Page 141 of The Masks She Wore

?My eyes had been locked on Zo for the last two minutes. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, partially due to the distance, but during the session, something had been jostled around in my head. Jack never once punched me. He didn’t go as hard as he could have gone, as he was trained to go. I knew that even before the memories came back.

?Yet it had been enough. It had been plenty.

?“That was Everett,” Zo explained, walking over. “He doesn’t remember you either.”

?None of them would. I didn’t remember seeing anyone except for their six trainers. In fact, for that entire year, I was alone in that building most days, or it had seemed like it. Malachi sent me instructions via letters, which had irritated the shit out of me at the time, but he was a busy guy. He couldn’t be everywhere at once.

?Actually, I suppose there had been one other guy. A man who had come in to watch me from time to time, but he had always stood in dark corners, keeping a hood on. He never said a word to me, never came near me, he had just watched. I had no guess as to who it could have been. Most likely just one of the trainers making sure I followed the rules, I suppose.

?“I need to talk to you about something,” I told her as she took a seat in the chair cattycorner to me.

?She waved me on, clearly tired, but patient. I wondered how she saw me now. Willingly letting myself get tortured just to unlock some memories, to undo what my own father had done to me. I hoped she didn’t pity me. I’d be fine, I just needed to fight a little harder.

?I pulled the blanket closer around me, my muscles stiff and sore. “Earlier when Jack was cleaning me, I said his name. He took it as an advance.” Guilt filled me as I said the words, remembered that moment.

?Zo nodded. “I think Malachi injects them with something. All of those boys have insatiable libidos, but you don’t have to worry about it, okay? He’s a good guy. He’ll give you some time.” She thought about it and shrugged. “Not a lot, but some.”

?I swallowed, searching her eyes, hoping I wouldn’t have to actually say it.

?Her brows furrowed when I didn’t respond. “Was it not an advance?” she finally asked. “You whimpered his name.”

?My cheeks reddened because I truly wasn’t sure what it had been at the time, why it had come out like that. “I don’t fear his touch,” I explained carefully. “It’s not like that. I chose this, chose to be put in that situation, I was fully aware of what…”

?Zo held up a hand, my words trailing off. “You can be fully cognizant of your decisions and still not understand the repercussions of them,” she explained softly. “I’m not going to say it was brave, making that decision. It was smart. Idiotic, but smart. It worked, good for you, but it was also incredibly stupid. Your mind has changed, Rae, not just because you were able to break open the cracks in the programming, but because you were willingly tortured by a man you loved.”

?She straightened, adjusting herself. “You made that decision while you were still, more or less, a civilian with no training, no preparation, no anything other than what Jack put you through in the last two months. Torture alters your mind anyway, no matter the training. During this, you remembered what they put you through, while you were in an identical situation with J. It’s bound to alter your physical responses.”

?I studied her carefully before turning back to my hands, firmly gripped in the blankets. I didn’t want anything to change. I was finally back in my own head. I saw the world clearer now, I understood it better. It was as if I had been underwater for the last year, and I was finally seeing clearly again. “I have spent the last 10 months under someone else’s programming,” I told her, finding her eyes again. “I just want to be fully in control again.”

?“Other than the bedroom?” she asked, a smile touching her lips.

?I released a snort, rolled my eyes, and nodded. “Yeah, other than that.”

?Her smile widened. “Yeah, I get that. Look, none of us, except for Azrael, has ever been through that kind of torture with someone who we didn’t know. We can study and prepare all we want, but it can never be like the real thing. I can’t tell you how to fix whatever is happening in your head, but if you need it, I sent over the numbers of my brothers and sisters. Talk to any of them, but prepare yourself for Azrael, he’s…”

?“I met him,” I reminded her when she didn’t go on. “I’ve heard Jack talk about him, I get it. Thank you,” I said. I just didn’t want to flinch from Jack’s touch. I didn’t want to fear it. I didn’t want to associate him with what my dad had done to me. He and his ‘coworkers’.

?I couldn’t really do much of anything for a while, but I could write. I could record everything I remembered, and while I didn’t remember the details of actually being tortured, I remembered what had happened the night I had been captured and the week after I had been released.

?I could record it all. Make sure I wasn’t missing anything. This would end. All of it. I needed it to end, no matter the cost.

~~~

January 31st, 2020

I jerked awake, sweat soaking through my nightgown, through the sheets, causing my hair to stick to my skin. The world was dark and silent, the sound of my heart and ragged breathing filling the room.

?Fuck.

?I clenched my hands into fists, trying to stop their shaking. I could still hear the sound of the torch. Jack hadn’t used a torch, but they had.

?They had.

?I glanced over, finding him laying on his stomach, hands shoved under his pillow, softly breathing. Calm, unbothered by my sudden bout of terror.

?Very carefully, and with great effort, I pushed the blankets back and forced myself to an unsteady stand.

?I grabbed my phone and limped out of the room and into the living area, sliding a hand over my ribcage. Everything still hurt, but that felt the worst.

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