Page 88 of Tangled Up In You

"Being conflicted between what I want to do and what I should do." He looked into her eyes. "Logically, I know we won't get hurt if we go in the water. I'm being too careful, and I really want to feel fearless again."

"Adam, you are fearless. You threw yourself in front of a car to save a child's life."

"That was different. That was on the job. I can do anything on the job. I can also risk my own life without thinking twice. It's yours, Molly. I don't want to risk your life or the life of anyone I care about."

"That's a heavy burden to carry, Adam. You can't prevent other people from getting hurt. You don't have that power. No one does. You can play it safe and be careful and maybe that will work, or maybe it won't," she said.

He gave her a warning look. "Don’t try to tell me things happen for a reason. I hate when people say that. I don't think there was any reason for Gina to die."

"I wasn't going to say that. If there is a reason, I don't think we have the capability to understand it. So, it doesn't comfort me when people say that, either. It was my mom's favorite saying. Every time we moved, or we had to change something, she said, 'Everything happens for a reason, Molly. It will all make sense one day.' I don't think any of it has ever made sense."

"I feel the same way," he said, surprised they were on the same page.

"See, we do agree on something," she said lightly.

He gave her a small smile. "We do. And your mother sounds like a piece of work."

"A work in progress is what she always says." She paused. "I ran into Neil again at my sidewalk sale. We talked this time. He told me that he asked my mother to marry him, and she said no. That is not the story I heard. She always said he broke her heart, that he didn't want to get married, didn't want to be a stepfather, and that's why we had to leave. She couldn't stand seeing him anymore. But she lied to me. That wasn't the reason at all."

"Are you sure she was the liar? Maybe Neil—"

She cut him off with an emphatic shake of her head. "No. It was my mom who lied. I wanted to think it was Neil, but he was very convincing. And the thing is—his version makes so much more sense than hers ever did. It just makes me angry because I really liked it here. I had the best friends I'd ever had. I had Phoebe, who was my mentor and my friend, and I had an entire town of warm-hearted people who cared about each other. I lost all that when we left and went to New Orleans. But I was doing it for my mom. I wanted her to feel better. She didn't think about my feelings. And that has really been the pattern of our life. I don't think I've seen it as clearly as I do now."

"I'm sorry you got dragged around as a kid. That must have been difficult."

"I tried to make the most of it. She drilled into me the idea that every change was an opportunity for something wonderful to happen, so I embraced whatever we were doing, wherever we were. But sometimes, late at night, when it was dark, and I felt alone, it didn't feel wonderful; it just felt lonely."

"Maybe it's time to stay somewhere."

"Sometimes I think that I should stay here. But then I wonder if I'm built to stay anywhere. I did like some of our moves. It was fun to live in different places. I have an adventurous spirit like my mom does. Maybe I couldn't stay even if I tried. I've moved three times in my twenties, and they were good moves. I got to live in Boston, Las Vegas, and then San Francisco. I had experiences I wouldn't have had if I'd stayed in one place." She paused. "I don't know. I'm rambling on. I want it all. I want to have people in my life, but I also want the adventure. I don't know if I can have everything. If my mother is any example, it doesn't seem like I can."

"You need to separate yourself from your mother."

"She used to say that you can't fly if you have roots. You have to choose one or the other."

He didn't want her to choose to fly away from him. He wanted her to pick roots, but he could hear the indecision in her voice, and the yearning. That poked at him, awoke some of his old yearnings, ones he'd buried a long time ago when he'd chosen not just roots but to play life as safely as he could and avoid all chance of pain. He'd given up on having it all.

"I'm sorry, Adam," Molly said. "I'm bumming you out on your birthday. Let's talk about something else."

"I don't think we should talk at all," he said decisively.

"Oh, okay. I can drive you home."

He put a hand on her thigh as she started to get up. "I don't want to talk, and I don't want to go home."

She licked her lips. "Uh, well, it's kind of rocky here, so I'm not sure what you think we're going to do…"

He smiled. "I wasn't thinking that, but I like where your brain is going."

"Then what are you thinking? Tell me. Because I clearly cannot figure you out."

"I want to go skinny-dipping," he said, making a sudden decision.

She gave him a wary look. "You just told me you didn't. It's dark. It's dangerous. It's a bad idea."

"I changed my mind. I don't want all the adventures to be over, either." He grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head.

"Oh, wow," she said, her gaze running down his chest. "You're really going into the water?"

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