Page 95 of The Step Don't

26

Colin

Ican’t stopthinking about Ash. That’s nothing new, but normally it’s all happy thoughts—how fun he is or how good he makes me feel. The way his smile could keep me warm on the coldest of days and how good it feels to have him in my arms. The way he makes me laugh and feel like I’m important. How laughing with Ash is better than anything else in the world—okay, maybe tied with how good it feels to fuck him.

But all I can think about now is the way he looked at me when I left. The fear in his eyes that matches the fear that’s lived in my gut, in my chest, and taken over my mind since we got off the Zoom call with Mom.

I’m not supposed to make Ash feel that way.

It’s my job to make him feel better.

I always want to be the person who makes him feel better.

“T, I think your friend is broken.” Atlas pokes at my arm with his finger.

Troy snaps in front of my face. “Hello? Colin? Anyone home?”

“Ha-ha.” I shake my head, then lean back in the chair. We’re at the square table in Atlas’s dining room, the two of them flanking me. Books and laptops are laid out in front of us, but I’m doing a shitty job at studying for finals. Maybe equally as bad as being a boyfriend right now. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?

“Maybe we should call Ash. He’s like a shot of caffeine for Colin anytime he’s in the room,” Troy adds. I know he’s trying to make me smile, but it’s not working. I’m being a mopey idiot and I know it.

“No, don’t call Ash.”

“Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise? Not everyone can be as good together as me and T,” Atlas boasts.

“Don’t be a dick,” Troy playfully scolds his boyfriend, who pumps his brows at him.

“But you think it’s hot.”

“Good point. Do it again,” Troy replies.

I know Atlas isn’t trying to be a jerk and really just wants to distract me or make me smile, but I can’t do it. “Can we get back to me here? I’m freaking out, and the two of you are engaging in some kind of weird foreplay. You look like you’re going to go at it on the table at any minute.”

“Would be a good show,” Atlas says. “Here, let me move some of this stuff first.”

“Not as good as me and Ash.” My heart flutters. “God, I love Ash.” I bang my head against the table a couple of times.

“Um…maybe I should go. I’m not sure how good I would be at this.” Atlas scoots his chair out from the table, but I snap my head up.

“Wait.”

“Fuck. Almost made it.” He sits back down. I know he’s not being serious. This is just how Atlas is.

“What’s going on, Col?” Troy sets his hand on my arm. “You and Ash are perfect for each other. I’m not sure there’s anyone more fitted to be together than you.” Atlas growls. “Other than me and A.”

“That’s better.” Atlas crosses his arms, and okay, I smile. I can’t help it.

“I know we are. Ash is my person. That’s what makes all this so scary.”

Troy’s forehead wrinkles. “What do you mean? You’re not the type to run from a commitment.”

“No. That’s not it at all. I’m not afraid of being serious with him. I’m afraid of losing him.”

I glance back and forth between them, and they’re looking at me like I’m the world’s biggest idiot.

“This might be me being a dick again, but have you seen you and Ash together? Have you seen the way he looks at you? Do you know the way you worship the ground he walks on? I don’t think you’regoing to lose him.”

“What Atlas said, only not as douchey,” Troy adds.

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