Page 122 of A Kingdom of Monsters

I felt a new wave of anger. It was offensive somehow, to be praying. To be speaking to imaginary figures and silent gods when this was happening, here and now, and there was nothing any of us could do! I couldn’t understand how he could be so calm when I wanted to rage and scream more, vent my anger on whomever was nearest.

“Come sit,” Bael said.

“Fuck you.”

This time he opened his eyes and looked at me. “Don’t you understand?”

“Understand what? Why you’re acting like nothing has happened?”

His mask of tranquility slipped and he glared at me, the lion pacing behind his eyes. “Don’t you understand what she was doing? What she wanted from us?”

I couldn’t even speak. As far as I could tell Lonnie hadn’t known what she was doing any more than I did now.

Or, perhaps she did. Perhaps she’d aimed to break the curse, but at the cost of her life what was the point?

“There have only ever been two eruptions of the source,” Bael said, his tone maddeningly even. “Once, when Aisling, a person who was defined by her love and goodness lashed out in rage and prayed to punish her enemy. Second, when Lonnie’s mother, who was hateful and angry every second of her life, had a moment of selflessness and prayed to save a life she didn’t believe was worth anything.”

“I don’t have time for this shit,” I demanded.

“Don’t you get it?” His voice rose. “We’re monsters. None of us has ever done anything good in our entire lives just because it was the right thing. We’re selfish, always and we don’t deserve to have the crown because of it. We’re notworthy.”

Ambrose made his way over, and stood behind me. “So what are you expecting us to do?”

I glanced at him over my shoulder. “You’re not buying this shit, are you?”

“The future is…moving,” he said vaguely. “What are you trying to do, Bael?”

“Do something selfless.”

“She’s your mate,” I said. “Wanting her back isn’t selfless. That’s the definition of selfishness.”

“I’m not asking for her back because she’s my mate. I’m asking for her back because she’s worthy. I’m asking the source to send her back forthem.” He pointed vaguely out at the land below the mountain range. “Because she made all of us better and without her to unite it, the kingdom will suffer.”

Beside me, Ambrose fell to his knees like Bael was doing. He closed his eyes and began moving his lips very fast as if he were mouthing the words in his head.

I stood frozen, watching them.

Then, I knelt too, but I couldn't think. Couldn’t get past the rage and disbelief. And even if I could, I didn’t think I could be unselfish. Not when it came to Lonnie.

I’d wanted her since the moment I saw her. I wanted her entire life, in whatever form I could have it. I wanted her attention and admiration. I wanted her body, all her thoughts, and every single sideways glance across the room. I even wanted her hatred and her fear. I’d protect her. Keep her. Consume her…

Nothing about me was selfless, but especially not when it came to her.

I couldn’t pretend to care about strangers because I didn’t. If I was honest with myself, the people of Elsewhere meant nothing to me.

I’d fought for them because I was ordered to.

I’d ruled them because I was born to.

I’d interacted with them only so far as I had to.

I only cared about a few people in the goddamn world, and they were all on this fucking mountain. I even hated half of them.

I opened one eye and looked at my brother whom I’d vehemently hated my entire goddamn life, but who had saved my life when it counted. Who Loved Lonnie as much as I did. Who unlike me at least believed in something, and wanted the world to be better.

And on my other side, was my other brother. Not of blood perhaps, but of choice so many times over I’d lost count. Bael had never wanted to be a king, but now he was because Underneath needed him. He’d done what I couldn’t and focused on the purpose rather than the power.

The only honest thing I could say was that I wanted Lonnie backfor them. Not for everyone, but for my brothers as much as for myself.

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