Page 20 of The Step Don't

“Yeah, well, then you know how I’m feeling now.”

Ooh, fuck him for being right.

“I don’t understand it,” he says, “but there are other things I haven’t understood about you. I know it’s not the same as something like this, but I didn’t get you being queer; I wasn’t mad at you about it, though.”

“No, I didn’t mean… I don’t know what I meant, Colin. You’re just acting strange.”

“I’m not the one keeping this big secret. We don’t do that. What about our Step Don’ts? We don’t have secrets.”

No, we don’t. It’s a sore spot for both of us because of Mom and Dad, and I’m sure this is digging at him, and I’m the reason he’s hurting.

And it’s killing me.

“I don’t understand why you wouldn’t trust me with this.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Col. It’s just…I didn’t think it was the kind of thing that my brother would want to know about.”

It’s more than that, but I stop there.

“I can wake up in bed naked with you and not have an issue, but you think I would draw the line at knowing you jerk off on camera?”

“Those aren’t the same thing.”

Colin stares off for a moment, and I wait for a reaction before he says, “I think I need to sort through some things.”

“Sort through some things?” Whyam I not understanding any of his reactions?

“I need to get my head around this.”

“Let’s talk about it. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

It’s like he’s unintentionally waterboarding me, and now I’ll confess to anything. Hell, if I could think of another secret I’d kept from him, I’d be out with it right now to end this agony.

Colin nods. “Yeah, I just…need some space.”

“Space?” I ask, like it’s a foreign concept.

He starts for the door.

Colin has never walked out like this before. Hell, I can’t even remember us ever having an actual fight.

Not that this is anything like a fight to normal people, but when the fuck have we been normal?

He heads out, closing the door behind him, leaving me reeling in a big what-the-fuck before he comes back in.

“This is my room,” he says, holding the door open.

This is all so much that I can’t even enjoy the classic Clueless Colin moment as I step out into the hall.

His gaze meets mine, and I see something I don’t recognize there. “I just gotta sort through this, Ash. I’ll be fine.”

As he closes the door, it’s like I’ve been connected to an oxygen concentrator and he just snipped the cord.

The tension that started when he saw the app hasintensified, tight bands constricting my chest as my mind spins out, because my whole reality with Colin has just shifted.

Space?

I’m definitely too codependent for this.

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