Page 60 of Chase Our Forever

Clara nods, already reaching to grab the bag from Pippa. “I can do it,” she tells us, beginning to squeeze the bag and emptying almost half of it on top of the cake.

“Whoa!” Pippa laughs. “Maybe just a little slower.”

The look Clara gives Pippa is hilarious. “I know how to do it, Pippa.” Her tone makes her seem sixteen and not three.

Pippa and I share a look before breaking out in laughter. We let Clara do the rest of the decorating for the cake in fear of getting another scathing look from a three-year-old.

36

DEAN

Today’s been a shit day.I sit in my parked car in the garage, enjoying a moment of quiet before heading inside.

Everything that could’ve gone wrong today did. A huge commercial deal I’ve been working on to bring a lot of jobs and tourism to Sutten might not happen because of drama outside of my control. The town was very excited about this complex possibly coming into town, which means I was excited, too. It’s hard navigating the happiness of the locals here and making them feel like Sutten stays the small town we love, but also bringing in more opportunities for the town to grow the right way.

This was supposed to be it.

And it might not happen, and I can’t do anything about it.

Add in the fact that Tonya was out sick today and I had to manage more than I normally do.

It was rough.

Not to mention, it’s Selena’s birthday. She absolutely adored birthdays, and today hits harder than others. I know she would’ve loved celebrating with Clara. She would’ve made a big deal out of today and the entire week, milking her birthday for everything. I pretended to give her shit about making it abirthday month or week instead of a day, but deep down, I loved it.

I’ve been so happy recently with things going so well with Clara and Liv that I almost feel guilty. Am I supposed to be happy even though I lost the woman I loved? I was ready to celebrate every single birthday with her until the day that I passed.

I always kind of assumed it’d be me who went first. I never thought it’d be her. I grieved her for so long and shut myself out to the world, but now I’m finding a balance between missing her and also learning to live with the grief.

Learning to allow myself to be happy despite what’s happened. And sometimes the guilt for that hits hard, like today on her birthday.

I sigh, raking a hand over my mouth as I question if I’m a shit father for not having an elaborate day planned to celebrate her mother. I’d planned on taking her into town this weekend and picking out some flowers to visit Selena’s grave. Liv had inspired me to tell Clara more about her mother, and I wanted to do that with maybe a picnic or something at her grave.

But now, I’m wondering if I should’ve had more planned for the actual day.

I lean back, letting my head fall to the headrest. I can’t help but wonder if there will ever be a time where I don’t second-guess every single one of my decisions as a father. They never seem right, and I can’t even talk them through with Selena because she isn’t here to help me make them.

I close my eyes and allow myself a few more moments of grief before heading inside. Despite the shit day, the sadness that comes with the date, and the fears I have about how I’m doing as a father, I’m excited to see my daughter. Everything feels right when I get to wrap my arms around her and remind myself that even with all the pain, she’s the best thing to ever happen to me.

I’m also excited to see Liv. I can’t deny that a big factor in my happiness recently is because of her. And I can’t shake the guilt—and unease—I feel at allowing someone who isn’t my daughter into my life enough to affect my happiness.

With a sigh, I push the truck door open and head inside. It smells delicious. One of my favorite parts of the day has easily become getting home from work. It’s the way that Honey comes running to me every time, her tongue lolling out of her mouth as she immediately rolls over at my feet for belly rubs.

She does that right now. I’ve barely got the door to the garage shut before the puppy is begging for pets. I crouch down for a moment and give her what she wants, unable to resist the dog, even though I swore I didn’t want her. She’s grown on me more than I thought she would. But I guess that’s the story of my life recently.

I’m more open to letting things in than I thought.

The sound of faint laughter coming from deeper inside the house has me giving Honey one last belly rub before standing back up. The biggest reason coming home from work is one of my favorite times of the day is because I love coming home and seeing what Liv and Clara are up to. I can almost always count on them laughing and goofing around when I walk through the door. Sometimes, they’re in the kitchen cooking together; other times, they’re dancing in the kitchen and belting out lyrics to songs I don’t know as Liv cleans up.

But they’re always happy. Clara’s always happy. And fuck, seeing Clara happy and seeing Liv’s smile…well, it makes me happy, too.

I walk toward the kitchen, wondering what Liv made for dinner because it smells incredible. My stomach growls in anticipation.

“Hi!” I call out, wondering why Clara hasn’t already run up to greet me. Most nights, the moment Honey comes running to me, Clara will closely follow.

“In here,” Liv responds from what sounds like the kitchen.

I round the corner and stop in my tracks at the sight before me.

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