Page 45 of Critical Doubt

"The bells are receding," he said.

"Good."

He let out another sigh. "I don't want to talk about it, Savannah."

"I get it, but just tell me, is there anything else you need right now?"

"No. Let's go to the park." He glanced at his watch. "It's five thirty. How far away is it?"

"About fifteen minutes," she said, setting her GPS. "But before we go, take another look at the envelope we found in Todd's locker."

"I don't know if I want to look at it. It didn't go well the first time. It triggered the bells."

"Then I'll just tell you what I noticed. The envelope is addressed to Todd's mother at the facility in Florida. I don't think he left it in his locker as a suicide note. I think he was sending her his medals, but he didn't get a chance to do that."

"Based on the address?"

"Yes. And because if he'd wanted to leave a note telling people what he'd done, he would have left it at his house, not here."

"Why would he send her his medals now?"

"Maybe he thought they would trigger a memory for her. His dad was in the army, right? Perhaps that was part of it."

"His dad never got a medal," Ryker murmured, a new light in his eyes as he looked at her. "Todd was very angry about that. There were two instances where he felt his father had deserved to be honored, but for one reason or another, he didn't receive a medal."

"That makes me even more positive that the medals going to his mother are separate from whatever else is going on. How did he get these medals?"

"The Medal of Valor was from the ambush. The Purple Heart was awarded a few years back. He was shot in the leg, but he was able to recover and return to service."

"How many medals do you have?"

"A few. They don't mean anything to me. I never did the job for a piece of hardware, that's for sure."

She believed that. Ryker wasn't about awards or recognition. His drive came from within, and she hoped that same drive would help him get better.

As she maneuvered through traffic, she felt on edge. It was Tuesday night, and the commute was in full swing. She winced every time there was a horn or a loud muffler or even a car blasting music, hoping none of those sounds would trigger another episode for Ryker. But his body tension eased with each passing minute, and he seemed to be back to normal.

"You don't have to worry about me, Savannah," he said, breaking the silence. "The attacks rarely come back-to-back. I'm probably good for at least another hour."

There was a lighter note in his voice that she was more than happy to hear. "I'm not worrying; I'm just concerned. Can I ask you what happens when the bells ring, when you close your eyes? Does tuning out the world help?"

"It's a trade-off. When I close my eyes, the sounds get softer, but the lights get brighter. All different colors shoot out at me like someone is hitting me with a laser. The lights are so blinding it's painful, but when I open my eyes, the bells get louder, so I have to choose between the sounds or the lights. Usually the lights go away faster than the sounds."

"It's like your brain short-circuits."

"That's the way it feels."

"You felt it come on when you saw what you thought was a suicide note. Was that the trigger?"

"I don't know, probably. I could feel my stress level rising when we walked into the locker room." He shook his head, an angry gleam in his eyes. "It drives me crazy, Savannah. This is not the man I used to be. Before the ambush, I could always control my stress. I could lower my breathing to barely a whisper. I could drop my blood pressure to the lowest numbers imaginable. I could beat a lie detector test with the force of my mind, but now my brain has gone haywire. It has become my enemy. And it's an enemy I don't know how to beat."

She didn't know what to say. She felt his pain down deep in her soul. That's how attuned they were. And it was that feeling of connection that scared her more than his words. She forced her gaze back to the traffic, trying to distract herself.

For a few moments, there was silence, and then Ryker said, "What do you think this meeting is about?"

She was relieved with the change of subject. "Someone wants to talk about Todd out of earshot of Carmack Securities."

"Which probably isn't Colton Carmack."

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