Page 54 of The Road to Finding Us

I swipe the card in front of the keypad and then push the door open. I’m met with a dancing Lily. A pop music video is playing on the TV, and I watch, captivated, while she tries to mimic the people on the screen—all while balancing an almost-empty bottle of wine. Her hips sway in tune to the couple on the screen. The hand not holding a bottle of wine traces down the slope of her stomach as the man in the music video does the same to the woman he’s dancing with. I recognize the guy as Nash something. Lily and Selma used to be obsessed with a boyband he was in, and now that he’s on his own, I’ve become all too familiar with his songs.

I can’t say that the music sounds half-bad when her hips fall in perfect sync with the chords.

It takes her a few moments to notice I’m there. She startles, mid-dance-step, and covers her chest with the bottle.

“And where have you been?” she shouts over the music. “With Giselle?”

I walk a few steps into the room to grab the remote from the desk and turn down the music enough so I can hear myself think.

“That was the world premiere of Nash Pierce’s new music video. How dare you ruin my dance party! I was totally vibing with that video. Leave me with Nash and go find Giselle.”

I give her a clipped response at the childish face she’s making. “Not happening.” I take a step closer to her, and she takes a step back. She backs away far enough that her bare calves eventually hit the end of my bed. I continue to step closer until I’m towering over her. After I grab the bottle from her hand, I bring it to my lips, letting the sweet flavor linger in my throat before swallowing.

Lily watches me carefully as I take a few gulps of it. The wine isn’t my favorite, the sweet red a little too sweet for my taste, but I know it’s hers. And right now, I’ll drink anything to take the edge off. I pull the bottle away from my lips, using the back of my hand to wipe at my mouth.

After handing the bottle back to her, she puts the bottle to her lips and tips it back, gulping down the last bit until the empty bottle is still tilted. She looks like she’s trying to savor every last nonexistent drop. I can’t help but fixate on her lips, at the way they’ve turned a perfect shade of purple. Lily even goes as far as copying me by using the back of her hand to wipe her mouth off.

I want to be the one to rid her mouth of wine stains.

The thought jostles me.

“How was your time with Giselle?” she asks.

I don’t miss the way she keeps pronouncing Giselle with disdain, as if she clearly doesn’t like the girl I’ve barely interacted with.

I decide not to play into her game quite yet. I’m going to let her think whatever the hell she wants. My voice is low when I ask, “Does it matter?”

“No. Yes?” Her eyes dart over my face frantically, as if I should have the answer she’s looking for. Her shoulders lift in a slow shrug. “I don’t know.”

My body gravitates toward her on instinct. With our close proximity, I can tell she’s removed all the earlier makeup from her face. I can smell the soap on her—lilac, the same soap she’s always used. I pull on the string of her hoodie. “Why would it matter, Lily?”

It could be my mind playing tricks on me, but I swear she leans closer to me. “Were you with her?” She slowly takes her gaze away from where my fingers still grasp the string of her hoodie, landing on my face.

I would give my left nut to know what’s going through her head at this very moment. The way her eyes cautiously scan my face does something to my chest.

In this moment, there aren’t any walls up between us. We aren’t hiding behind insults and jokes, behind façades we’ve put in place to preserve our hearts. We’re being real—and I wish it could be like this forever.

I’m tired of the games. I want the prize.

I want her. I just don’t know how to tell her that. I’m too scared to tell her that.

Old habits die hard, because I feel the urge to lie to her, to tell her I was with Giselle. I want to make her hurt the way I had when I heard her talking to Blaine. But if I’m ever going to convince this woman to let her barrier down for good with me, I have to do my part. “I was alone, Lily. Completely alone.”

Lily works her bottom lip between her teeth so hard it’s starting to turn red. This habit of hers has sent blood pumping to my dick for years. I pull it out from between her teeth, my gaze flicking down to her wine-stained lips. I look away, trying to ignore my racing heart.

“Why were you talking to Blaine?” The question that’s been flooding my mind the last hour is finally out in the open. I remind myself to breathe as I wait for her answer.

“Because I’m allowed to talk to whoever I want to,” she quips.

I guess she isn’t in the mood to share. And I won’t beg her to.

“Did you mean it?” The words escape my lips quickly as I step away from her, needing space. I let my body fall onto my bed, my gaze not wavering from hers.

She slowly turns around, her dark eyebrows pulling together in confusion. “Mean what?”

My jaw clenches, working back and forth. “When you told Ed that at one point you thought we’d be together.”

Lily doesn’t answer at first. Her bare feet pace against the carpet as she thinks through my answer. Her hands find her hips, scrunching up her sweatshirt enough until her sleep shorts peek through. “So you heard that conversation? I should have known.”

---