Page 13 of My Favorite Sin

The argument that took place between me and Dan last night at dinner plays on my mind, about me throwing away my dreams of studying the piano at Juilliard. My anxiety of auditions is definitely a deterrent. The panic attacks started when I was a kid and lived through the violence that Mom’s boyfriend brought into our home. He never touched me, but I witnessed a lot of physical abuse against my mother.

I learned from my childhood therapist that I’m triggered by stressful environments where I feel trapped and have a loss of control. In my senior year of high school, I auditioned for Juilliard and couldn’t get through my performance without seizing up.

Juilliard is a dream I’m sad to give up on, but it’s not just auditioning that’s standing in my way anymore. The truth is, I don’t think I’m cut out for Juilliard. Though I was studying alongside college students at the Conservatoire, the course I completed wasn’t a degree. It was a preparatory year for students who have promising potential and was an eye-opening experience, emphasizing how I’m a small fish in a big pond.

My studies in Paris were taxing and pushed some real-world sense into me. Teaching is a safer option. Yes, I could work on my fear of auditioning and rejection, but I don’t see the point when barely any college graduates go on to be successful musicians.

I follow Killian’s lead as he moves into the aisle of the auditorium. Anyone would think I’d be at ease entering a new job where I already have an established relationship with one colleague. Perhaps Killian’s presence does help a little, but I still feel out of sorts. Everywhere I look, staff are at least twenty years my senior. They all have an expression on their faces as though they’re frustrated and stressed, and like anything I say to them will be a burden.

This is the first job I’ve ever had, and I feel so inexperienced. Even appearance wise, I look too young to be teaching here when I could pass for a student myself. I don’t possess the authoritative nature that all teachers should have. There’s no way I can control a bunch of students, which makes me nervous for the extra-curricular orchestras I’ll be conducting. Thankfully, the majority ofmy role at Sacred Heart is to teach one-on-one piano lessons.

But the icing on the top of the cake—what makes me feel like even more of a child—is that Mom insisted on driving me to work this morning, like it was my first day of school and she was proud of her big girl. I don’t have my driver’s license. Mom and Josh said they’ll organize a car service to deliver me to and from work each day, but I’d rather just walk.

“Hey, you didn’t meet me for that morning jog we planned,” Killian says.

“Sorry, it slipped my mind. I didn’t get any sleep last night. You know, stressing over my first day here.”

“No worries. You think you’ll be up for tomorrow morning?”

“Yeah, tomorrow should be fine,” I tell Killian, even though waking up at five a.m. every weekday to go jogging on the beach isn’t my idea of fun. But I made a promise to be his jogging partner and I’ll keep it.

He’s only one year older than Dan, so we get along well. I get along well with Felix and Tyler, too, but they’d already moved out of home by the time Mom and Josh started dating, so I haven’t spent as much time with them.

“Hey, Killian,” a feminine voice calls out over the hum of staff greeting each other after their summer break.

I turn in the voice’s direction, finding the only other young person in this auditorium. She wears a nice smile on her face and looks to be in her early twenties. She’s slender, with brown hair in a tight bun, a black pencil skirt, white blouse, and heels.

“Violet, hey.” Killian greets her with a hug. “Ally, this is one of the dance teachers. You two will be in the same staff room.”

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” My voice wobbles mid-sentence.

“You too. It will be nice to have another young person to work with.”

“You two might get along well,” Killian says. “Violet is an ex-ballerina. She’s an incredible dancer. Used to dance for the New York City Ballet.”

She rolls her eyes and nudges him. “Stop being embarrassing. Iwasan incredible dancer. Career-ending injury. So, teaching it is.” She grimaces and laughs.

A career-ending injury would be devastating. I want to offer Violet my apologies, but perhaps the topic is inappropriate to talk about, seeing as we don’t know each other. I could ask her what ballets she’s danced in. I’ve never been to a live ballet before but I’ve always loved music fromSwan LakeandThe Nutcracker. Maybe I should mention that Tyler’s girlfriend dances in the New York City Ballet and they probably know each other.

“Hey, I went on a date on Saturday night,” Violet says to Killian.

Crap, I missed my chance to say something. This is what it’s always like for me around new people. Overthinking and planning what to say. I have this constant inner dialogue critiquing every tiny detail about our interaction and how the other person perceives me. It’s exhausting. I wish I could speak freely but my brain freezes up.

“The date was terrible,” Violet continues. “I can’t wait to tell you about it. You’ll laugh.”

Killian is already laughing. “I look forward to this story. You want to catch up for drinks tonight after work?”

“Yes! That sounds great. Ally, you’ll come too, right?”

“I, um… Yeah, okay.” A burst of unease hits me in the chest at the thought of more socializing. I try to convince myself the outing won’t be that bad, not with Killian to carry the conversation.

“Great,” Violet says. “I have to do some work in the library now but I’ll see you two tonight.”

As Violet walks toward the exit, I notice Killian’s eyes trail after her.

“You into Violet or something?” I ask, low enough for only Killian’s ears. Surely she’s into him too. Killian is charismatic. He has dark hair, like Dan, and a friendly face. I’m sure half the students here have a crush on him.

Killian looks back at me and shakes his head. “She’s attractive but I wouldn’t go there.”

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