Page 38 of The Road to Finding Us

“Ours are in the past. They have to stay there.”

“But about the what-ifs of the future?” he tries.

“I’m going to sleep now, Aspen.” I roll over, tucking my hand underneath my head and facing the wall.

We’re treading into unsafe territory here. It’s like we’re both about to tiptoe into no man’s land. Anyone with a brain knows how that’ll go. I’m not risking it. I just want to preserve the progress we’ve made thus far.

“I thought it was too early to go to sleep,” he teases.

“Shut up.” I smile. “Go to bed.”

“What if I want to talk more?”

I sigh, suddenly exhausted no matter how early it is. “I’m done talking. Goodnight, Aspen.”

Before I close my eyes, I mull over his words. I can’t help but wonder if the two of us had handled things more maturely in the past, if we might’ve had a different outcome. He obliterated my heart into tiny little pieces, but I also pushed him—hard. If we were more realistic about what we were doing, I’m not sure things would’ve blown up the way they did—like a freaking bomb. But they did. There’s no changing that.

I fall asleep thinking about the time in my life when Aspen owned my heart, no matter how hard I’d fought against it.

20

Lily

Past - Age Twenty-One

Aspen’s normal mask of confidence is gone from his face as he closes the distance to me. Water drips from his hair, but I barely spare it a second glance. I’m too caught up in the look he’s giving me. The want is crystal clear, conveying that he hungers for this just as bad as I do.

God, do I want it.

I know I’m insane to want this from him. To need this from him. I suspect nothing will come from it. He’s never tried to hide that he has no intentions of having anything serious. But for once, I want to be one of the girls I always make fun of. I want to be his girl for the night. I desperately want to know what it feels like to have him want me just as much as I want him—if only for a night.

I’m trying to remind myself that tomorrow we’ll go back to pretending to hate each other and using the other for the butt of our jokes. But for tonight…tonight I’ll make him mine.

“We shouldn’t be doing this, Lily,” Aspen affirms, walking the last bit of distance in the water until he’s right in front of me. He doesn’t bother with personal space. He walks right up to me until his wet chest presses against my own.

I can feel my nipples hardening underneath my sports bra. By the way his eyes flick down, he must feel them through the thin fabric as well.

“I’ve never been one that likes to play it safe,” I respond, lifting my hand from the water and running it up his arm ever so slowly.

I’m in awe that I’m getting to touch him.

Aspen Bellevue.

My brother’s best friend, but mine right now.

The water sloshes around as he reaches to cradle my head in his hands. His green eyes bore into me, letting me know how serious he is before he says his next words. “Tomorrow, we have to forget this ever happened.”

I nod, too mesmerized in the way his hand slips down my neck. He grabs the back of my head possessively. It has my body heating everywhere.

“Lily?” he says.

“Hm?” I respond, my head feeling foggy by his touch—or maybe the alcohol.

“I’m going to kiss you.” His words are simple, but they have my toes curling in the mud beneath my feet.

My eyes dart to his, my heartbeat erratic against his chest. “I think I’d like that,” I whisper. The next minute goes by so slowly it feels like I’ll never forget a single second of it.

He leans closer and pulls my lip out from between my teeth. His warm breath hits my lips two seconds before he finds my mouth.

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