Page 31 of The Consequence of Loving Me

He jumps when I yell—the only thing that gives away his feelings. His face stays stone cold. Connor’s voice is a calm whisper when he says, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Louisa! Louisa Finn. I saw the way you were looking at her tonight. Is that what you’re into? A five foot, dark-haired, her?!”

His eyes widen, his fingers lightly strumming the steering wheel, which I know he does when he’s anxious. “I have no idea what narrative you’ve written in your head, but I have zero interest in her. I’m in love with you!”

I laugh—a shrill noise that fills the silence of the car. “Okay, Connor. Next joke, please.” I hastily unbuckle my seatbelt and force the car door open. Slamming it, I speed toward a secluded part of the beach. I know he’s following me when another door slams.

“Veronica! Don’t just walk away from me,” he yells, his own anger now filling in the spaces between each syllable.

Sand gets in my Converse shoes, irritating the hell out of me. I stop to yank both of them off, throwing them onto the sand.

I keep walking until the water hits my feet. The wave rolls in, engulfing my feet for a few short moments before it retreats back.

Connor’s hand wraps around my elbow, spinning me to look at him. “What have I ever done to make you think I want anyone other than you? I love you so much. I don’t look at other girls. All I want is you.”

His eyes are sad and pleading, the greens of his irises popping against the freckles that dust his nose and cheeks. I want to kiss him so badly, to forget about this stupid fight, but I don’t because I know what I saw when I saw him looking at her.

“And Louisa Finn,” I retort.

He lets out an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes as he does so. I can tell he’s annoyed when he runs a hand over his face, pulling the skin. “What do you want from me right now?”

His chest heaves up and down, his gaze penetrating my own. I won’t back down and neither will he.

When I take a long breath in, I smell the sweet salty scent of the ocean. Every few seconds, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore fills my ears. “I want you to not look at other girls!”

He laughs. “Holy hell, Veronica. I don’t! You’ve come up with this bat-shit crazy idea in your head that I’m looking at other girls, so you can have a reason to be mad at me. You want me to grovel at your feet, to apologize and tell you every reason I love you, so you feel better about yourself. Why are you so insecure? Don’t you see how perfect you are?”

When I don’t respond, he turns around and starts to walk right into the ocean—away from me. He’s running away from me. I feel my lip start to tremble, an easy indicator that I won’t be able to hold back the tears much longer.

“I do not!” I snap, but it comes out as more of a whine. I think about arguing with him, trying to convince him he’s wrong. But I know deep down he’s right. I am insecure and I need to find ways to fight with him to have him say sweet things to me and make me feel good about myself.

“Yes, you are! If you would just step out of your head for two seconds and think about someone other than yourself for once, you would see that I’m head over heels in love with you. I love every bitchy, insecure, selfish part of you. Because I know the real you. The one who’s sweet and funny and passionate. I love both sides to you, but I’m not going to let you attack me for something I didn’t do.” He’s even farther from me now, his clothes starting to stick to his skin from the water.

“Fine! If I’m so insecure and such a bitch, then let’s end it,” I yell.

I can’t see the look on his face, but I do notice the way he freezes. The way his lean muscles tighten underneath his shirt. His shoulders rise in a deep breath before he turns around and a sarcastic laugh passes through his lips as his eyes widen maniacally. “Holy shit. That’s what you’re latching onto from everything I just said? I’m done, Veronica. Done!” he yells.

My stomach turns at his last word. He’s my life. I can’t lose him. But I’m too stubborn to actually say that.

“Then go!” I walk deeper into the water. The warm water laps against my knees. “This was never supposed to be serious anyway, right? You just wanted to find out what’s behind East Point’s princess. What really makes her tick. If she’s really such a bitch or if she’s just damaged. If it’s all a persona she puts on to keep people away. Well congrats, Connor Liams, you found out. You cracked open my shell and discovered what’s really underneath.” I have to yell even louder than before so he can hear me with how far away he is. I start to slow clap as I engulf myself even deeper into the water. Now, I’m all the way in, the water lapping against my belly button.

“Get out of the water, Veronica,” he says, taking a few steps closer to me so he doesn’t have to yell as much. Even after a few steps toward me, we’re still a good distance apart.

“You first, Connor. Why should I get out if you’re still in?” I know it’s childish, but I turn my back to him and walk in even deeper. “You know, you did good. Not only did you get to see what was beneath the surface, you got me to fall in love with you. Veronica Cunningham, the heartless bitch, actually can fall in love. Make sure to post it to Facebook! And don’t forget about Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat.”

“Turn around,” Connor begs.

I turn around and find him closer than he was before. I don’t hide the tears that roam freely down my cheeks. “All I wanted was a fairytale. But the villains don’t ever get that, do they?” My voice cracks. I’m not sure if it’s possible, but I hate myself even more in this moment. I’m not even a good villain at this point, I’m just a whiny and insecure girl.

“Just talk to me.” His voice is hoarse, defeated—and I feel his pain straight to my bones. “I love you. I don’t care that you aren’t perfect, I just don’t want you accusing me all the damn time.” Even though the sun is setting, I can see his green eyes under the blond lashes that frame them. I can see the anguish on his face.

It makes my heart hurt, but it makes my needful brain happy. I want to drive him crazy. I want to make him hurt. I want him to prove his love to me.

I can almost feel my heart reaching out for him from inside my chest. I almost get out, hoping he’ll follow me, but I’m stubborn and he’s embarrassed me. Maybe I had overreacted, letting my insecurities get in the way of our relationship, but I won’t admit that.

So, I take one last look at him, capturing the way he looks right now, feeling the itch to paint him.

The despair on his face is beautiful.

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