Page 66 of The Road to Finding Us

Well, at least there’s a little bit of spunk left in her.

I peel the bra off quickly, staring at the hideous mural behind her to avoid looking at her bare breasts. I trail my fingers along the bed until I’m met with the fabric of the shirt I’d snagged from her bag for her. In one swift movement, I pull it over her head, directing her arms through each of the holes.

Next, I grab her by the elbows and lift her off the bed. My fingers dance up her thigh until I feel the top of her jeans shorts to grab. I peel them off her slowly, kneeling in front of her as she steps out of them. Grabbing the pair of leggings from the top of the bed, I hold them open for her at her feet. Her small hands rest on my shoulders as she steadies herself, stepping into the pants right after.

“Why are you being nice to me right now?” she asks quietly, looking toward the bathroom.

I pull the pants up her legs until the waistband rests around her hips. “Why wouldn’t I?”

She falls back onto the bed, pulling her knees to her chest. “I don’t know. You just accused me of breaking your heart.”

I lift from the ground, standing in front of her. “Is it an accusation if it actually happened?”

Lily rolls her eyes, crawling up the bed and then climbing underneath the covers.

My hand absentmindedly finds my hair, brushing through the long strands at the top. “We both fucked up back then, Lily. I lost my cool out in the rain. I’m just tired of you thinking I’m somebody I’m not. And I’m tired of pretending I didn’t love you and that you didn’t hurt me.”

She pulls the comforter up to her face, resting her hands underneath her cheek, while still managing to keep her stare on mine. “We hurt each other a lot. You broke my heart too, Aspen.” Her words slice right through me, forming a pit in my stomach and nauseating me.

Thunder cracks in the distance. I close my eyes for a moment, willing the pain away from her words.

As Lily lies in the bed alone, I go through her wet clothing. I hang each piece over the shower curtain rod, making sure the drips are landing in the water-stained bathtub. Stepping in front of the sink, I turn the water on and splash it on my face. I allow myself a deep, calming breath.

My plan is going to shit, but I’m determined to get things back on track. That plan now involves getting Lily back to her normal spirits. Not this shell of a woman breaking apart in the next room.

Minutes go by before I decide what to do. The mattress dips as I crawl into bed next to Lily. There’s a bed a few feet away from us that I can sleep in, but I can’t fight this urge to hold her in my arms. Something has changed between us. We’ve laid out the hurt we’ve caused each other. There’s no more pretending—for either of us.

She doesn’t say anything as I climb into bed beside her. No, she surprises me when she lifts the blanket, allowing me to burrow deeper into the warmth. My fingers come up to pull her lip from between her teeth. Lily leans into my hand, so I leave it there, refusing to miss the rare chance to touch her.

I give her a smile, though it feels forlorn. “They’re not as purple anymore.”

She nods while she nestles in.

The only sounds in the room are our breathing and the rain pelting against the roof. Our legs tangle together underneath the covers, and I hesitantly pull her to my chest. Stroking her hair, I say, “I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew you’d react like this. Please, Lil, just tell me you’re okay. What can I do?”

My abs flex when she slides her cold hand underneath my T-shirt. She rests her palm against my chest, right next to the spot her head is resting. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

I can’t form a response at first. All I do is stroke her hair, thinking of what I could possibly say to that. “I’m sorry, too.”

“Would you go back and change things, if you could?” she asks, tentatively.

“Yeah, Lily. I think I would.”

The sob rips out of her almost immediately. My arms tighten around her as her body shakes again, this time with grief. Tears drench the spots underneath her eyes, but I don’t move to wipe them away.

I try to ease her pain a different way, whispering words of encouragement in her ear while pulling her closer.

“We were just kids back then.”

“We can’t change the past, but we can change the future.”

“Hearts have to break at some point, right? I’m happy mine was broken by you.”

My fingers play with her wet and knotted hair while she remains quiet. I twist the dark strands around my fingers over and over until her body stops shaking and eventually, she falls asleep against my chest.

Despite all the pain we’ve caused each other, even the pain we dished out to each other today, I fall asleep happy.

Because the girl I first fell in love with—the girl I’m still in love with—falls asleep in my arms.

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