Page 20 of Love Takes Home

“Me first? That can’t be.”

“That’s the plan. You, then Mom and Dad, and then everyone else.”

“Mom, are you okay with this?” she asks, her eyes filling with fresh tears.

“I’m just fine, sweetheart. You deserve this.”

Ginny nods and quietly follows Davis out of the waiting room. Mrs. Mills watches her children leave before burying her head into Mr. Mills’s chest and sobbing. Lottie has a sad smile on her face, Elle a knowing look on hers.

And I realize Trish and Davis have just given Ginny the closest thing they can to letting her experience the first few moments of a new baby.

Fuck. I’m getting emotional, too.

Chapter 7

Ginny

Journal Entry

June 20

Mom has decided Ineed to start journaling. That it will help me process my feelings. The only one having a hard time processing is every gossiping biddy in this fucking town. But if it’ll make her feel better, I’ll give this a go.

I usually love summers. They are what teachers look forward to all year, after all. Sleeping in, wearing pajamas all day if wewant, nothing to grade. It’s wonderful. This summer? Fucking sucks. Well, not totally, but yeah. Yes, I’ve spent most of my days holding the sweetest little boy who ever lived and being the best aunt ever. But when the day is over and Trish kicks me out, it’s back to my childhood home and my small bedroom with the bathroom that’s all the way down the hall and the tiny closet that only a third of my clothes can fit into. We won’t mention the fact that there’s still two separate levels of hanging space all at kid levels, so none of my dresses or tunics can hang in the damn thing. And is this where I mention the newly demanded ‘family time’? Where I have to report to the living room at exactly eight every night to watch TV with my parents. Do I get to pick the show? No. Am I allowed to read on my phone while they watch? No. They keep waiting for an epic meltdown, and I really am sorry to disappoint them, but I had it, they missed it, and I’m surviving.

Of course, I do this by sneaking out of the house and going to Zach’s where Davis lets me hang out in the corner and Joker almost always shows up to keep me company and keep others away. When he’s not there, Ranger and Elle often take their places beside me. My friends are the only reason I can say I’m surviving.

July 8

I no longer go to the store unless I absolutely have to. I’ve started driving over to Rockton because they have the fancy pick-up service that hasn’t quite made it to us yet, and quite honestly, the gossips that keep waiting for me to buy tampons are going to wait a lifetime. I don’t need those—ever. Also, I don’t take Aaron out for walks anymore. Did you know whenyou’re having a conversation with someone on the phone and you are talking about someone else that conversation carries when you leave your fucking window open? Yeah. I didn’t either until this summer. It’s when you hear how horrible of a person you are. That they just can’t believe you would do something like this to someone so nice and how it’s all your fault he’s suffering so much. That they can’t believe how he put up with ‘someone like you’ for so long. That you must have been in it long enough to get his money because you’re a money-grubbing gold digger. Do they ever ask what he might have done wrong to warrant that reaction? No. I’ve been judged, juried, and executed by the same people who used to buy cookies from me every January. The best part is that everyone has found me guilty. Half because they think I had a secret lover and was cheating on him. The other think I’m a lesbian. Of course, if I was a lesbian, I’d be judged for that, too. Can’t win at all.

But I still sneak out to Zach’s. So far, Mom and Dad haven’t caught me. Mom has been paying extra close attention. Like she still thinks I’m going to break. Or she’s overly worried about something. She won’t tell me what that is, of course. I’m too fragile for that in her eyes. Have been since they brought me home from New York. Anyway, Joker was so funny tonight, playing pranks on Davis all night. It might have been wrong to laugh given Davis is a new dad, and he’s beyond tired, but I couldn’t help it. Joker in a playful mood is something we don’t see very often. And I’m happy he showed it when I was there.

July 15

Mom came home today so pissed off, I almost laughed. Shenever gets pissed like this. Said she heard that I walked out on my wedding because I was just a spoiled little rich girl who was never going to find happiness because I’m a gold digger. That one seems to be a favorite, and yes, I am also confused. Also, that if I just settle down—with anybody, it seems—and start popping out those babies, all of this would go away. Of course, I’d have to disappear after to have a tummy tuck because as you know, babies make you spread, and I’m already spread. Fuckers. The other day she told me that she almost screamed at the woman that I can’t have babies, but decided it’s not worth it. I told her then they’d talk about how I wasn’t a whole woman anymore, and I’ll only be good enough to be the town whore. Which is what they all want deep down. Little do they know there isn’t a dick in this town that wants me. Only one I wish did.

