Page 67 of Love Finds Home

“You have to face it head on.”

“I don’t think I can do it again.”

“That’s a decision only you can make. But I have a question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“What do you feel when I say Vanessa?”

My body braces for the nausea that usually happens when people mention her name. The anger that rises immediately. The fists my hands make involuntarily. The ringing in my ears and sweat on my back.

And I have none of it.

“Huh,” I grunt.

“What?”

“I don’t feel…anything.” I look around the room. Yeah, I’m still sitting on the bed. Nothing’s changed. “Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I have absolutely zero feelings when you say her name.” I laugh. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means, my friend, you’re on the mend. There’s a fine line between love and hate. If you still have it in you to hate her, you’re still expending a lot of fucking energy on an emotion she doesn’t deserve.”

“So if it’s not hate, what is it?”

“Apathy. Pure, unadulterated apathy. You don’t care. What she does or doesn’t do no longer impacts you, your life, or your daily plans. She’s now just a person from your past. And that’s where she gets to stay now. In your past.”

“I like the thought of that. Think my family will stay there, too?”

“You know you have to face that eventually, right?”

“I have faced it. My family chose them over me. What’s there to face? I made a new family.”

“Is it really that simple?” he gently asks, knowing I’m full of shit.

“It is for me.”

We end the conversation after that and I realize Elle’s been in the bathroom with the shower going for a really long time. Getting up, I cross over into her room and realize she’s not in the shower. The bathroom door is wide open, and the light is off. How the fuck did I miss that? I look around and find her curled up on the couch, her arms around her knees, head leaning on the back of the couch, eye closed, asleep.

That will never work. I kneel in front of her and brush her hair off her head. I need to move her to the bed and tuck her in for the night, but being able to watch her in slumber, with no one questioning me? I’m going to take a minute.

“Oh, Tink. What am I going to do with you?” I mutter to myself, unable to pull my eyes away.

Shaking my head, I stand and pick her up, holding her to me. She doesn’t react other than to curl into my body. The bed has been turned down for the night, so I place her on the mattressand cover her up. She shivers when I let her go, rolling to her side.

I run back and grab my boxers and as I’m returning, I hear her.

“Ranger?” she slurs in her sleep.

“I’m here, Tink.”

“Stay?” She reaches one hand to me.

I sit on the edge of the bed and clasp her hand. “I’m going to jump in the shower. In here, okay? I’ll just be a minute.”

“Okay,” she sighs, squeezing my hand before falling limp and asleep again.

I get off the bed and go into the bathroom, turning the water on and stripping out of my clothes. I hear my phone ring as I step under the water, but ignore it. They can wait until tomorrow. Washing the day away helps me relax, but it gives me too much time to think. To think about what I want, what I have to change about myself to get it, and if I’m really the man who can do that.

My phone is still ringing when I step out of the shower and I grab it and answer without looking at the screen.

---