Page 79 of Love Finds Home

“Nope. So, might as well rip the Band-Aid off and get it out.”

I adjust myself to hold her closer. Maybe she can be my talisman while I get this out.

“I came home when I found out Vanessa was pregnant. I already told you about that night and the wreck after.”

“Uh-huh.” She nods her head.

“While I was in the hospital, my team went out on a mission. Allen—Daniel, Joker, Closky were my core team. Roadside bomb went off, almost killed Daniel. Joker suffered a broken arm and some cracked ribs, but nothing all of us haven’t experienced before. Daniel was really hurt. Burned on over a quarter of his body. They didn’t think he’d walk again.”

“And how is that your fault?”

“How did you…nevermind. You know everything.”

“Glad you acknowledge that so early in our relationship. It’ll make your life so much easier.”

I shake my head, pausing to tip her chin and kiss her softly. “Do you want to hear this or not?”

“Shutting up. Please, continue.”

“My men went on a mission without me. One that I should have been there for and they got hurt. They could have died, and I wasn’t there.”

“But if you’d have been there, you could have been hurt, Jonathan. You could have been killed.”

“I should have been instead of Daniel,” I whisper my deepest regret. That he got hurt instead of me. “He took point because Iwasn’t there. I was supposed to be there, I was supposed to be point. It should have been me.”

“Oh, no. You can’t think like that. All it does it eat you up inside, killing you slowly.”

Like she didn’t just say anything, I continue. “And while my men are being treated in an emergency tent in the middle of nowhere before they were stable enough to get out of that area and to Germany, I was in a hospital going in and out of consciousness, having a code called on me twice, hearing my mother tell Vanessa that if I were dead, they’d be entitled to everything I own, and wouldn’t that be better to start her new family with Jeremy with. My own mother. My brother. My wife. My men. I lost them all in the blink of an eye.”

I don’t realize I’m crying until Elle is kissing my cheeks and wiping the tears away. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all away, make it all better.

“And now they’re back looking for more money and they know about you and I’m terrified what they are going to do now.”

“Hush,” she whispers, running her fingers through my hair. “They aren’t going to do anything to me.”

“You don’t know that. What if…what if they were the ones responsible for your studio and they did it because of me. I’m no good, Elle. You should cut your losses and learn that now before you’re in too deep. I’m nothing more than a grumpy old asshole.”

“Shut. Up,” she sternly tells me, sitting up in bed and facing me fully. “You talked, and now you listen.”

“You know I’m—”

“Nope,” she cuts me off, placing her fingers over my lips. “You do not get to dictate my feelings and emotions. You are going to listen to me. You think you’re an asshole, but I see you as little more than grumpy most days. A better sleep schedule would cure you of that, you know?” She smiles. Smartass. “You’ve been shit on your entire life. Bad parents, wretched ex-wife, spoiledshit of a brother. But you walked out of that environment a better man than they could ever see. Because they didn’t want to. You built your own life. You created afamilythat you would drop everything for to help at anytime—day or night. You almostdiedand all you care about is that one of your men got hurt and you weren’t there to help. Jonathan! You are an amazing human being. A friend anyone would kill to have. The loyalty you have to those you deem worthy? It’s unmatched.”

“You think too much of me,” I try to tell her, but she’s shaking her head before I’m done.

“I don’t. I see your flaws. You hate laundry. The milk in your fridge is probably a week out of date. You grumble about ‘the girls’, but I’ve watched you drop everything to help Trish when Davis was doing something with the kids. I’ve watched you play with Nat. And let me tell you about ovary overload on that one, mister. You have conversations with Harper about the books she’s currently reading and with Ginny on how her students are doing this year. You call me an observer, but you’re just as observant, finding the little ways you can help all of your new family. And they return the kindness to you. That’s what family is. Blood doesn’t mean shit when you’ve surrounded yourself with the best of the best. And Daniel? He misses you. He thought you werehisbrother.”

“I’ve tried.”

“Have you?”

“Yeah. I’ve done all his ink work and even went and did some on his wife and her family.”

“And did you talk to him when you did it?”

“No.” I shake my head. “Not much.”

She sighs. “Jonathan. You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for. Be his friend. I promise you he doesn’t blame you for what happened, so you shouldn’t blame yourself.” I open my mouth, but she covers it again. “And before you say easiersaid than done, I know. Okay? I do. But you have to find a way to forgive yourself the things you had no control over. Or you’ll never really be able to move forward with your life. You’ll always be stuck in the same place, playing the asshole. That has to be exhausting, isn’t it?”

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