Page 19 of The Step Don't

“What about no secrets?” he asks. When I don’t answer, he adds, “Whatever it is, I’m sure you’re being safe, so I guess other than that, it’s none of my business.” He hangs his head. Despite wanting to give me my privacy, it’s clear how much this pains him.

Fuck me. Right in the jugular.

I pull my phone out of my jacket, looking at the black screen, my face warming as I think about the glimpse he got into my dirty secret. This is so fucking embarrassing, but I can’t do this to him. I’d rather endure any amount of humiliation than see him hurt.

“Okay, I’m just gonna say it, since you want to know. Just try to be open-minded.”

His gaze wavers, as though he’s trying to imagine what I could possibly be about to share, but I sincerely doubt he’s gonna figure it out on his own.

So.

Here goes…

“So one of my Grindr dates,” I say, my cheeks burning more and more as I go on, “he showed me this apphe was on called Manzturbate. People can go on there and post amateur videos of themselves for people to comment on. They’re paid in tokens, which convert into cash. And people watch this kind of stuff and—”

Colin chuckles, closing his eyes. “Oh God, Ash.” He breathes a deep sigh of relief, as though he’d been imagining something far worse.

Not the reaction I was expecting.

As he reopens his eyes, he says, “This is what you were so worried about telling me? Seriously?” He rests his hands on my shoulders. “I totally get it, man.”

I hesitate. “You do?”

“Dude, you should see some of the porn I watch. I don’t care that you like finding guys on live video streams.”

Oh… I realize there’s been a little miscommunication.

“Why did you think I would freak out over that?” he asks, and he’s got that beautiful clueless look in his eyes. It’s that lovable Lab who thinks I’m about to throw the ball, not give him a bath.

A part of me wants to let him live with his delusion, but I’ve come too far to stop now. “Colin, I’m one of the people making videos on this app.”

He smirks, eyeing me like he’s waiting for me to say,“Just kidding!”When I don’t, his expression turnsserious. “Huh?”

“I’ve made a few videos for people to watch me do sessions…jerking off.”

His brows shift subtly as he wears a familiar expression—like in high school when I was helping him with precalc. “Oh…” He releases my shoulders and turns away from me, starting toward the bed.

It’s a weird reaction from the guy who, when I came out to him, threw his arms around me and said,“I’ll always love you, no matter who you fuck around with.”

What does he think? Why isn’t he saying anything?

“Colin…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m just…”

“Are you mad that I did this?”

He turns sharply back to me, and again, I see the hurt in his expression. Like my Lab’s coming home with a broken leg. It burns in my fucking chest. The kind of burn that makes me wish I could go back in time and redo this whole conversation, tell him everything the moment he asked.

“You think I’d be mad?”

I’m struggling to read his expression.

I, Ash Fuller, can’t read Colin Phillips’s expression?

The world is coming to an end.

“You’re not talking,” I say. “You’re not telling me what you’re thinking. This is weirding me out.”

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