Page 50 of What is Lost

Those not crippled by the virus were overworked, overtired, stressed almost beyond endurance. No one had bothered figuring out where troops could rest and catch some relief from the heat and clamor. Many slept—collapsed, really—on concrete floors or sacked out on a piece of cardboard or plastic laid on the ground.

Theemotionaltoll on the soldiers was huge, but no one wanted to talk about that. No one in command wanted to hear about the agony of having to turn away families without the proper papers. Of listening to young women pleading to be rescued so they’d be safe from Taliban who’d raped them before and would almost surely murder them if the Americans left them behind. The sight of a son pushing a wheelbarrow in which his elderly father sat because the man was crippled or blind…well, soldier, we know this is hard, but you need to toughen up, not let this get to you.

But, of course, all this did get to you. Because there was guilt, too. You had the luxury of knowing you could leave without a backward glance. A soldier would have to be made of stone not to feel a little guilty about that.

John thought that was why, in the end, Roni did what she did.

He was just dozingoff when he felt a pressure on his chest and then a whisper brushing his left ear. “You awake?”

“Unh?”Swallowing, he said, eyes still closed, “Sort of.”

“Can we talk for a few minutes?”

“Roni.” Clearing his throat, he cracked his lids the way a person might part blinds with a finger just the tiniest bit. “Honey, I havegotto sleep. We’re on in four hours. Kind of burning the proverbial candle at both ends.” An understatement. After talking with their CO, he and the other officers were taking turns: swapping out their quarters in rotation with troops in need of A/C, rest, running water, a hot shower. This also meant that he and Roni often spent much of the time they could steal actually sleeping.

“This is important, John.” She propped her head on an elbow. “It’s about you and me. Us, I guess.”

Thatgot his attention. He rolled onto his side, so they faced one another. The room was thick with shadows. The a/c puffed cooled, slightly mildewed air in a short whirr. A sliver of light from the bathroom, which he always left open a crack, sliced across the floor. “What is it you want to talk about? Us?This?”

“In a way.”

“How many different ways are there?” He laid his right hand on her left hip. “This isn’t just a fling. I don’t want to go back to beingjustfriends. Go ahead and put in the air quotes, but I’m serious.” His throat thickened with emotion. “Roni, for me, this...us...we’re forever.”

“I know,” she said, her voice suddenly small.

He waited for her to go on, his own heart hammering. When she didn’t, he said, “And? But?” He pulled his hand back. “What is it? Is there someone...” He let that die because who else could there be?

Who else…but Driver?

And then, close on its heels, a different and altogether unwelcome thought, one that made his skin prickle with new rage and fresh hurt:She sees him, and then she comes to your bed.

“Yes, there is something else, but not in the way, you think,” she said.

“Oh?” God, it seemed to take all his concentration to make the simplest sound. He sat up andtwitched the sheet over his nakedness with an abrupt gesture.She’s using me?His heart gave his ribs a painful kick and then that imp, the one who lived in a back closet of his mind, snickered and whispered,You chump, she used you. She came with an agenda. She gives you sex, and you fell for it, you loser.

“Now you’re a mind-reader?” His words were a lash and, even in the semi-dark, he saw her flinch.Good. Let her hurt.“And just what do youthinkI believe?”

“I’m not thinking what you are.” She pushed to a sit. Unlike John, she let the sheet puddle around her waist and made no move to cover her nakedness. “I haven’t been using you, John.”

Eerie, how she knew that. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Oh. This is as real for me as you, but...” She paused.

“But?” He bit off each word. “Butwhat? This is about Driver, isn’t it? After all, isn’t that where you go, where you sneak off to? Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“And don’t think I’venotnoticed you following.” Her voice was almost maddeningly calm. “How many times?”

“How many times what? That I followed you after you snuck out?” He was suddenly very tired of this. “Four. I might have gone more, but then I already knew where you were going. Following you after that would’ve been pure masochism.”

“Did you notice anything out of the ordinary?”

“Likewhat?”

“Think back over those four times you saw me leave or come back.”

“What is this, twenty questions? Just come out with it, Roni.”

“I am, but I’m also not going to make this into a fight.”

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