Page 37 of The Consequence of Loving Me

I track the movement with my eyes. My mind skips to all the times my lips have traveled that same pathway.

She speaks again, catching my attention. “Or who was at Lenny’s?” Those green eyes analyze me while she waits patiently for an answer.

It isn’t lost on me that she’s never had to question me before. Not like this at least.

And now, she’s waiting for an answer I’m afraid to give. An answer I know will put a wedge between us, even though it was never my intention to do so. “Veronica.”

She nods, as if she already knew. Her small hand runs through the short-wet strands of her hair, tousling it all. She bites her bottom lip, something she does when she’s working through a thought. Her mouth opens to say something, but I speak before she can.

“Selm, it’s not like that.” I step closer to her, but I know her body language like I know my own, and when she moves deeper into the chair, I can tell she doesn’t want me close to her. I feel it in my heart. It aches and squeezes and sends a pit straight to my stomach.

She never backs away from me. Usually she walks straight into my embrace. Something is different between the two of us. I start to realize my innocent friendship with Veronica has added up to something different in her eyes—something worse, something that doesn’t seem so innocent.

We’re both silent, our eyes staring at the other’s in the middle of our empty house. The home we built together after we both moved out of the dorms after freshman year. We’ve made so many memories here. Memories that haunt. Memories that are now being tainted by the conversation about to unfold. The only light in the room comes from the dim lights above the stove. My gaze takes in every inch of her, as I try to predict what exactly she’s thinking.

“I didn’t say it was like anything, Maverick.” Her phone vibrates loudly against the granite countertop, but neither of us look at it.

My hand reaches up to rub my chin, feeling the stubble I’ve been too lazy to shave over the last few days. I know I need to do something instead of just standing here like a dumbass. I try to think of the next thing I should say. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have to justify myself to Selma and it feels weird. It isn’t us. It isn’t something I’ve ever had to do.

“My dad called tonight.” Those green eyes drift over my face, gauging my reaction. Her head is tilted, waiting for my response.

“I’ll talk to him.” The words automatically tumble out of my mouth, before I even know what their conversation consisted of this time.

She lets out a long sigh, one that sounds like I’ve let her down. “That’s the thing, Maverick. I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks. Since we were kids, you’ve been my rock, my home, and I think we’ve both gotten used to it. I think we’ve gotten comfortable with it. Too comfortable.”

“What’s wrong with being comfortable with that, Selm? I want to be there for you when you need me.”

She adjusts in her chair and continues her last thought like I hadn’t even said anything. “We’ve gotten so comfortable we haven’t even realized that we no longer have a relationship outside of you saving me and me needing saving.” A tear runs down her cheek.

I step closer to her again and this time she lets me. I don’t touch her, but I cage my arms around her. My body just needs to be close to hers. To feel her proximity.

“What are you even saying, Selm?”

Another tear escapes. I think of all the times I’ve seen her tears fall, but this is the first time they’ve ever fallen because of me. Until now, my job has always been to simply wipe them away.

“I’m saying that our relationship is a lie,” she states. “We aren’t a couple. We’re just two best friends that are co-existing, neither one having the courage to mess up what we’ve always known.”

My mouth opens to argue otherwise, to change her mind, but she holds up a hand and says, “Please just let me get this out. I’ve thought a lot about it recently and I need to tell you every sad thought.”

I nod, lowering my head to look at our bodies that are inches apart.

“When I told you my dad called, your first reaction was to fix it for me instead of asking what he said. If you had asked, I would’ve told you that he and I had a long conversation about our father-daughter relationship. He wants me to come home to visit and talk it out.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask. I’ll stay out of it. I love you.” The hand that’s been resting on the counter between us lifts up and cups her cheek.

She lets me do it, she even leans against it, like she’s allowing herself the small comfort. Our eyes are locked as she continues to dump her thoughts on me. “I love you, too, but I think we’ve been lying to ourselves. I think we’re in love with the roles we let the other play. You love being the savior, the rescuer. I love being rescued. But that doesn’t mean we’re in love. I’ve thought about it all so much. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually been in love with you, Maverick, and it’s devastating. We’ve been together for years. I should be able to say with absolute certainty that I’m in love with you, or that I was at some point, but I can’t.”

Her hands are flying around all over the place as she talks. She gets so animated about things, and I used to love watching her tell stories with those hands waving around, but now it just hurts to see. Because when she does it, I know she’s passionate about what she’s talking about. That she’s put a lot of thought into it and she means every single word she says. Knowing that, while hearing her words, causes my heart to shatter. Not because I just found out she’s never been in love with me, but because she’s confirming something I never wanted to acknowledge.

Our relationship has always been a lie—a beautiful lie that neither of us realized we were even telling.

It fucking hurts. It hurts like hell to realize that you’ve given your all to something, committed to it. But your heart—that pesky little shit—has never followed suit.

Her finger traces over my hand that still cups her cheek. “It hurts me in so many ways to say all this. It feels like I’m chewing glass as I do so. But I have to. It’d be wrong for us to stay in this relationship just because we’re comfortable with the circumstances.”

“I don’t know anything but you, Selm. I’m not ready to give up on this.”

“I’m scared that if we stay together, we’ll grow to resent each other. You would resent me for chaining you down and I would resent you for fighting all my battles. I can’t let that happen to us. I love you so much, Maverick. A part of my heart will always belong to you. We are Selma and Maverick. Destiny. But I think it’s time we both realize that our destiny is to be friends—just friends. To be there for each other for the rest of time. We can’t do that if we’re busy living in this charade that we’re in a happy, loving relationship. You say you don’t want to give up on us, but I think we both gave up on us a long time ago without even noticing it. We both gave up the moment we stopped wanting the absolute best for each other.”

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