIV

A tear runsdown Dean’s cheek as he stares at me. He doesn’t look away despite the tears that have freely fallen.

I savor it, knowing how hard it is for him to show emotion. This moment feels big. Like it’s proof that he’s let me in, that he feels comfortable enough with me to show me this vulnerable side of him.

Clara continues to flip through the pages as if this is the first time she’s seen the scrapbook. It isn’t. She’s helped me decorate the pages for the past week and make it personalized, but I love how excited she is to look at it.

“I don’t know how to thank you,” Dean gets out. His voice is deep and thick with emotion. I love this side of him, the one that doesn’t hide from me.

I shake my head. “You don’t have to thank me.”

He looks down for a moment before meeting my eyes again. “I want to. You doing this…it means everything to me.”

I tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear, hoping that he doesn’t see the blush spreading over my cheeks. I didn’t plan any of this for recognition. I just wanted to do my best to share happy memories of Selena.

I thought it’d be great to have something here for Clara to look at when she had questions about who her mother was. I guessed today would be hard for Dean, and my hope with planning the birthday celebration was that I could do my best to make today even a little less sad. I loved that his family and the rest of the town wanted to help, too. I’d tried to reach out to the number Shirley gave me of Selena’s mother, but I didn’t hear anything back. Shirley told me they don’t hear from them a lot, which makes me sad for Clara.

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