Page 59 of Protecting the Flame

“Brainy?” Mattie said it as if the word tasted bad. “Advanced?”

“Well, you have to admit that Charlotte’s Web isn’t exactly a quantum cat.”

“I know.” Mattie studied her fingers. “Mom says it’s too baby, but I bet if I had a favorite teddy bear or old doll, she wouldn’t be so…so negative. Some people have security blankets and stuffed animals. I have a book. What’s so wrong with that?”

“Nothing?” She’d never heard of anyone ever having a security bookbut so what? It was the story behind the teddy bear or blanket or whatever that mattered.

“Exactly. My mom thinks I ought to be reading all these classics and stuff, and I do, but some of them aren’t so great. Did you know she was going to name me after Amelia in Vanity Fair? I’m so glad my real dad talked her out of it. I mean, Amelia’s such a dork.”

Not her favorite character either. She’d always been partial to Becky Sharp. Now, there was a woman who did things. As she remembered it, her high school English teacher said Thackery fell in love with the character a little too much himself. It’s why there’s that abrupt turnaround from admiring her pluck to deciding she’s a snake in the Garden of Eden. “I didn’t read that book until high school.”

“My mom’s always doing that, getting me to read classics, like books are a kind of medicine, something someone’s decided is good for you, and so you have to read them even if they’re stupid and don’t have anything to do with life now and God, Amelia!” Mattie rolled her eyes. “She doesn’t doanything except fall in love with the wrong guy who doesn’t love her, only then George gets killed, but she’s pregnant and then she’s this noble widow-type, hanging onto the image of this perfect guy, except George was a complete jerk! Yeah, it turns out okay in the end because Dobbins has loved her all along and waited for her to get over George.”

“So, why is Charlotte’s Web contraband?”

“I told you. She’s thinks it’s for babies, but that’s ridiculous. That’s like saying Watership Down isn’t a great novel because it’s about rabbits. I think Charlotte is, you know, it’s really deep in a way my mom can’t let herself see.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s all about death, really. From the very first, right? Fern saves Wilbur from getting killed because he’s different and a burden? The whole book is like that because what it’s really about is what happens when you figure out your family’s not forever. Like, you know, your mom’s going to die.” She paused. “Or your dad. I always cry when I get to the part where Charlotte dies all alone. It’s so sad.”

“Me, too.” Her sister’s kids were so worried when she couldn’t stop bawling, they’d called for their mom. On the other hand, Ben was only three months in his grave at the time, so maybe she was entitled to a little nervous breakdown now and then. “Your mom doesn’t want you to cry?”

“She can’t stand it when I do. I think that’s what gets to my mom the most. She thinks the book is…she called it my way of always picking open the scab.”

“About your dad?” When Mattie nodded, she asked, “What happened to your dad?”

“He was a cop, and he got shot.”

“Oh?” Her chest tightened with a sudden clutch of dread. “How did that happen?”

“It happened because Scott’s a jerk. He was my dad’s partner.” Mattie’s face hardened. “Drugs.”

“They were undercover.” Like her Ben. “Why was Scott a jerk?” She already thought she knew, though.

“He got to like it too much. When you’re a cop, you’re not supposed to use or anything, but I guess they do. They get trapped into it, you know? They have to prove themselves. Dad said that once. He and Mom were in the kitchen. They thought I was asleep. Mom was asking him what was wrong, and Dad was, like, I think I can’t go so deep anymore, it’s messing me up.”

“Did you understand what he meant?”

Mattie gave her a duh look. “He was having to be an actor in a play, but he could never walk off the stage for very long. He was never out of costume. You know he got tattoos? On his back.” Mattie pointed to a spot at the small of her own. “A spider and then barbed wire up here.” She touched a biceps. “And other stuff, a skull and a knife. Not a ton of tattoos, but he never had them before. I didn’t like them, but he said they were like makeup. Only tattoos are forever, pretty much. Makeup, at least, you take off. I think that’s what happened with Scott. He got so it wasn’t makeup with him anymore. It was everything. I don’t know the whole story because they think I’m only a stupid little kid. Like I don’t have ears and can’t think and haven’t been reading books on my own since I was four. All Mom said was Scott got into trouble and then Dad tried to get him out only when all the shooting started, it was my dad who got killed and not Scott.” Her eyes watered. “Like Charlotte, except he died all alone on a basement floor instead of an empty barn.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Everyone’s always sorry.” Mattie’s features knotted as if she’d tasted something sour. “Mom says Scott still feels guilty. Well, he should. He got my dad killed, and he got kicked out of the cops, and he’s lucky he’s not in jail because he should be. I don’t see why feeling sorry for somebody means you have to marry him either. You know what it’s like to get up every morning, and there’s the jerk who got your dad shot walking around in his bare feet and having cereal? He’s got hair on his toes. It’s disgusting. I think Mom is sorry they got married.”

“Why did they?”

“On account of her getting pregnant with Joshua. I don’t understand why she did that.”

Oh, she could. “Maybe being with Scott was a way for her to still be with your dad.”

“That’s what Grampa says. He says I should be understanding. But why should I have to? Why can’t the grown-ups act like grown-ups? And now I’m going to have a little brother who should’ve been my brother from my real dad. They’re even using the name my real dad wanted for when they had their next kid. Only now Joshua will be half Scott,and Scott’s who caused all the trouble in the first place. It’s not fair. It’s not as if Mom couldn’t get…you know…not have it while there was still time not to.” Her face contorted with sudden ferocity. “It’s not like she would have killed a real baby. Back then, when there was time, it was only a bunch of cells.”

“Uh…” She swallowed. “How much do you—”

“I’m twelve, not two. I know all about it,” Mattie interrupted irritably. “Mom and Dad told me where babies come from when I was five on account of Mom used to go on marches for women’s rights and everything. But she gets pregnant and it’s like all that went away, and do you know that disgusting that is? That my mom and Scott made a baby? It’s gross. But now it’s too late to do anything, and I’m going to have a brother, and I have to move and leave all my friends because of Scott and my mom. Nobody asked me. It’s not right. Fine, mess up your own lives, but why do you get to mess up mine?”

“Because sometimes adults are stupid. They think they know how they’ll act if something happens only, when it does, all of a sudden, it’s different. It’s not a thought experiment like Schrödinger’s cat. You know what I’m saying?” At the girl’s look, she gave a wry smile. “Yeah, yeah, you’re twelve, not two. But reality can be different than imagination and something that’s not happened yet. Your mom opened the box and, all of a sudden, it wasn’t a choice for her anymore. Maybe your mom would’ve gotten an abortion if your dad hadn’t died the way he did. In a funny way, she might even believe that Joshua is your dad’s because he wanted that.”

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