Page 74 of The Road to Finding Us

What a shitshow.

36

Lily

Present

Hours later, I escape the bustling engagement party. Stepping out into the terrace of Veronica’s very rich parents’ house, I’m shocked to find Aspen standing in front of a fountain.

He glances over his shoulder, barely pausing before he looks away again.

“I thought I’d be alone out here,” I tell him.

“Nope,” he quips. “I needed some air to sort stuff out in my head.”

I begin to back up to the door. “Well, I’ll leave you to it then.”

“Please stay.” The plea is barely audible.

When I take the spot next to him, the left side of his mouth lifts up in a half-smile and my heart starts to race. Mustering up the courage, I talk, staring at the sputtering water in front of us. “We need to talk.”

“So now you want to talk. I don’t even know what else to say to you anymore. You’ve been trying your hardest to convince me that I’m a rollercoaster, but I think you are. You’re the one who’s being hot and cold recently.”

I take a deep breath before speaking, ignoring his comments. “I think I fell in love with you in college before our lips ever touched. I think my heart knew you were special the moment I saw you in the elevator.”

“You mean the time you punched me in the balls?”

“Semantics,” I respond, before continuing my speech. “I think I decided to hate you because it was an easier road than loving you. By the time we first kissed, I had wanted you for so long. I just wouldn’t give into it. But even though my heart was wanting you, I was seeing you with girl after girl after girl. And there came a point where I got so insecure about it that I really pretended to hate you. Because what else could I do? I didn’t think you wanted me. Then something changed. I realized you watched me. I realized you wanted me. I eventually gave in to my feelings for you. Even though I knew you weren’t one for a relationship.”

“I never told you I didn’t want a relationship,” he interrupts.

“You might not have said the words, but your actions spoke for you. Then we had sex and things got muddy. I thought you regretted taking my virginity. I thought it disgusted you. I gave up on you before you could give up on me. It didn’t help when you had some girl in the room with you, the very next day. You say it was all a charade, and I’m telling you, you played the part very well. Then I actually did hate you. I hated you because you broke my heart into smithereens. That hate simmered in me for years before you showed up for this trip. And then yet again, things got muddy between us. And just when I was coming to terms that I might let you in again, I find out you conspired with my best friend on a way to make me, instead of just telling me how you felt. Every serious moment between the two of us seems like it was all some sort of game, and I hate it. I need time—and space—to think it all through. I’ve been lied to by you, I’ve been lied to by Veronica. Hell, maybe even Maverick was in on it. And I hate it. I hate not being in control of any of this and I just need freaking time.”

Aspen, the whole time I’ve been speaking, has just been staring at the fountain in front of us. I look out of the corner of my eye to see his hands running through his hair, his jaw working back and forth. After repeating the movement a few times, he turns to face me.

His shoulders rise and fall with a loud exhale. “Okay.”

I hesitantly run my fingers over the soft fabric of my dress. “Okay?”

Aspen nods. “Okay.”

“That’s all you’re going to say? I just poured my heart out to you, and all you can give me is okay?”

“Yes, Lily, that’s all I’m going to say right now.”

“Well, okay,” I say, emphasizing his new favorite word before turning my body toward the terrace doors.

“What do you want from me, Lily?” Aspen yells behind me, his voice carrying over the cascading water. “I play your part and I’m the bad guy. I fight for you and I’m the bad guy. I respect your wishes and I’m still the bad guy. No matter what I do, I can’t win. I’m always the bad guy!”

I turn to face him, yelling, “I don’t know what I want, Aspen! I have no idea what I want right now and it scares the shit out of me!”

“You need to figure it out!” he shouts. “Because I’ve told you exactly what I want. And it’s you.”

“God, you make me so angry. I don’t understand why I’m even confused. All we ever do is fight!”

His Oxfords angrily slap against the ground as he paces toward me. “I couldn’t care less if we fight. It’s been that way since the day we first met. But we also fight for each other, Lily. At least, I fight for you. I’m not sure what you fight for anymore.” His voice is laced with years’ worth of anger.

I turn around, taking the last couple of steps toward the door.

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