Also, can you explain how I can be both a money- grubbing gold digger and a spoiled rich girl? Me neither. But here we are. I told Joker about it at Zach’s tonight, when I might have drank a little too much. So far, I haven’t been drinking anything other than water or Diet Coke, but after Mom being so upset, and the constant checking on me, well, I fucking wanted one. And since I am a closer to thirty than twenty-year-old woman, I had one. Joker insisted on driving me home and I got to ride on the back of his bike. Holy hell, I was turned on. I don’t ever remember being that hot over a guy. I’m not really wired that way, I don’t think. But he told me to hold on tight, and then pulled me against him and wrapped my arms around his waist, and I thought I was going to combust right there. Had to relieve that issue when I snuck back in the house. But I swear, I could see the curtain in Dad’s office move when we pulled up. How embarrassing it would be if he caught me sneaking in and out. He’d probably try to ground me. Ugh. I need a new life.

July 20

I’ve already had a couple of parents request their children not be in my class this year. They’re dropping orchestra completely. Because of me. I’ve had a few send me direct emails telling me exactly why they’re pulling their sweet baby boys and baby girls out of my class. Because I’m now a bad influence. I sometimes wonder if I really want to be an influence of any kind anymore. I still remember the days that I was able to travel the country playing cello. They said I was something special, that I had real talent and lifelong potential. And when I disappeared, they talked about where I was and what happened to me. So much of what happened in my life can be traced back to one night that derailed Trish, Davis, and me. Because of that night, I went to Julliard. I was attacked. I lost my uterus. I can’t have kids. I’m only capable of being in abusive relationships. I lost my will to travel or leave town for extended periods. I don’t know how to be assertive anymore. That fear that someone is going to come at me with a knife never really goes away. So, I’ll stay here. Someone else will do something soon and they’ll move on from me. That’s how it goes, right? I just have to survive it all until then.

I don’t think I can survive it. I didn’t make it farther than the corner tonight. I was supposed to meet Joker at the bar again, but that didn’t happen. Someone called me names from their car as they drove by, and I couldn’t go. I turned right around and went back home. This life sucks.

August 1

I’m having nightmares again. I had them for months after New York, waking up screaming, clutching my stomach, sobbing without knowing why. Now I’m running through the dark in that horrible wedding dress. I have to save the kids, I have to save Lottie, I have to save Elle. And I fail. Every fucking time. I can’t get to them because the weight of the dress is too much. It’s so much worse now, because on the sideline is Keith, sneering at me, calling me names, telling me if I don’t shape up and act right, he’s going to make me. At least I’m not screaming out loud this time. Just waking up with what feels like a full adrenaline dump. I can’t move, I can’t scream. All I can do is silently cry until I pass out again, just for it to start all over.

August 10

Tonight’s nightmare included Colby. Colby was the guy I dated when I was in New York. He came to see me once in the hospital, right after I got out of surgery. His only reaction was to roll his eyes and make a weight comment. “Guess it’s a good thing you’re fat. Prolly be dead if not, huh?” Then he laughed at his own ‘joke’ and left. Never saw him again. Heard he went through my dorm room, taking things he liked and saying they were his. That was the first and only comment he ever made about my weight. But it was enough. After that, the thought of being in front of a crowd of people turned my stomach. Mademe physically ill. What if they thought the same thing? What if they judged me for it? Somehow blamed me? Found me lacking.

Of course, Mom and Dad swooped in as soon as they could and brought me home. I completed my college degree mostly online, only going to campus when I had to, and one of them would go with me every time or Davis would pick me up and stay with me. When I could, I went to see Trish in Briar Mountain. She loved it there. I fell in love with the place. It was this cute little town on the other side of the range. There was this diner there, and oh, I loved it. They had the best waffles. Wonder if she’d like to go for a visit soon? I know she still talks to her old boss. I told Joker about it when we were at the cabin. He said he knew the place and loved their burgers. Wonder if he’d like to go with us?

August 20

Morning—It’s time to get back to the grind. I’m supposed to report to start setting up my room. School starts next week. I haven’t seen Keith face-to-face. Of course, I’d have to go somewhere for that to happen. But none of my people have. I don’t know where he’s been all summer. It’s not my problem anymore. I just hope that he remains a disappearing act when I have to be in the building and he avoids me as much as I want to avoid him. Wishful thinking, or what? I just hope he’s not there today.

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