Page 37 of My Favorite Girl

I grab the acceptance letter before I have a chance to look guilty and jump off the bed, handing it to her. “Dan applied to the Paris Conservatoire for me in secret. I just got accepted into that DeLacroix scholarship I was telling you about.”

She reads the letter with just as much disbelief as I had. Her face lights up the farther down the page she reads, and then she’s hugging me eagerly, speaking words of congratulations.

“Dan, you did this for Ally? You aresoincredible. Come on, we have to tell Josh.” Mom grabs my hand and rushes me out of my room to where I left Josh only minutes ago, sitting on the couch with his breakfast. “Your son applied to the Paris Conservatoire in secret for Ally and she just received her acceptance letter.”

Josh looks between me and Dan who is now standing behind me. “You got in? That’s amazing.” He hugs me just as my mother did, and I get lost in the moment, filled with excitement. “Ally, this is so incredible. When do you need to leave for Paris? How long is the scholarship for?”

The logistics of Josh’s question stunts my excitement. Until now, all that’s crossed my mind is exhilaration that I’m a good enough musician to receive the scholarship. But this scholarship was never my plan A. Accepting the scholarship would entail moving to Paris and leaving my family behind. LeavingDanbehind. I’d be in a new city by myself. I’ve never done anything like this on my own. What if I’m alone in Paris and have a panic attack and can’t calm myself down?

I chew my bottom lip, suddenly overwhelmed with confusion. Even apprehension. “I don’t know if I’ll accept the scholarship.”

“What?” Mom and Josh gasp at the same time.

“Ally, you have to,” Mom says. “This is an incredible opportunity.”

“I know. And I’m grateful Dan did this for me, but… moving to Paris is a big deal. I’d be alone and… What if I don’t cope?”

“I already thought this through when I applied,” Dan says. “You don’t have to accept the scholarship if you don’t want to. I won’t be offended. I only applied to it because I wanted you to have options. If location is the only thing holding you back, I’ll move to Paris with you. I can easily play poker there.”

The look in Dan’s eyes as he says those words is so sincere. But I can’t tell which Dan is speaking them. The Dan who is my best friend? My stepbrother? The guy who likes teaching me how to enjoy my body? Or the guy who held me in his arms last night, kissing my forehead as I fell asleep?

It’s a rude reminder that I shouldn’t be in love with him. If we move to Paris together, this thing between us will only grow more out of hand. We’ll be together like an actual couple, not having to carefully tread around the family and public like we do now. I’ll fall more in love with him. We’ll have sex. We’ll be even more tangled up in each other and it will be a mess. A completedisaster that will end in heartbreak because there’s no future for me and Dan.

I take a steadying breath and glance out the window, anywhere but at Dan. “Um… My mind is chaos right now. I think I’d like to spend a few days with Uncle Daxton just to talk things through.”

“Of course, sweetie,” Mom says. “I’ll call him right now. He’ll love to have you stay with him.”

“I’m going to pack a bag.” I head to my room and grab a small suitcase from my wardrobe, throwing a bunch of clothes in it.

“You okay?” Dan asks, closing the door behind himself.

I don’t stop to look at him, knowing if I do, I’ll want to kiss him again. I’ll tell him I love him, and I can’t do that. “Yeah, just what I said—I need to think things through. Paris is a big decision.”

“And you need to be away from me to think things through.” He says it as a statement, though I can hear the displeasure in his voice.

I sigh, continuing to pack clothes. “I love that you got the scholarship for me. You’re perfect, Dan. Beyond perfect. But you shouldn’t have kissed me.”

He laughs, the sound bitter. “The way you’re acting makes me feel anything but perfect. Of all the things we’ve done, kissing was crossing the line?”

“It wasn’t just the kiss. But yes, it was crossing the line because it was physical. It scares me.”

Aside from sharing a bed and falling asleep in each other’s arms, we haven’t technically done anything sexualtogether. It’s all been from a distance and we’ve barely acknowledged any of it. Somehow, that distance and lack of acknowledgement has given me a sense of comfort, like I’m not truly crossing the line with Dan. There’s been a barrier between us and now that barrier is gone.

I love Dan and there’s a desperate need in me to give all of my mind and body over to him. It’s wrong and I wish I didn’t feel this way about Dan. I wish things were simple and I wasn’t filled with so much shame for loving him.

“I just need space to think. This scholarship has come out of the blue. We’ll talk in a few days, okay?” I zip up the suitcase and wheel it out of my room, right past Dan without looking at him to maintain my sanity.

Chapter 18

Dan

Five days later, Thursday, June 7

Queen of Hearts

Felix owns an apartment on the Upper East Side and I’ve been crashing at his place for the last five days while Ally stays with her uncle. There’s always a party taking place here. Felix has people over every night. There’s constant drinking and drugs. Music is always playing. People sleep on the floor. They fuck in the bedrooms. I’ve even seen them fuck outside the bedrooms, not caring about privacy. It’s chaotic, but I can’t stay at home, not when everything about the place reminds me of Ally.

She hasn’t spoken to me in five days.

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