Page 74 of The Consequence of Loving Me

Maria gives me a beaming smile. “Thank you works just fine. Please know I mean it. The two pieces we kept of Connor, I’ll never be able to thank you enough for. They are so special to us.”

“Oh, please don’t thank me.” I look down at my teacup, too uncomfortable to look her in the eye at the moment. “I would never have had the nerve to show you those, if they hadn’t been donated. I just—”

I suck a deep breath in, trying to come up with a way to start this conversation. “I just didn’t think you and Kenneth would want anything from me after everything that happened.”

“Will you look at me?” Maria’s hand reaches across the white table and places it on my wrist.

I stare at my tea for a few moments longer before I get the courage to look her in the eye again. I don’t see any resentment on her face. There’s no hate or disappointment. I just see a face that is calm. Loving. Understanding. I still feel like I don’t deserve it, but I can’t turn away from her kindness.

“Kenneth and I never blamed you, Veronica. Do you understand that?” Her small hand tightens on my wrist to get her point across.

I can feel the lump in my throat start to form. I’ve needed to hear those words for years, but I still can’t fully believe them.

How can they not blame me?

They still might when they hear the whole story from my mouth.

“You don’t know everything,” I manage to choke out.

Maria leans back in her chair while holding her teacup. “Why don’t you tell me then?”

I take in a huge deep breath, trying to suck in as much courage as I can. This will be the moment that destroys me or heals me. Her reaction to hearing the truth is what will seal my fate. I can’t go on another day with this guilt on my back. But if she can forgive me for the part I played…well, maybe I can get rid of the burden that has sat on my chest for years.

“It was my fault Connor was even in the ocean. We were fighting because I was being dumb. I loved your son, I promise I did—I still do. But, back then, I had a lot of personal things I hadn’t worked through.” I shake my head and let out a nervous, disgusted laugh. “I needed to fight with him to know he loved me. It was so fucked up.”

Her eyes widen, and I add, “Oh my god, I meant messed up. I’m sorry for cursing. Anyway, we were fighting. I had conjured this picture in my head where I thought he wanted another girl in our class. I wouldn’t let it go. It was so stupid.

“We were on the beach, and to get away from me, he walked to the ocean. I followed him. We continued to argue as we both went deeper and deeper into the water. If I hadn’t kept egging him on, if I just got out, I know he would’ve followed me. But I stayed in the water—in those waves—and so did Connor.

“Finally, he hit his breaking point. After a while, I pushed him so far over the edge that he needed to get away from me. He did that by swimming deeper into the ocean. The next thing I knew I was pulling him onto the shore and he was just…so limp.”

I’m talking so fast at this point, emptying all of this off my chest and I can’t get rid of it soon enough. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed her to know everything.

I look her in the eye as tears race out of my eyes. They fall down my cheeks and stick to my chin. “He was so limp, Maria. I tried to bring him back, I swear I did, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. I’m so sorry. God, I’m just so freaking sorry.”

My throat clogs up at the end.

I can’t get anything else out. All I can do is sit there and bawl in front of Connor’s mom. I shouldn’t even be allowed to grieve. I lost a boyfriend, but she lost her son.

I feel guilty for even reacting like this in front of her.

My eyes track a tear that runs down her cheek. Above us, shouting begins again. We both stare at the ceiling for a moment as we hear the twins fight about something in a video game. My eyes are still on the ceiling when Maria begins to speak again.

“When we got the call—that something had happened to Connor—it was the most devastating moment of my life. No mother imagines they’ll have to bury their child, but it became my reality. When we got the call, we were out at a little league game for the boys. I dropped to my knees in front of everyone when the officer asked us to come down and identify the body. I lost myself in front of the whole town. Connor was our sweet boy, our first born, I didn’t know how to continue on without him and his sense of humor.”

At this point we’re both crying at her kitchen table, our teacups haphazardly set in front of us, neither of us bothering to touch them.

“When the on-scene paramedics told us what had happened,” Maria says, “when they recounted the story you told them, it became the second most devastating moment of my life. Because not only had I lost my son, I was then faced with the fact that you were there when it happened. That must have been such a traumatic experience and I couldn’t imagine how you were feeling. I know how much you loved him. Every person we talked to told the same version of the story you just told me, Veronica.

“Except the story they told us had more to it. The fact that you—a tiny girl—had pulled a soaking wet Connor to a safe beach almost all alone. How you did chest compressions on him until your hands bruised. How your eyes were so bloodshot from opening them in the saltwater to look for him. They told us how hard you tried to bring him back to us. And I broke down for a second time that day because, even though I had lost a son, and I was absolutely devastated, a girl I loved as my own daughter had just gone through something so horrific. I wanted to reach out to you, but you had to heal in your own way, and I don’t blame you at all for how you handled things.

“But, Veronica Rose Cunningham, I have to tell you something and I need you to listen very carefully.” Maria gives me a determined look, even though tears are still welling up in her eyes. “I never once blamed you for what happened to Connor—not once. I know you blame yourself and I wish I could take that burden from you because it isn’t one I want you to bear. But please know that every part of me thanks you.

“I thank you because you did everything you could to bring him back. And yes, neither one of you should’ve been in that ocean when you knew the waves were high and that you were near a sandbar. The conditions were perfect for a rip current, but that doesn’t mean anyone is to blame or at fault. We’ve all been in that water at some point when it wasn’t safe.

“It was a tragedy that out of the hundred deaths a year there are from rip currents, Connor was one of them. But I will say this again. It isn’t your fault, Veronica. It never was. You can’t let the guilt from his death continue to eat you alive.”

I’m bawling, shaking my head at her.

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