Page 75 of The Road to Finding Us

He throws his hands up in defeat. “Yeah, go ahead and leave. That’s what you’re good at, isn’t it? Avoiding hard topics? Lily Morrison, ladies and gentlemen—pretending to be a badass when in reality, she bails the moment her life doesn’t go as perfectly as planned.”

“You were my perfect plan, Aspen,” I say. “Don’t you get that? You were the fucking fairytale in my head! But you ruined it. You didn’t choose me. You chose other girls instead of me.” The last words are barely audible, but I know they still reach his ears. His shoulders stiffen as I say them.

When his gaze meets mine, the look on his face breaks my heart. He looks defeated. “You can say that all you want, but you were never going to let go of this made up persona you had for me in your head. No matter what I did, you weren’t going to let it go. I’m done arguing with you.” He turns back around and walks to the fountain.

I’m left talking to his back. “No. I want to talk about this, Aspen. I want to find a way to work things out between us. We were fine as friends in the beginning of the trip. I would be happy if we could go back to how things were right then, before we once again started playing games without either one of us thinking about what happens after the game ends.”

He laughs sadly. “That’s what you don’t get, Lily. Even if we could go back to the beginning of the trip, I’d still be in love with you. Only you wouldn’t know it yet. I can’t fathom a life right now where I can be friends with you and not want to hold you. Or kiss you. Or pull that damn lip from between your teeth. Even though I want to give you everything you ever ask for, this is one thing I can’t. It isn’t a game to me anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time.”

He turns away from the fountain and walks toward me, his footsteps quick with purpose. Aspen closes the distance between us, pulling me flush against him. He pulls my hair off my shoulder and wraps his hands around the nape of my neck. I lean into him when his lips find my hair. His finger brushes under my chin as he lifts my face to him and whispers, “Don’t cry.”

“Why does it feel like this?” I ask shakily.

“Because even if we don’t get to keep it, the love was real.”

Without thinking about it, I stand on my tiptoes and brush my lips against his. His lips instinctively move against mine, but he rips them away shortly after they meet.

He backs away from me, letting out a loud groan. “You can’t keep doing this, Lily. It’s either you want this, or you don’t. You can’t end things one moment and then kiss me the next. It isn’t fair. How do I fight for a girl that doesn’t want to be fought for? Or better yet, how do I prove to you that all I want to do is love you? I thought I could do that. I worked my ass off to become a man that you’d be proud of and believe—for once. But you’re proving to me, time and time again, that I can’t.”

He runs a hand over his face before he continues to speak. “I need you to decide, right here, right now, what you want. I don’t need promises of forever, I just need to know if I have a chance. Because right now, that’s all I want. I want that chance, but if I don’t have it, then I really need you to stop stringing me along. I’m tired of trying to prove you wrong if there’s no hope you’ll even give me the light of day.”

The world around me stops and the only thing I can think about is the man standing in front of me. My chin wobbles as I realize he’s the only man who’s ever had my heart—and he’s held it for a while now. But, I still look at him and feel my broken heart. I see the women he constantly had over, the look of horror on his face when I told him he’d taken my virginity. My vision blurs with all the different games we’ve played over the years, the games we’re still playing as grown adults. I see so many moments that only remind me of the hurt.

Aspen stands patiently in front of me, waiting for an answer that I don’t know how to give him.

“I can’t,” I choke out. “The thing is, we never even had a true relationship. We would hook up, yeah. And in the moment, it felt real, but it was never an actual relationship. One with commitment and trust. I thought I was head over heels in love with you, but looking back now, I don’t know if that love could have possibly been real. Or at least real enough to build a relationship on now. Because in reality, we were always playing games. It was always a fucking game, even if you claim it wasn’t.”

Aspen begins to shake his head. “Lily…”

Holding my hand up, I stop him. “No, just let me get this out. I think we both know it’s been this way between us, for too long. We’re twenty-five now, Aspen. I’m done playing games to get the guy I want. I want an adult relationship, one without all that. I need a relationship where neither one of us dance around our feelings, but instead, own up to them. I want to know where I stand with someone from the beginning. It shouldn’t take years for someone to confess their love. It’s not normal…it’s just not.”

I sigh. “And we both messed up there. Neither one of us fessed up to our feelings—for years—and that’s not what I want. I want something real and honest. Standing in front of you tonight, I feel like I don’t even really know you. We didn’t talk for so long. We can’t just jump into something again because we’ve gone back to playing our old games over the last week and enjoyed it. I won’t let us continue the rollercoaster ride we’ve both taken each other on. Neither one of us deserve that. We both deserve something more than what we’ve given each other. We both deserve a relationship that’s solid—and serious.”

I never thought I’d be the one to break Aspen Bellevue’s heart. It never occurred to me I would someday hold that power. But as I stare at the look on his face right now, I know I’ve done it.

He pulls in a shaky breath, his eyes traveling down my body before he nods, once. He walks up right next to me, his shoulder against my shoulder, the two of us facing in opposite directions. He looks down at me, speaking very clearly when he says, “Then I can’t do this with you, Lily. You believe the game is still going, and I keep telling you the game is over for me. It has been for a long time. I’ve just been trying to prove that to you. That I love you and am ready to put in the fucking work to make this work—with us.”

Looking away from him, I tilt my head up and look at the sky, trying to find the resolve I need to do the adult thing here. “How can you know you want us to work when we barely know each other anymore, Aspen? How can you possibly know? We barely took the time to get to know each other this trip. Not in the ways that matter. We were either arguing or making out—neither leading to adult conversations. You say it isn’t a game, but it feels like one. You had this big master plan to get me back instead of being upfront about your feelings. That’s a game. We can’t keep doing this.”

He runs his hand over his mouth, getting rid of the look of hurt on his face and replacing it with a look of indifference. “Okay, Lily. The games are over. If you don’t want to give us a chance, there’s nothing more I can do to show you that this time would be different.”

He reaches out, pulling my head to his chest. His warm lips press against my forehead in a moment that seems to last forever. After feeling my heart drop to my feet, just as I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, he pulls away.

“I meant what I said earlier. Even with the games, the love was real. It always will be. I dare you to remember that.” And then he strides right back into the party.

Once he’s gone, it feels like he’s taken my heart right along with him.

37

Aspen

Present

I’ve escaped to another location on the plot of land Veronica apparently called home as a kid. I always suspected she came from money, but I did not expect that she’d lived in a house straight from a movie. When Maverick first pulled onto the sprawling piece of property a few hours ago, the driveway lined with blossoming trees on each side, I almost shit my pants in disbelief.

And then we caught sight of the house. Not a house, but a mansion. Complete with white pillars in the front and a circle drive.

I looked at Veronica, who sat in the backseat next to Lily. “You grew up here?” I’d asked her in shock.

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